Grief sucks

Grief sucks. You will be going along, doing ok and then suddenly you get sucker punched out of nowhere.  Last night and today have been awful. Last night I passed out on the couch by 8pm exhausted and totally irritated to my very soul for no good reason. Of course, that was followed up with my usual 4am wake up that led to ordering 300 + pictures of Josh and crying like a baby looking through each one. By the time I finished and was calm enough to go back to sleep it was 6am.  Therefore, no 7am walk and no easy Saturday morning. We all slept through our alarms and didn’t wake up until 15 minutes before Caleb’s basketball game. Whoops!  Not the best way to start the day. I am thankful that I was able to spend some time reading my Bible, doing a stretching workout it video, and listening to music once we got back from basketball. I am still a grumpy, irritable, and liable to burst out into tears any moment mess, but at least it gave me a mini- reset. Tonight we are going to a friend’s birthday party and I am praying that I can escape from the grief wave for at least a few hours. Grief waves suck. They hit you out of nowhere, take your feet right out from underneath you and leave you breathless, drowning and praying for air.

I was doing well for awhile with sleeping all night.  The last month or so I am back to my usual 4am wake ups. Along with the obvious grief stuff, I know so much of it is due to anxiety and unresolved issues that I can’t really do anything about at this time. During the day I pray and talk to God and do ok, but it’s so much harder at night. The hard part is that I then start the next day tired and the cycle just continues. Sometimes life just feels so overwhelming. The million books, grief groups and counselor insight tells me that this is normal for the second year: the whole reality really setting in, realizing the full weight of the responsibility of life without Josh, the natural lessening support as I can handle more, and issues that we just glossed over for the last year that are rearing their ugly head again. Parenting suddenly seems soooooo hard. Discipline, boudaries, school work and routines. I am dropping the ball left and right. I feel like I make one step forward in one thing and then three back in some other area of life. I actually started meal planning again a few weeks ago, but then keeping track of permission slips and forms goes out the window.  All this to say, I am working on resetting that joy goal for 2018, or should I say, that I am praying God grants me joy in the midst of the present hard. Hey, at least we are doing better than we were a year ago when every day was a HORRIBLE grief day.

My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials.” James 1:2

I found the following that I posted about a year ago. A great reminder.

Read this today. It reflected the cry of my heart so well that I want to always remember it and have a record of it to look back on.

"Instead of listening to the noise of your worries, listen to the voice of the Lord. We are not to let our joy come from our circumstances, because circumstances change.

The Lord remains the same. The Lord remains loyal, omnipotent, and loving. Allow your joy to come from Christ. Be still, stop paying attention to the storm.

He has already proved that He can calm any storm. Sometimes God allows trials so you can learn to be more dependent on Him. God is saying, “I’m in control.

I can do all things. Stop fearing and trust in me instead.” When your thoughts are running rampant, don’t seek temporary help by watching TV, going on the internet, etc.

Go find a lonely place. A place with no noise. When you stop and focus on the beauty of Christ, you will receive the peace that He has promised you. When you cry out to Him in prayer you will feel His comfort.

Be still and relax in the Lord. He is in control. Remember the times that He has helped you, other believers, and people in Scripture. God promises to help you and never leave you. Talk to Him, trust in Him, be still, and you will hear His calming voice and rest upon His strength."
-post from St Paul Pontiac's page

January is OVER!

Can we just stop for a moment and celebrate that the worst month of the year is OVER because my kids and I certainly did. Full on dance party celebration that it was over.  This horridly long, cold, sick, depressing, no snow day month that took Josh away. At some point we’ve all linked Josh’s death to the month of January to a tangible level. It didn’t help that we spend the first two weeks of the month super sick with the flu or bronchitis or something. It was awful. We all struggled our way through January with tears, angst and fighting, depression and bickering, and pouting and sass galore.  I’ve seen the kids struggle with the expression of their grief more this month than ever before. We are trying to learn better coping skills rather than spewing our grief on those around us with outbursts, sass, anger, or pouting, but dang it’s HARD! It’s hard to be a 10 year old pre-teen and try to work out the big emotions of grief while mom is still making me do chores on a Saturday. It’s hard to be a 7 year old boy who is so angry that his dad died and not flare in anger when made to do his reading log when he wants to just play.  It’s hard to be a calm and patient mom with three grieving children who react with complaining and yelling and arguing with even the simplistic task when said mom is struggling as deeply as the children. There are so many emotions just below the surface all the time that rear their ugly head when struggling so badly. So we are working with my counselor on parenting, on grace, and on healthy coping when we do have a grief day (or month), but dang it’s hard! Pray for us.

But the good news is that January is over. February has come. The overwhelming depression has lifted a bit and with this new month has come with a little sunshine, with a little hope that it will be better with my nephew’s first birthday, with Valentine’s parties my kids are excited about, field trips to the orchestra for my girls, with just relief that it is not January and we are one more step closer to spring. 

As I reflect on where we were a year ago in the throes of overwhelming sorrow to the point on non-stop tears, I can see growth.  We still grieve. We have learned all kinds of new language like grief- bursts, and grief days, and waves of grief, and have lived it out over and over again. We have learned how to live differently slowly but surely. And I grieve that and celebrate that at the same time. I grieve as we are missing Josh and wishing things were the same, but celebrate that we are growing and not where we were a year ago. We are all more independent. My kids pack their own lunches, complete their homework most days independently, and get up and ready for the bus in the morning without prompting. I am so proud of how much they’ve grown and their independence. They will be resilient, strong and capable teens and adults as they grow up.  I am more independent too. I finally feel more secure in who I am now. A year of floundering and trying to figure out who I am without Josh.  I am not the same woman I was a year and a half ago who was secure in her married life. I am more broken but also more confident in whose I am, who I am, what I want, and my own abilities to run my own home. I know with confidence the Lord will carry me and mine through any and every trial. He has walked beside me each step of the way carrying us. He will do so for all my days. I am becoming more confident in my decisions and my choices (don’t worry— still plenty of pro and con debating and praying galore that would drive any sane person crazy), but once the decision is made, I am confident in it. While I fail each day in different ways, I do fairly competently run a household. And yet, I am still sooooo grateful for those who support me when things break, kids need to be watched, tires need rotating, or caring for my littles while I race to my early Monday morning meetings at work. I could never do it without those who fill in the gap every day. Thank you! Overall, we are making it. I even prepped my taxes last night - all by myself!!! Last year I did NONE of it. My mom came and did 99% for me. Thank you mom!  Last year I was such a hot mess, I would start having a panic attack and lose it every time I even thought about it. Don’t get me wrong, it started out with a tear or two at the beginning, but I thankful that I am at a place that I can do it at all. It gives hope. Thank you Lord.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. - Lamentations 3:22-23