Anxiety ....still

As I read back through my last point a few weeks ago, I wish I could say that the anxiety I have been struggling with all melted away. Unfortunately not the case. In fact, it just seems to keep hanging on with a vengeance. I met with my counselor last week and she recommended thinking about taking a medication for anxiety. UGH! No thank you! I hate taking medication for pretty much anything. However she persisted in her insistence that I at least talk to my doctor about the idea. When I protested that I am more anxious now just because its the end of the school year and May is normally crazy and stressful, she reminded me that she remembers hearing me talk about the same things in April, and March, and February, and January, etc. etc. Needless to say she had a point. I have always had a bent towards anxiety and worry, but it seems recently that I just can’t get a handle on it no matter what I do. As she said, “You consistently do every coping strategy that I suggest and the tightness in the chest is still there daily.” I keep thinking I just need to pray more and trust more and exercise more and walk more and relax more and sleep more and.... and ....and....it will all go away, and yet it doesn’t seem to be letting up even with doing all these things. She seems to think that I have some PTSD stuff going on where my body is stuck in fight or flight panic mode ever since Josh died and somehow taking medication will reset my body so it can function normally. I don’t know. I am skeptical. I am also terrified of side effects, not being able to get off it easily, and basically having anything in my system that can affect me. The irrational side of me feels like a failure if I do so. I have worked so hard to do this grief thing right and I still end up a mess. Part of me thinks that I just need to make it the 5 more weeks until summer vacation and then I will be just fine.  The other part of me is starting to feel helpless in this state of seemingly never ending anxiety. I hate how it affects me and my reactions to everyday life. A student who wants to talk and I feel irritated they interrupted me.  I never have felt this way. I can’t handle a parent who is upset. I literally cry after I get off the phone or have them leave my office. I lose my temper with my kids over the stupidest things like spilling juice on the ground or having to ask twice to put away clothes. I am just plain overwhelmed with life and the knot in my chest just never seems to let up. I don’t know what to do.

Cast all your anxiety on him for he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

Do not worry about anything but in everything by prayer and petition present your requests to God and the peace of God that passes all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus our Lord. Philippians 4:6

So do not fear, for  I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. Josh 14:27

I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4

You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Isaiah 26:3