January is OVER!

Can we just stop for a moment and celebrate that the worst month of the year is OVER because my kids and I certainly did. Full on dance party celebration that it was over.  This horridly long, cold, sick, depressing, no snow day month that took Josh away. At some point we’ve all linked Josh’s death to the month of January to a tangible level. It didn’t help that we spend the first two weeks of the month super sick with the flu or bronchitis or something. It was awful. We all struggled our way through January with tears, angst and fighting, depression and bickering, and pouting and sass galore.  I’ve seen the kids struggle with the expression of their grief more this month than ever before. We are trying to learn better coping skills rather than spewing our grief on those around us with outbursts, sass, anger, or pouting, but dang it’s HARD! It’s hard to be a 10 year old pre-teen and try to work out the big emotions of grief while mom is still making me do chores on a Saturday. It’s hard to be a 7 year old boy who is so angry that his dad died and not flare in anger when made to do his reading log when he wants to just play.  It’s hard to be a calm and patient mom with three grieving children who react with complaining and yelling and arguing with even the simplistic task when said mom is struggling as deeply as the children. There are so many emotions just below the surface all the time that rear their ugly head when struggling so badly. So we are working with my counselor on parenting, on grace, and on healthy coping when we do have a grief day (or month), but dang it’s hard! Pray for us.

But the good news is that January is over. February has come. The overwhelming depression has lifted a bit and with this new month has come with a little sunshine, with a little hope that it will be better with my nephew’s first birthday, with Valentine’s parties my kids are excited about, field trips to the orchestra for my girls, with just relief that it is not January and we are one more step closer to spring. 

As I reflect on where we were a year ago in the throes of overwhelming sorrow to the point on non-stop tears, I can see growth.  We still grieve. We have learned all kinds of new language like grief- bursts, and grief days, and waves of grief, and have lived it out over and over again. We have learned how to live differently slowly but surely. And I grieve that and celebrate that at the same time. I grieve as we are missing Josh and wishing things were the same, but celebrate that we are growing and not where we were a year ago. We are all more independent. My kids pack their own lunches, complete their homework most days independently, and get up and ready for the bus in the morning without prompting. I am so proud of how much they’ve grown and their independence. They will be resilient, strong and capable teens and adults as they grow up.  I am more independent too. I finally feel more secure in who I am now. A year of floundering and trying to figure out who I am without Josh.  I am not the same woman I was a year and a half ago who was secure in her married life. I am more broken but also more confident in whose I am, who I am, what I want, and my own abilities to run my own home. I know with confidence the Lord will carry me and mine through any and every trial. He has walked beside me each step of the way carrying us. He will do so for all my days. I am becoming more confident in my decisions and my choices (don’t worry— still plenty of pro and con debating and praying galore that would drive any sane person crazy), but once the decision is made, I am confident in it. While I fail each day in different ways, I do fairly competently run a household. And yet, I am still sooooo grateful for those who support me when things break, kids need to be watched, tires need rotating, or caring for my littles while I race to my early Monday morning meetings at work. I could never do it without those who fill in the gap every day. Thank you! Overall, we are making it. I even prepped my taxes last night - all by myself!!! Last year I did NONE of it. My mom came and did 99% for me. Thank you mom!  Last year I was such a hot mess, I would start having a panic attack and lose it every time I even thought about it. Don’t get me wrong, it started out with a tear or two at the beginning, but I thankful that I am at a place that I can do it at all. It gives hope. Thank you Lord.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. - Lamentations 3:22-23