How can a heart break over and over again. I don’t know how many nights 4am wakes me up feeling like my soul is being ripped in two.... too many to count. With Josh’s birthday in two days, Christmas quickly approaching and January 2 coming all too soon, the grief overwhelms each night and day. The nights with tears and the days with a haze from lack of sleep and beary eyes. I cringe at my lack of productivity this year in all areas of life: work, Girl Scouts, working with my children on school work, taking care of the house, spending quality time with my children, church..... this list just goes on and on. I try, but I just can’t do it. I am letting so many down. I feel like my whole life has been engulfed in grief and its reach leaves nothing untouched. This week has been the worst yet, which shouldn’t be a surprise. I can barely function. The ache and pain that has been present this whole year is pierced by a pain that leaves me breathless with its sharpness. So ironic that as I approach one year, I would hope I would have some healing evident and yet I feel worse now than I ever have. Oh Lord I miss him so much. Surround us with your healing, comfort and love, for you alone can truly provide it.
I found this song that made me both cry and smile a bit. It talks about Christmas without a loved one. Love the perspective of Josh with the son of God, the one we are celebrating during this time of year. If you’d like to hear the song by Craig Aven called “Son of God” click the link below to YouTube.
https://youtu.be/f3browtvP7k
John 14:1 -3 ““Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.”
Romans 15:13 “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”
Beautiful song. Kelly I know it doesn't make it a bit easier, but it makes perfect sense you are feeling worse now than ever.. You are drawing near to a milestone that you never ever wanted to and one that is heartbreaking. But God knew ahead every step you would go through in this and as the song says, the sweetest gift is knowing you're in His arms. Cling to that truth and know that you have done an AMAZING job this year keeping your head up and doing what you've gotta do, whether you feel that's true or not. You've got this. And God's got you on the days you don't. Love you, friend.💙
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry friend. Praying God's strength, peace, and comfort for you as you struggle through these hard days. We are praying for you and love you. Don't feel guilty about 'letting people down' keep yourself and your kids afloat and that's the best you can do for now! Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteKelly I am so sorry each day gets harder as the milestone days approach. Know that I love you and God loves you so much and holds you even in this pain. He promises to take hold of your hand through every awful step. I pray God would keep your mind at peace in those early morning hours and too, throughout the day, knowing you are enough. You are enough for what he has called you to be. Love you!
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