On choosing joy

In this season of grief, we have been really challenged daily on our attitude. It is so easy to fall into the poor me, this sucks, life isn’t fair blahs. The kid and I have all been really struggling with this lately. In all reality life feels really hard for all of us right now. Each day there are a hundred reminders of Josh’s absence, and with that even days filled with fun activities can feel hard. It is like there is a shadow cast on even the best adventure. And yes, we smile and laugh and have fun, and yet there is a note of sadness, and grieving, and missing Josh that sneaks into even the most joyous activity. Monday the kids and I went to a Red Wings game with my mom. It was a blast! We ate pizza, explored the awesome new stadium, sang along to every song, and cheered loudly at every game winning goal. Yet darting arrows of always shocking grief hit at even the most enjoyable of times. For as we have such fun, we also glance over and see where Josh would have sat with his knees up to his chin with the tight leg room, see where he’d have sat with Caleb plopped on his lap, and see his fist bump when they scored each goal. How do we go to any game and not see him as if he’s there when he’s the man who LOVED sporting events?  And so the shadow of what was and what is no longer casts its long shadow over everything we do. Shadows... along with darting arrows of sharp, unexpected grief that shock us with its intensity and surprise. With that we mourn and cry, and put on brave faces and smile in the midst.

And yet, it’s hard to choose joy when there are both the long shadows and unexpected darting arrows of grief that suprise at every turn. So often we want to stomp and pout and rail against God. We want to dwell in the negative of life that surrounds us. And while I definitely do that on MANY occasions, I can’t stay in that, live in that, be that. For I do not want myself, nor my children to live in the negative. While we cannot choose circumstances that happen to us, we can choose our response to those circumstances. I can’t make the reality that Josh died go away. It happened and it hurts us more than words can ever express. On top of that, each day there are crappy things that happen between upset parents at work, bickering children, accidental food prep order, and misunderstandings with loved ones. According to my kids their low point was not getting to play the game they wanted to play at recess and having to take the bus. Yet, we have a choice on how to respond to each days troubles. Complain and focus on the bad or choose to go through life looking for the positives and blessing in each day. The simplicity of a choice that has such a profound impact on every day life. I choose joy. With a choice to look for the blessings and positive,  I can see how God so abundantly blesses us each day. Today’s blessings include having an evening free to go rollerblading at the park with the kids, having a meal ready to be cooked in the fridge, and getting a moment to talk to a family member. The kids got to thank God for the time to play on the playground and rollerblade at the park, get their homework done on the bus, and spend time together.  Oh the blessings God gives us each day if only we take a moment to look for them daily.

And do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength. - Nehemiah 8:10b

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. - 1 Thessalonians 16:18

Recovery

The school year is in full swing and between the tonsil recovery, adjusting to new teachers and expectations, and many back to school nights for both the kids and I, we are focusing on just making it through each day. We were so blessed for a relatively manageable recovery from the tonsillectomy. While the first two days were rough and I was so thankful for the grandmas to show up, by the third day we went up north to the cabin. I was soooo nervous about it, but it worked out great. The distraction of  BB guns, 22s, rope swings, cousins and campfires helped immensely.  While they were in pain the entire time, it wasn't nearly as horrible as nighttime or sitting at school. I am so thankful for grandmas, aunts, uncles, friends, and God's healing!
I am thankful that we are finally starting to seem to get into the swing of things and have some routine. The last two weeks have been really tough adjusting to the busyiness and new schedules. The kids at school seem to be extra needy lately, which has been an extra stressor. I am thankful though that each day seems to be less stressful and more manageable.