Anxiety

Anxiety has been a constant companion in the last few weeks... and in all honesty in some form for most of my life. However, since Josh died it has been a non-stop battle to not succumb. I work at all the coping mechanisms I know: praying, starting my day in God’s Word, taking daily walks, seeing a counselor bi-weekly... some work better than others. Yet the anxiety comes back with a vengeance daily (and more often nightly). Recently with the added chaos that is spring, it has been especially awful. I drop the ball daily on a million different tasks I am supposed to accomplish from turning in field trip slips and RSVPing to events on time to remembering to take the trash out on Tuesday nights. Anxieties surface regarding how to best parent my children, relationships with family, school demands, and my always present need to please others and do everything perfectly. I want to just not care...to be okay with average.. to let go of the need to please others... to do what I think is best and be confident in that decision.  Some days I can do that. Most days it’s a struggle. Is it any wonder that the first verse I memorized for myself was from Philippians 4, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition present your requests to God and the peace of God that transcends all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus, our Lord.” I know I need to trust God with these life before me, but in all reality Josh’s death rocked my trust in God. I so often trust God with my hands clenched and my heart still racing. Not exactly the model example of trust. So in the meantime I pray, I cling to those scriptures and I take my walks. Extra prayers are always appreciated!

When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. Psalm 94:19

8th birthday

Caleb is turning 8 today. The missing of a 7 year old turning 8 year old is so raw. Caleb is in so many ways a mini version of Josh. He is soo frank, so honest, and so straightforward to the point of getting himself in trouble for it. He LOVES talking sports stats, playing football and baseball, and will take every opprotunity to do so with others. It would have been the delight of Josh’s heart to share that with him. It rips my heart apart to think they don’t get to do that. The missing of a little boy of his dad just rips the heart apart. Last week he shared yet another

Caleb, “ Mom, I dream of daddy almost every night!.”
What do you dream?
“ I dream that we play baseball and go to Disney and watch football and play golf.”
That must be nice to have those great memories.
“Yeah.... but it doesn’t end nice... daddy always dies of a heart attack at the end of every dream.”

 Cue the flow of tears that doesn’t ever stop. He follows this up by asking to listen to “Blessed be the Name of the Lord”. Cue more tears. Of course that sound ends and he asks next for Josh’s favorite “Uptown Funk”. Cue the laughter.  Gracious, he can get me from tears of sorrow to joy in 5 minutes flat.

Praying for God’s grace this year and the years to follow to comfort the heart of this hurting boy who missing his dad on his birthday.

The missing

Nothing like having a hand made birthday present of a mouse house made out of all my favorite candies to bring a glimpse of joy. My kids decided that was exactly what I wanted. It totally made me laugh and was absolutely adorable and so thoughtful. They also purchased a wooden spoon to give me my birthday spankings! Little stinkers!  After work, we went to mom and dad’s for my favorite mashed potatoes, corn and gravy with pork chops. I feel very blessed to spend the day with so many loved ones.
This month the missing has been something awful. It’s almost like if you don’t have a person around for a little bit the missing is awful but it hasn’t been that long so you survive because other things are busy, but then when it gets too long you just miss that person with an ache that just doesn’t seem to lessen. The knowledge that I will see him again in heaven was helpful, but its just tooo long to wait. I miss him now so desperately. I miss his laugh, his dry sense of humor, his hugs, how he’d sleep with his arms crossed, his snoring even. I hear Caleb talking so excitedly about sports stats and teams, and I just cant help but think about how much joy that would have brought Josh to share with his son a love of sports, and talk all day about games and teams. He LOVED all that fantasy football and sports stuff, and as I see Caleb loving it too, it just makes the ache all that deeper. We went to a hockey game Thursday for birthday celebrations with my mom and I literally start bawling in the middle of the game because all I could think about is how much Josh would have loved to have been there too. Josh was always a laid back person, until there was some kind of sports competition. The thought of not being able to go to a sporting event, golf with him, or watch a football game cuddled up on the coach next to him ever again sends me into fits of tears. It’s funny all the things you love because your spouse loves it.  I miss watching and playing football, going to Spartan games, and playing golf  I even like these things after years of doing them with him (although I don’t think I will ever love watching golf on TV!) It makes me think how much we change because of those we love. How much we love things after awhile because we love doing it with our loved ones, and we did it in the first place because we love them and want to be with them. I am forever changed because of him.

He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

Struggling

I have been struggling. I just can’t seem to get myself out of this depressive funk of one minute being furiously angry to the next being super irritated with everything and everyone to feeling super apathetic.  It’s my birthday- of course one of the most looked forward to days of the year, and instead of waking up happy and excited, I woke up crying. It probably doesn’t help that I haven’t been sleeping well- I hate you 4am.  In any case, I keep trying to do things to help snap out of it, but nothing seems to be working well. Walks, puzzles, praying, reading my Bible... nothing seems to be helping. I’m just sad. I miss Josh. I miss what was my life. I want to wake up to a giant Josh sized bear hug, not just on my birthday, but every day. I miss him so much... and this missing cloaks me in a blanket of sadness and depression, I just can’t seem to peek out of.
Thank the Lord for family, friends and kiddos that always bring joy even in the midst.

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:18

Anger

Parenting is hard. Parenting without Josh feels like an overwhelming weight I cannot bear. There are so many times already in a years time that I think, this isn’t my job. This part is Josh’s job. He isn’t here to do his job. So I am left to do it alone. And I am mad. Overwhelmingly furiously angry. I don’t want to do this without Josh. I am mad there is no one else that loves or knows my children the way a parent knows and loves their child here to parent or make decisions or discipline or love them. I hate parenting alone. I already second guess everything I do and now I don’t have my other half to figure it out together.
I am angry that our future, our dreams, our life that we had and had planned is all gone in an instant. So much of my life is in a moment adrift. I want my husband who dreamed and walked life along with me here. I miss his smile, his laugh, his calm logic, his hugs, his talking me off the ledge, his firm discipline, his love.  The ache to have him here feels like it is ripping my heart in two. This week has been awful, buried under a suffocating blanket of grief. My soul is downcast and my heart is troubled with worries about my children, our future, our present. Pray for us.

Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. Psalm 43:5

Grief sucks

Grief sucks. You will be going along, doing ok and then suddenly you get sucker punched out of nowhere.  Last night and today have been awful. Last night I passed out on the couch by 8pm exhausted and totally irritated to my very soul for no good reason. Of course, that was followed up with my usual 4am wake up that led to ordering 300 + pictures of Josh and crying like a baby looking through each one. By the time I finished and was calm enough to go back to sleep it was 6am.  Therefore, no 7am walk and no easy Saturday morning. We all slept through our alarms and didn’t wake up until 15 minutes before Caleb’s basketball game. Whoops!  Not the best way to start the day. I am thankful that I was able to spend some time reading my Bible, doing a stretching workout it video, and listening to music once we got back from basketball. I am still a grumpy, irritable, and liable to burst out into tears any moment mess, but at least it gave me a mini- reset. Tonight we are going to a friend’s birthday party and I am praying that I can escape from the grief wave for at least a few hours. Grief waves suck. They hit you out of nowhere, take your feet right out from underneath you and leave you breathless, drowning and praying for air.

I was doing well for awhile with sleeping all night.  The last month or so I am back to my usual 4am wake ups. Along with the obvious grief stuff, I know so much of it is due to anxiety and unresolved issues that I can’t really do anything about at this time. During the day I pray and talk to God and do ok, but it’s so much harder at night. The hard part is that I then start the next day tired and the cycle just continues. Sometimes life just feels so overwhelming. The million books, grief groups and counselor insight tells me that this is normal for the second year: the whole reality really setting in, realizing the full weight of the responsibility of life without Josh, the natural lessening support as I can handle more, and issues that we just glossed over for the last year that are rearing their ugly head again. Parenting suddenly seems soooooo hard. Discipline, boudaries, school work and routines. I am dropping the ball left and right. I feel like I make one step forward in one thing and then three back in some other area of life. I actually started meal planning again a few weeks ago, but then keeping track of permission slips and forms goes out the window.  All this to say, I am working on resetting that joy goal for 2018, or should I say, that I am praying God grants me joy in the midst of the present hard. Hey, at least we are doing better than we were a year ago when every day was a HORRIBLE grief day.

My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials.” James 1:2

I found the following that I posted about a year ago. A great reminder.

Read this today. It reflected the cry of my heart so well that I want to always remember it and have a record of it to look back on.

"Instead of listening to the noise of your worries, listen to the voice of the Lord. We are not to let our joy come from our circumstances, because circumstances change.

The Lord remains the same. The Lord remains loyal, omnipotent, and loving. Allow your joy to come from Christ. Be still, stop paying attention to the storm.

He has already proved that He can calm any storm. Sometimes God allows trials so you can learn to be more dependent on Him. God is saying, “I’m in control.

I can do all things. Stop fearing and trust in me instead.” When your thoughts are running rampant, don’t seek temporary help by watching TV, going on the internet, etc.

Go find a lonely place. A place with no noise. When you stop and focus on the beauty of Christ, you will receive the peace that He has promised you. When you cry out to Him in prayer you will feel His comfort.

Be still and relax in the Lord. He is in control. Remember the times that He has helped you, other believers, and people in Scripture. God promises to help you and never leave you. Talk to Him, trust in Him, be still, and you will hear His calming voice and rest upon His strength."
-post from St Paul Pontiac's page

January is OVER!

Can we just stop for a moment and celebrate that the worst month of the year is OVER because my kids and I certainly did. Full on dance party celebration that it was over.  This horridly long, cold, sick, depressing, no snow day month that took Josh away. At some point we’ve all linked Josh’s death to the month of January to a tangible level. It didn’t help that we spend the first two weeks of the month super sick with the flu or bronchitis or something. It was awful. We all struggled our way through January with tears, angst and fighting, depression and bickering, and pouting and sass galore.  I’ve seen the kids struggle with the expression of their grief more this month than ever before. We are trying to learn better coping skills rather than spewing our grief on those around us with outbursts, sass, anger, or pouting, but dang it’s HARD! It’s hard to be a 10 year old pre-teen and try to work out the big emotions of grief while mom is still making me do chores on a Saturday. It’s hard to be a 7 year old boy who is so angry that his dad died and not flare in anger when made to do his reading log when he wants to just play.  It’s hard to be a calm and patient mom with three grieving children who react with complaining and yelling and arguing with even the simplistic task when said mom is struggling as deeply as the children. There are so many emotions just below the surface all the time that rear their ugly head when struggling so badly. So we are working with my counselor on parenting, on grace, and on healthy coping when we do have a grief day (or month), but dang it’s hard! Pray for us.

But the good news is that January is over. February has come. The overwhelming depression has lifted a bit and with this new month has come with a little sunshine, with a little hope that it will be better with my nephew’s first birthday, with Valentine’s parties my kids are excited about, field trips to the orchestra for my girls, with just relief that it is not January and we are one more step closer to spring. 

As I reflect on where we were a year ago in the throes of overwhelming sorrow to the point on non-stop tears, I can see growth.  We still grieve. We have learned all kinds of new language like grief- bursts, and grief days, and waves of grief, and have lived it out over and over again. We have learned how to live differently slowly but surely. And I grieve that and celebrate that at the same time. I grieve as we are missing Josh and wishing things were the same, but celebrate that we are growing and not where we were a year ago. We are all more independent. My kids pack their own lunches, complete their homework most days independently, and get up and ready for the bus in the morning without prompting. I am so proud of how much they’ve grown and their independence. They will be resilient, strong and capable teens and adults as they grow up.  I am more independent too. I finally feel more secure in who I am now. A year of floundering and trying to figure out who I am without Josh.  I am not the same woman I was a year and a half ago who was secure in her married life. I am more broken but also more confident in whose I am, who I am, what I want, and my own abilities to run my own home. I know with confidence the Lord will carry me and mine through any and every trial. He has walked beside me each step of the way carrying us. He will do so for all my days. I am becoming more confident in my decisions and my choices (don’t worry— still plenty of pro and con debating and praying galore that would drive any sane person crazy), but once the decision is made, I am confident in it. While I fail each day in different ways, I do fairly competently run a household. And yet, I am still sooooo grateful for those who support me when things break, kids need to be watched, tires need rotating, or caring for my littles while I race to my early Monday morning meetings at work. I could never do it without those who fill in the gap every day. Thank you! Overall, we are making it. I even prepped my taxes last night - all by myself!!! Last year I did NONE of it. My mom came and did 99% for me. Thank you mom!  Last year I was such a hot mess, I would start having a panic attack and lose it every time I even thought about it. Don’t get me wrong, it started out with a tear or two at the beginning, but I thankful that I am at a place that I can do it at all. It gives hope. Thank you Lord.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. - Lamentations 3:22-23

One year

We made it through the holidays.... Christmas, New Years Eve New Years. I praise God that even in the midst of the sorrow of missing Josh there was also joy. Isn’t that great!? There is a wonderful grace-from-God joy that comes from celebrating Jesus, and time spent with family and friends.  The kids’ excitement, expectation, and joy is contagious.  Their excitement got us all through Christmas. Even that long and lonely Christmas Eve night as I wrapped last presents and set up the Christmas morning scene with tears flowing, I had some semblance of peace, comfort and joy at the expectation that the next morning would bring joy to my children. For while everything we did and experienced was blanketed in a fog of grief, the joy did peak through. The kids even suprised me at times. On New Years Eve we went to a friend’s house but left early at their request. There is fun in visiting friends, but they were just emotionally exhausted.  Yet when we got home they wanted to ring in the New Year together so we stayed up all cuddled on the couch until midnight.  They, as always, loved the count down and while our night ended within minutes as they all rolled over and fell asleep on the couch, they found a way to bring expectation and joy into a New Year.  For this unexpected joy that God graced us with this season, I am eternally grateful.
And yet today is one year. A year ago today I held the hand of the man I love for the last time. And the horror of that day is haunting for us all. I have a little man in my bed who didn’t make it through the night without tears and needing comfort... and for this night he did get to cuddle with his momma through the wee hours for our hearts ache with the grief of missing our love. I am grateful we have a day of distraction, cuddling and friends planned. The excitement of a trip and being in a new place has helped thus far. While clearly just a bandaid, sometimes the distraction is needed for the weight of this grief so often threatens to suffocate. I’m praying for the grace to make it through and God’s comfort to surround in the midst for we cling to Him.

You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word. Psalm 119:114

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you s the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.  John 14:27

Hiding

I’m in hiding. After three weeks straight of incredible anguish, grief and depression, I am hiding. Hiding from emotions, thoughts, memories, and feelings. The upside is that I get a brief reprieve from the stabbing grief. The downside is that it make all the good moment seem dull too. However, for the moment I will take it. December has been awful. I thought Josh’s birthday was going to be similar to other big days, horrible anticipatory grief leading up the day with a surprisingly ok day on the day of. Unfortunately, December 8 and all the weeks around it was the worse yet.  In all reality we had an ok day. Josh’s mom came and visited for the day. The kids and I played hooky from school (there was NO way that we would have made it through a school day). We made Josh’s favorite spicy molasses cookies. We went and put the grave blanket on at the cemetary.  It was so pretty with blue and silver ribbon that the kids picked out in Lion’s colors.  My sister did a great job making it. The kids wrote happy birthday cards to Josh and we tied them to helium balloons to let go at the cemetery. Family came over for Josh’s favorite pizza dinner and we talked and visited. Overall it was a fine day. Except for the fact that we were all so buried in grief our eyes could barely open properly from the crying. Except for the grief that left us all with little patience or grace for each other. Except for the missing that left us all with a giant hole in our hearts. It was a fine day except for the fact we were celebrating a birthday that never came. December 8 came and went and Josh never turned a year older, would never be 37, was not there to celebrate with us. And for this reason, it left us in pieces.
And now after three weeks of hell, I am trying desperately to hide ... it’s not quite working but I am trying.

I call on you, my God for you will answer me; turn your ear to me and hear my prayer....hide me in the shadow of your wings. Psalm 17:6-8

He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. Psalm 91:4

Sharp edges

How can a heart break over and over again. I don’t know how many nights 4am wakes me up feeling like my soul is being ripped in two.... too many to count. With Josh’s birthday in two days, Christmas quickly approaching and January 2 coming all too soon, the grief overwhelms each night and day. The nights with tears and the days with a haze from lack of sleep and beary eyes. I cringe at my lack of productivity this year in all areas of life: work, Girl Scouts, working with my children on school work, taking care of the house, spending quality time with my children, church..... this list just goes on and on. I try, but I just can’t do it. I am letting so many down. I feel like my whole life has been engulfed in grief and its reach leaves nothing untouched. This week has been the worst yet, which shouldn’t be a surprise.  I can barely function. The ache and pain that has been present this whole year is pierced by a pain that leaves me breathless with its sharpness. So ironic that as I approach one year, I would hope I would have some healing evident and yet I feel worse now than I ever have. Oh Lord I miss him so much. Surround us with your healing, comfort  and love, for you alone can truly provide it.

I found this song that made me both cry and smile a bit. It talks about Christmas without a loved one. Love the perspective of Josh with the son of God, the one we are celebrating during this time of year. If you’d like to hear the song by Craig Aven called “Son of God” click the link below to YouTube.

https://youtu.be/f3browtvP7k

John 14:1 -3  ““Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me.   My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?   And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.”

Romans 15:13  “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

10 years old

Ten years ago today, Josh and I welcomed two baby girls into the world. We had not found out their gender so it was quite the suprise when we found out that we had two baby girls. Oh the joy and love that we instantly had for those precious little ones. I think now of how much they have grown and matured in the last ten years. They are so similar in some ways and so different in others. My Grace, the eldest born through and through even though it is only by two minutes.  She is definitely my rule-follower, quick to fall into line and make sure everyone else is too. She loves to read, has such a quick memory like her daddy and is crazy smart. She is loyal, trustworthy and reliable. She is so responsible. She is a kind friend and takes care of those around her.  And then I have my Kayleigh, full of fun and adventure. She definitely has her daddy’s competitive streak.  She is so creative, always coming up with a fun activity or game, thinking she has the skills of a ninja warrior. A creative writer and so good artistic, her voice shines through her craft. She is kind and compassionate. Together they are a set of princess cat warriors, always pretending and playing. They are obsessed with cats and horses, begging daily to get one of each. Beautiful inside and out, they care for little ones like they are their own, mommying their cousins with love. They are smart and helpful. Beyond all that, they love the Lord and are resilient beyond my wildest dreams.  It takes my breath away thinking about how proud their daddy would be of them right now. They look to the Lord to be their strength and comfort, pointing me as well as others to look to the Lord and have joy in this day.   Please pray that my children continue to cling to the Lord as their comfort and strength.

I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth. 3 John 1:4

A Father’s note

Every year in third grade the students receive a Bible from the school that is presented from their parents. Each parent writes a special note to their child in the front of the Bible and prays over their child during the chapel service. I praise God for the blessing that has been to my girls. They each have a handwritten note from their father to them specifically noting who they are in his eyes, how much he loves them and his desire to have them know and love the Lord. This is a gift that is irreplaceable. It honestly scares me that they keep it all day at school since it the greatest treasure they have, and yet I love that they can open their Bible at school any time and read the love both their Heavenly Father and daddy had for them in their Words.

In the same way, my heart breaks that Caleb does not have that. He has no special note written to him. He was loved, but oh how I wish I had something for Caleb that would be written just for him from his daddy.  Please go home and write a note to your child telling them how much you love them, what you see in them, what you pray for them. They need those notes. No one ever knows how much a note from you to your child may mean to them one day. I do know for my girls it is the greatest treasure their daddy left.   

   How great is the love the Father has lavished on us that we should be called children of God. 1 John 3:!

Nine months .... and children

Today its been 9 months since Josh died. It sometimes surprises me what hits hard. For some reason this 9 month mark has hit harder than most. It probably didn’t help that today my facebook feed popped up with pictures of Josh and I very pregnant ten years ago at our baby shower for the girls. Ten years!! How is that even possible?! How does time go so quickly and slowly all at the same time.

Well, definitely fell asleep before finishing the above post.... So fast forward a day and I need to brag on how incredible my kids are. The kids beat me home off the bus today. I came home to dinner on the table. They had made a meat and cheese cracker tray, Mac and cheese, and my favorite which was apples cut up in a bowl in the shape of a flower with the peanut butter in middle. The table was set and they were so excited to surprise me. They even led us in prayer to start dinner. Be still my heart!  Each morning they independently get themselves up, dressed, teeth brushed without me even having to ask or direct any of it. Half the time I am finishing up my morning walk or in the shower getting ready myself. They pack their lunches each night. They complete their homework by themselves and rarely do I have to follow up to see if it is done. They do three chores each Saturday that include cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming, folding laundry, etc. They eagerly seek to take communion and ask me daily the tough questions to discuss.They are amazing and I praise God that he has blessed me so. And then I weep because they shouldn’t have to do all this at 7 and 9. And they wouldn’t be if Josh was alive. Yet, I’m so proud of how much they have grown and risen to the challenges of life. They are learning skills and growing in independence in ways  that I see teens and adults even struggle to accomplish. I love seeing them see needs and care for each other and others. And yes they are kids like any other kids who bicker, fight, whine, crab, and cry. Yet, I am so proud of the young men and women I can see them becoming. I am so proud of how they are growing in their faith daily. Please pray that they continue to grow in their walk with God and in maturing each day.

Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him. Psalm 127:3

3 tonsillectomies,, oh my!

Today all three of my children go in for surgery to have their tonsils removed. After years of strep throat and gigantic tonsils, it's time. I have second guessed myself a million times, and yet I know that if Josh was alive he would say to get them out in a heart beat as he struggled with strep throat, sleep apnea, and issues with his tonsils throughout his adult life. My children all seem to be taking after him in that department. Yet, it is also thinking of Josh and the fragility of life that has this momma up early praying to the Lord to protect my children and bring them through this well. For it is very clear to me how there is no guarantee that anyone will grow old. There is no guarantee that my children will be fine. This truth is terrifying, and often sends me into the tailspin of anxiety. And yet, I keep making myself turn to the Lord also knowing that God has numbered each one of our days. It was no accident that Josh died when he did. God had numbered the days of his life before one of them came to be. At this point as much as I wish he was still here, and know that God is mourning with us, Josh is ultimately right where he is supposed to be- with Jesus. He has numbered my children's days as well.  So I go into this day praying desperately, but also making a choice to trust in the sovereignty of the Lord. For to who else is there to turn but to my God who promises good for me and my family. To my God who loves my children more than I could ever. To my God who knows my heart and loves me.

Pray with me for my children. Pray that the surgery would go well. Pray that they would come out of anesthesia well. Pray that they would have no ill effects from the medications. Pray they would take their medications and drink lots. Pray that they would have little to no pain. Pray they don't have to deal with the residual ear pain. Pray they would sleep well at night. Pray they would have good attitudes each day with no whining and crying.  Pray that their recovery is the most speedy and amazing of any children ever. ;)   Pray that God would give me an extra measure of grace, patience and selfless love for them. Please pray.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;all your days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:16

First day

Today was all of our first day back to school for the 2017-18 school year. Well actually I have been back for a few weeks, but it is my students' first day back so it counts!  I knew going in that this would be a rough one for us all. Since we tend to have the same first days back, Josh has always taken the back to school pictures and driven them to school. Since I have to go to work so early on my first day, the kids spent the night at my sister's house so she could take them in the morning. Last night was tough as the realization that daddy wouldn't be taking them really set in.  Rocking them in my sister's big old rocking chair singing the same songs I sang them as babies to still their fears and tears, I once again sang of "I love you Lord" and "When I am afraid, I will trust in you". Singing, praying, and crying with them as we rocked and hugged and cuddled grieving together. For how else do you comfort your now child size baby whose hearts are breaking.
 And yet, with the morning came the excitement, nervousness and joy of meeting new teachers, seeing favorite friends and reveling in being another year older in school. Their smiles of delight brightened my soul as my sister sent me pictures of their smiling faces. The stories of first day fun brought relief and reminders that with each day there is pain but also joy in the present and just around the corner. Praising God for this new school year and praying they grow in knowing and loving God more intimately and deeply, maturing in social and emotional ways, developing even more loving friendships... along with learning all the reading, writing and arithmetic!

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

grace

I haven't posted for awhile and each day I plan on it and then the day is over and I am too exhausted to do anything but climb into bed and close my eyes for the night. I keep thinking I will have more time tomorrow... more time to rest, to read, to spent with God, to walk, to spend quality time with the kids, and then the day is over and I'm lucky to do 1 if not two things on the list. I know this back to school season of life is always busy and part of it is just getting through this initial crazy busyness, but I have been struggling with how overwhelming it has been this year. I just keep thinking it will get easier. And then I read a blog post recently from a widow...

"A few summers ago, wrangling the schedule with kids as a new single parent, I remember telling my sister that as soon as I got through the next round of events, life would level out. Surely once the crisis was over, life would return to the full but manageable pace we'd had.

My wise sister stopped me. "Lisa? I think this is your new pace."

Thunk. As soon as she said them, the truth of her words hit home. I'd been kidding myself. How could one doing what two had been doing ever look the same? My expectations shifted- a healthy first step in finding a new rhythm. And after six years, while I've gotten used to the pace, I've no where near mastered it."  - Lisa Appelo

OUCH! The truth of those words hit me like a ton of bricks. While I am soooo blessed with friends and family that help me so much in so many ways, it will never be Josh. And geez I miss him for so many reasons and ways that I can't even begin to explain.

The reality is that the pace of life will never be the same. "How could one doing what two had been doing ever look the same?" It can't.  So with a deep breath I lean on friends and family to fill in those gaps where I fail.  With a prayer I ask for grace where I fall short. And fall short I do on a daily basis. Failing repeatedly each day in what I used to do easily frustrates me to no end. So hard to have grace with myself when I feel like I'm constantly letting others and myself down. I praise God that he shows us boundless grace even though we so little deserve it.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast. Ephesians 2:8-9

Great is thy faithfulness

I love God's reminders of his faithfulness even in the midst of sorrow. The last week was a week of grief bursts, depression and moments of despair. It is overwhelming at these times. And yet, God has met me in these moments in both big and little ways. Even the sermon today was on Jeremiah and his lamentations about the desolation of Jerusalem, and yet how Jeremiah turned to God.  I appreciate Jeremiah's utter honesty. His angst, sorrow, and grief. Yet, even in the midst he turns his eyes to God.  It reminded me even all these years after Jeremiah wrote this of God's utter faithfulness, goodness and love for us. God is good. He is trustworthy. He is oh so faithful. There is hope. From Lamentations 3 comes the verse that I picked for Josh's headstone. "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases." The surrounded verses made up the verse from the funeral and message of that day.

 "But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will have hope in him."  

How beautiful to see a man in the depths of despair  and sorrow lift his eyes to the Lord reminding himself and me of the Lord's steadfast love, his mercy, and faithfulness. In Christ alone is there hope. I praise God for this reminder today through the sermon, the hymn 'Great is Thy Faithfulness" and even through the Holy Spirit's prompting of one of our church members to offer an unexpected gift after service.... just another reminder of God's faithfulness. 

PS I love this you tube version link of "Great Is Thy Faithfulness".

https://youtu.be/dm-KsLytcW0

17 

my soul is bereft of peace;
    I have forgotten what happiness[a] is;
18 so I say, “My endurance has perished;
    so has my hope from the Lord.”

19 Remember my affliction and my wanderings,
    the wormwood and the gall!
20 My soul continually remembers it
    and is bowed down within me.
21 But this I call to mind,
    and therefore I have hope:

22 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;[b]
    his mercies never come to an end;
23 they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
24 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
    “therefore I will hope in him.”

25 The Lord is good to those who wait for him,
    to the soul who seeks him.
26 It is good that one should wait quietly
    for the salvation of the Lord.
27 It is good for a man that he bear
    the yoke in his youth.

28 Let him sit alone in silence
    when it is laid on him;
29 let him put his mouth in the dust—
    there may yet be hope;
30 let him give his cheek to the one who strikes,
    and let him be filled with insults.

31 For the Lord will not
    cast off forever,
32 but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion
    according to the abundance of his steadfast love;
33 for he does not afflict from his heart
    or grieve the children of men.

34 To crush underfoot
    all the prisoners of the earth,
35 to deny a man justice
    in the presence of the Most High,
36 to subvert a man in his lawsut,
    the Lord does not approve.

37 Who has spoken and it came to pass,
    unless the Lord has commanded it?
38 Is it not from the mouth of the Most High
    that good and bad come?
39 Why should a living man complain,
    a man, about the punishment of his sins?

40 Let us test and examine our ways,
    and return to the Lord!
41 Let us lift up our hearts and hands
    to God in heaven:
42 “We have transgressed and rebelled,
    and you have not forgiven.

43 “You have wrapped yourself with anger and pursued us,
    killing without pity;
44 you have wrapped yourself with a cloud
    so that no prayer can pass through.
45 You have made us scum and garbage
    among the peoples.

46 “All our enemies
    open their mouths against us;
47 panic and pitfall have come upon us,
    devastation and destruction;
48 my eyes flow with rivers of tears
    because of the destruction of the daughter of my peop

49 “My eyes will flow without ceasing,
    without respite,
50 until the Lord from heaven
    looks down and sees;
51 my eyes cause me grief
    at the fate of all the daughters of my city.

52 “I have been hunted like a bird
    by those who were my enemies without cause;
53 they flung me alive into the pit
    and cast stones on me;
54 water closed over my head;
    I said, ‘I am lost.’

55 “I called on your name, O Lord,
    from the depths of the pit;
56 you heard my plea, ‘Do not close
    your ear to my cry for help!’
57 You came near when I called on you;
    you said, ‘Do not fear!’