Wednesday, October 10, 2018
Football
Sandcastles and the Lions hosted a Superhero Ball at Ford Field. We got the notice on Friday that we were selected to be one of the families to attend the ball on Monday! As we were supposed to wear superhero costumes it did leave us scrambling to borrow from friends with the last minute notice. I waited to tell the kids until it was confirmed and let me just tell you, Caleb was THRILLED!!! He kept saying, “Daddy would love this!” and how true that would be. A whole night of meeting and getting pictures with Lions players would have definitely made Josh’s day! I loved watching them love it too. They had dancing, music, a photo booth, prizes, coloring, video games, and tons of kid friendly food. The kids especially loved seeing the giant Ford field empty at night. It looked awesome. :) Needless to say it was a great night of thinking of Josh, celebrating things that he loved, and spending time together as a family.
Thursday, October 4, 2018
Avoidance
I bought a new couch last week. My friend made a comment about it and that night I got online, googled ‘top rated couches for 2018’, found it online and bought it that night. Somewhat spur of the moment, but in many ways long overdue between Josh dying on the couch. I realized I needed to do it awhile ago after the kids started re-enacting Josh dying for my mom on the couch, but it is so hard to take the time, energy, and effort to go couch shopping (besides I do NOT like pushy sales people). It is crazy how we have so many good memories associated with it but yet that one memory taints it all. I didn’t realize until this week how much I avoid that area. I haven’t watched tv since he died. Even when the kids want to have a movie night I sit for maybe 5 minutes before I’m up and moving somewhere else. Thinking about and dealing with has triggered flashbacks and 3am wake ups like crazy. I guess you can only avoid the thing of nightmares for so long before you need to face it some more. The good news is the new couch came and it is beautiful. I am working to make it a place again that I can feel comfortable and at peace. I finally broke down and found lamps that I can use it there instead of just the overhead ones. I want my memories of Josh to be of his life not on his death. For that lasted a day, but his life is forever.
He will swallow up death forever, And the Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces. Isaiah 25:8
He will swallow up death forever, And the Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces. Isaiah 25:8
Fast forward
I realized today that I hadn’t written in quite some time, mainly because life has felt like it has hit the fast forward button. I feel like life is flying by and I am holding on by the seat of my pants. I should expect this as it happen most every fall, but this one seems especially full as work has been insanely busy with planning college fairs, open houses, PSAT testing, getting seniors ready for college and all th rest. Add to that the girls started their first school season on volleyball and Caleb does Saturday football. Busy but fun things of life. I love seeing them play and be part of a team. I didn’t realize how much your heart gets caught in your throat every time your child goes to serve or gets the ball in the game. I love cheering them on and supporting them.
The big news of the season is that Ed and I got engaged. It’s an odd juxtaposition to on one hand be missing Josh forever and have waves of grief that hit while also feeling joy and happiness spending time with Ed and planning a wedding. I don’t know if I could have ever fully understood or wrapped my head around the idea that you can love two different men so much at the same time, and yet in such different way. That grief and joy can co-exist, and that is okay. That sometimes God’s timelines and plans can be so different that what I would have every imagined.
While I am super excited to marry Ed, I have not been super excited about planning a wedding. I didn’t exactly enjoy that part the first time and there is no set manual of what to do with a second wedding. But don’t worry, just like widowhood there is a huge list of unwritten rules that people have that you are supposed to know and follow. No veil, bright white dress is a no no, no shower, small wedding (just a few people), super simple (backyard prefered), etc., etc, etc, Is this just life with every decision chained down by the rules of other people? It’s like a mindfield trying to dodge a mistake that will forever have you be judged as spoiled, greedy, ungrateful, inconsiderate, tasteless, etc. My counselor is forever telling me that I need to live life according to how God is directing me and not according to the many opinions of others. Wouldn’t it just figure that Bible verse for the day is “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10. Ouch! Are you trying to tell me something God?
I have been wedding dress shopping over the last few weeks. When you are in your twenties its all magical and feels great. At almost forty I look at myself in the mirror in a wedding dress, and it feels so odd. I never planned to try on another wedding dress, and yet here I stand twirling around in one looking back at the silver haired woman who stands in front of me in the mirror. So much older, so much life lived, hopefully wiser, and definitely not the same as the twenty year old who was so blissfully naive, young and full of dreams. I found a dress that I do love. Even better I found one I love for $300 on extreme clearance!!! Definitely the way to my heart! LOL.
My favorite part of the wedding planning is the pre- marriage counseling classes. I wish every couple had this opprotunity. It has been so wonderful going through extensive counseling over the last couple months. I love getting to know Ed more deeply and to work through with him the challenges that we will inevitably face. As he has started his new job that has more regular hours, we are slowly adjusting to spending more regular time together as we family. The kids, I and Ed are all adjusting steadily. I am so grateful that the kids and him have known each other their whole life. That he loves to tell them stories about Josh just as much as they love hearing them. That he is not threatened by the fact we all love Josh forever. That he wants Josh’s pictures forever up on the walls and encourages sharing of memories. How did God pick a man who could love Josh and us so much. Who can love a widow and three kids without reservation. God is most certainly faithful, even in the midst.
The big news of the season is that Ed and I got engaged. It’s an odd juxtaposition to on one hand be missing Josh forever and have waves of grief that hit while also feeling joy and happiness spending time with Ed and planning a wedding. I don’t know if I could have ever fully understood or wrapped my head around the idea that you can love two different men so much at the same time, and yet in such different way. That grief and joy can co-exist, and that is okay. That sometimes God’s timelines and plans can be so different that what I would have every imagined.
While I am super excited to marry Ed, I have not been super excited about planning a wedding. I didn’t exactly enjoy that part the first time and there is no set manual of what to do with a second wedding. But don’t worry, just like widowhood there is a huge list of unwritten rules that people have that you are supposed to know and follow. No veil, bright white dress is a no no, no shower, small wedding (just a few people), super simple (backyard prefered), etc., etc, etc, Is this just life with every decision chained down by the rules of other people? It’s like a mindfield trying to dodge a mistake that will forever have you be judged as spoiled, greedy, ungrateful, inconsiderate, tasteless, etc. My counselor is forever telling me that I need to live life according to how God is directing me and not according to the many opinions of others. Wouldn’t it just figure that Bible verse for the day is “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10. Ouch! Are you trying to tell me something God?
I have been wedding dress shopping over the last few weeks. When you are in your twenties its all magical and feels great. At almost forty I look at myself in the mirror in a wedding dress, and it feels so odd. I never planned to try on another wedding dress, and yet here I stand twirling around in one looking back at the silver haired woman who stands in front of me in the mirror. So much older, so much life lived, hopefully wiser, and definitely not the same as the twenty year old who was so blissfully naive, young and full of dreams. I found a dress that I do love. Even better I found one I love for $300 on extreme clearance!!! Definitely the way to my heart! LOL.
My favorite part of the wedding planning is the pre- marriage counseling classes. I wish every couple had this opprotunity. It has been so wonderful going through extensive counseling over the last couple months. I love getting to know Ed more deeply and to work through with him the challenges that we will inevitably face. As he has started his new job that has more regular hours, we are slowly adjusting to spending more regular time together as we family. The kids, I and Ed are all adjusting steadily. I am so grateful that the kids and him have known each other their whole life. That he loves to tell them stories about Josh just as much as they love hearing them. That he is not threatened by the fact we all love Josh forever. That he wants Josh’s pictures forever up on the walls and encourages sharing of memories. How did God pick a man who could love Josh and us so much. Who can love a widow and three kids without reservation. God is most certainly faithful, even in the midst.
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