Widow rules

Widow rules. Everybody has them in some way or another. I even find I have them for myself. This often unspoken, not discussed set of rules that oftentimes we don’t even realize we have until they are broken. Even the best intentioned seem to have them somewhere. The problem is that they are like dodge ‘em.  At grief share this week, the widows shared some of the juxtaposing rules they have been told.

-You shouldn’t spend all day crying in your room.
- Wow, she’s going on vacation already.

- You can’t cry at work. You need to be professional.
 - You keep it together so well at work. You must be bottling it up. You should let it out.

-You need to take down all the pictures. It makes everyone sad to see him.

-Why would she take down her wedding picture?

-Why aren’t you around as much? You need to get out more.
- She goes out every Saturday like nothing has even happen. Must be nice.

- When are you going to be ready to date?
-Wow, you’re dating already?

- I can’t believe she can still live in the house where her husband died.
- I don’t know how she could so quickly leave the house she brought her babies home to. 

Who knew there were so many opinions on how to grieve and live as a widow!?!  And no, not all of these were spoken to me, but they were all spoken to at least one of my grieving family and widow friends. Anyone who is grieving gets at least some of these.  Half the time you have no clue you are breaking these sometimes spoken but oftentimes unspoken rules. Add to that they extra challenge that each person seems to have a different set of these rules, and I am pretty much up a creek without a paddle.  

 And sure, many are there to try to protect the grieving:

-Don’t make big financial decisions for at least one year.

-Don’t change jobs for at least a year.

-Don’t move for at least a year.

-Don’t marry for at least a year.
-Don’t do anything big for at least a year. 

  All rules that are there to try to protect us who are grieving. I get it. At the same time it can feel like a vice around living life. It makes me doubt every decision I make, like my brain is broken and suddenly I am impaired. It makes me question constantly if I’m doing grief right. And what is with one year? Is my brain impaired beyond use at ten months, but then suddenly comes back to full functioning when we hit the magician year mark?! Or that suddenly at one year we are perfectly fine and back to normal and “over it”? And don’t get me wrong, I have been AMAZINGLY blessed with supportive and loving family and friends. After hearing some of the the things that my other widow friends have been told, I count myself one of the lucky ones. I don’t hear even a tenth of these things. And I am sure that at times I am projecting what I assume others are thinking when they make certain comments. And even then, I get there is a reason for many of these ‘rules’. 

 In many ways I understand the rules. There is a fear and projection that naturally goes on when someone loses a loved one to imagine what we would do if we were in that situation. On one hand we don’t want our loved ones to be sad forever so we want them to move forward. Yet, we don’t want to think that there is any love like ours or that we can just move on easily. The truth is that there is no moving on.  Life is forever altered. Yes, we walk forward. We have to walk forward, we have to chose joy, we have to choose life or else we will die while we yet live. Yet nothing can replace the man I married and loved for 12 years. Nothing can replicate the feeling of being small and safe and loved that my children experienced every time they crawled up into his lap or swung from his arms. Nothing can fill the void left when it is that large. We grieve this loss in the best way we know how. We cling to the Lord praying he will hold us in the midst and fill the giant void that is left. 

I have lived 10 months trying to not break these widow rules. Trying to grieve the right way.  Asking everyone’s opinion of everything. Second guessing everything I do. Fretting and worrying about accidentally breaking one. Wondering if I am grieving right. And even while desperately trying to keep them all I managed to break them. I am done. Is my life and brain still greatly impacted by the loss of Josh. YES!  Yes, I can’t remember names. Yes, I forget things constantly. Yes, I get overwhelmed by even the simple task of taking my dog to the vet.  Yet, we are surviving. I deal with these things as they come. I ask for help when I need it and accept it  with thanks when it’s offered. I say no when it’s too much. I take care of my children. I seek wise counsel. And oh how I pray for God’s grace and wisdom daily. I make decisions for my family daily to the best of my ability.  And when its all too much I go outside and run and pray and seek the Lord some more. All that to say, trust me to grieve the best way for us. Trust me to make decisions that are the best for my family and I. Trust the Lord to guide our steps to what he has planned for us.

For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 

A Father’s note

Every year in third grade the students receive a Bible from the school that is presented from their parents. Each parent writes a special note to their child in the front of the Bible and prays over their child during the chapel service. I praise God for the blessing that has been to my girls. They each have a handwritten note from their father to them specifically noting who they are in his eyes, how much he loves them and his desire to have them know and love the Lord. This is a gift that is irreplaceable. It honestly scares me that they keep it all day at school since it the greatest treasure they have, and yet I love that they can open their Bible at school any time and read the love both their Heavenly Father and daddy had for them in their Words.

In the same way, my heart breaks that Caleb does not have that. He has no special note written to him. He was loved, but oh how I wish I had something for Caleb that would be written just for him from his daddy.  Please go home and write a note to your child telling them how much you love them, what you see in them, what you pray for them. They need those notes. No one ever knows how much a note from you to your child may mean to them one day. I do know for my girls it is the greatest treasure their daddy left.   

   How great is the love the Father has lavished on us that we should be called children of God. 1 John 3:!

Nine months .... and children

Today its been 9 months since Josh died. It sometimes surprises me what hits hard. For some reason this 9 month mark has hit harder than most. It probably didn’t help that today my facebook feed popped up with pictures of Josh and I very pregnant ten years ago at our baby shower for the girls. Ten years!! How is that even possible?! How does time go so quickly and slowly all at the same time.

Well, definitely fell asleep before finishing the above post.... So fast forward a day and I need to brag on how incredible my kids are. The kids beat me home off the bus today. I came home to dinner on the table. They had made a meat and cheese cracker tray, Mac and cheese, and my favorite which was apples cut up in a bowl in the shape of a flower with the peanut butter in middle. The table was set and they were so excited to surprise me. They even led us in prayer to start dinner. Be still my heart!  Each morning they independently get themselves up, dressed, teeth brushed without me even having to ask or direct any of it. Half the time I am finishing up my morning walk or in the shower getting ready myself. They pack their lunches each night. They complete their homework by themselves and rarely do I have to follow up to see if it is done. They do three chores each Saturday that include cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming, folding laundry, etc. They eagerly seek to take communion and ask me daily the tough questions to discuss.They are amazing and I praise God that he has blessed me so. And then I weep because they shouldn’t have to do all this at 7 and 9. And they wouldn’t be if Josh was alive. Yet, I’m so proud of how much they have grown and risen to the challenges of life. They are learning skills and growing in independence in ways  that I see teens and adults even struggle to accomplish. I love seeing them see needs and care for each other and others. And yes they are kids like any other kids who bicker, fight, whine, crab, and cry. Yet, I am so proud of the young men and women I can see them becoming. I am so proud of how they are growing in their faith daily. Please pray that they continue to grow in their walk with God and in maturing each day.

Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him. Psalm 127:3