We made it through the holidays.... Christmas, New Years Eve New Years. I praise God that even in the midst of the sorrow of missing Josh there was also joy. Isn’t that great!? There is a wonderful grace-from-God joy that comes from celebrating Jesus, and time spent with family and friends. The kids’ excitement, expectation, and joy is contagious. Their excitement got us all through Christmas. Even that long and lonely Christmas Eve night as I wrapped last presents and set up the Christmas morning scene with tears flowing, I had some semblance of peace, comfort and joy at the expectation that the next morning would bring joy to my children. For while everything we did and experienced was blanketed in a fog of grief, the joy did peak through. The kids even suprised me at times. On New Years Eve we went to a friend’s house but left early at their request. There is fun in visiting friends, but they were just emotionally exhausted. Yet when we got home they wanted to ring in the New Year together so we stayed up all cuddled on the couch until midnight. They, as always, loved the count down and while our night ended within minutes as they all rolled over and fell asleep on the couch, they found a way to bring expectation and joy into a New Year. For this unexpected joy that God graced us with this season, I am eternally grateful.
And yet today is one year. A year ago today I held the hand of the man I love for the last time. And the horror of that day is haunting for us all. I have a little man in my bed who didn’t make it through the night without tears and needing comfort... and for this night he did get to cuddle with his momma through the wee hours for our hearts ache with the grief of missing our love. I am grateful we have a day of distraction, cuddling and friends planned. The excitement of a trip and being in a new place has helped thus far. While clearly just a bandaid, sometimes the distraction is needed for the weight of this grief so often threatens to suffocate. I’m praying for the grace to make it through and God’s comfort to surround in the midst for we cling to Him.
You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word. Psalm 119:114
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you s the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27
