Anxiety

Anxiety has been a constant companion in the last few weeks... and in all honesty in some form for most of my life. However, since Josh died it has been a non-stop battle to not succumb. I work at all the coping mechanisms I know: praying, starting my day in God’s Word, taking daily walks, seeing a counselor bi-weekly... some work better than others. Yet the anxiety comes back with a vengeance daily (and more often nightly). Recently with the added chaos that is spring, it has been especially awful. I drop the ball daily on a million different tasks I am supposed to accomplish from turning in field trip slips and RSVPing to events on time to remembering to take the trash out on Tuesday nights. Anxieties surface regarding how to best parent my children, relationships with family, school demands, and my always present need to please others and do everything perfectly. I want to just not care...to be okay with average.. to let go of the need to please others... to do what I think is best and be confident in that decision.  Some days I can do that. Most days it’s a struggle. Is it any wonder that the first verse I memorized for myself was from Philippians 4, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition present your requests to God and the peace of God that transcends all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus, our Lord.” I know I need to trust God with these life before me, but in all reality Josh’s death rocked my trust in God. I so often trust God with my hands clenched and my heart still racing. Not exactly the model example of trust. So in the meantime I pray, I cling to those scriptures and I take my walks. Extra prayers are always appreciated!

When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. Psalm 94:19