Too much

The mess of frustration, anger, sadness and angst which comes unexpectedly after a day just fine. When it hits and you can't find an escape. The overwhelming emotion that cannot be contained so you run and walk and run some more to work it out lest it explodes later on some unsuspecting child who just wants a glass of milk or to stay up just five more minutes. The whys and fears and sorrows that overwhelm as when wrestling with the God of the universe. The God of love and life and comfort.  But why God? Lord, I believe; help my unbelief. Choosing to bless His name in the midst of the taking away.

The sweet salve of God's Word through music, that soothes and yet challenges.

The continued stretching as we finish just one more math problem and one last spelling word, praying for patience  and wisdom and the strength of saints to make it just one more hour.

The beauty and angst of children picking out our beloved's shirts to make memory bears... to see their joy in the memory and the sorrow in the loss. The burying of small faces into the softnesss of shirts that hold the last resemblances of the hugs they once had, desperately searching for one last wift of the daddy that held them against his strength and warmth.

Oh the sorrow of the day that seems so inescapable. Lord hold me.

Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. ... Who have I in heaven by you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire beside you. My flesh and my heart may fail; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever... but for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge. Psalm 73:23-28

Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30

Weekend review

Overwhelmed. I am realizing that balancing the practical things (getting a hair cut, going to SOS to renew my license, cleaning my house, doing taxes, buying socks) and the necessary things (getting kids to and from school and working enough hours) of life is a bit challenging. There are not enough hours in the day. I am trying to figure out how to fit all these things in while still guarding my time with the kids. How do people do it? My head is swimming and I'm only one Target run into buying anything. I haven't even started real grocery shopping or half the stuff I need to do. And I am still spoiled with friends making lunches  and dinners. I know I get overwhelmed the minute I look too far ahead, and I need to just focus on what needs to be done next, but it is so hard to do. Phew.

This weekend overall was a blessing. My whole family was around for the weekend so lots of family time was a much needed blessing for us all. There is nothing like the laughter of children, the snuggles of a baby and the fellowship with siblings and parents to bring joy.

On the other side, this morning was rough. The kids ended up staying the night at their grandma's last night. I woke up in the house alone, early. On one hand I want to say I had a little too much time to think and sob uncontrollably for hours into his sweatshirt... on the other hand it was probably overdue as I've been running non-stop lately. I finally got myself to get out of bed and go for a walk/run before church. Once again music about God and his faithfulness was a much needed balm for the soul.  The sunshine was a nice bonus too. Needless to say though I was very late for church and the kids were left wondering why I was so late. Whoops! I did so appreciate worshippping with my family even if it was only for the second part.

Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord himself, is my strength and my defense, he has become my salvation. Isaiah 12:2

Daddy Daughter Dance

I am praising God that the girls loved the dance. They had a wonderful time running around like crazy kids with every other girl. They raved about the delicious brownies that supposedly their uncle ate most of and the crazy dance moves they did. They loved getting dressed up, having lots of family around to dote on them, and aunties do their hair and help them dress up. Caleb got to hang out with cousins so he was happy and I had lots of family distractions. I held it together until we went to take pictures with their uncles before they left.... it was at that part I lost it. I just keep seeing them on either side of Josh posing each year, feeling so loved and so special in the way that only a daddy can make his girls feel. They held it together until we climbed in bed together tonight, as they shared how hard it was to see everyone else dancing with their daddy's, and wishing so much that he was there to dance with them. Praying for comfort and peace for my loves this night, that God would be their refuge and strength.

Whoever fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and for their children it will be a refuge. Proverbs 14:26

Trigger

The last few days have been ROUGH! So odd because with the beautiful weather, I'd expect my mood to reflect it.  However, there is a song that comes on the radio that has a phrase about dry bones and while the song overall is positive for some reason it just triggers me to these horrid pull-over-on-the-side-of-the- road-because-I-can't-stop-hystically-sobbing-enough-to-see panic type things. While I know with full certainty that Josh is alive and well and so full of unspeakable joy in heaven, the reality also exists that the physical hand I held almost every day for 15 years is six feet under ground. This I can't wrap my head and heart around. And unfortunately the imagery in this song is just too much for me. It has been haunting me the last few days. Pray with me for freedom from these horrid thoughts and images, and peace as only Christ can provide.

Pray also for my girls as tomorrow they have the daddy-daughter dance. One of their favorite days each year which has been forever altered. My brothers are taking them and while they are excited to go and dance with friends, they are so devastated to not have their daddy. Pray for them. Pray their souls are comforted, they are filled with joy, and have a wonderful night with uncles and friends.

And finally I praise God that today was finally a good day: beauty, sunshine, warmth, children laughing, friends, good conversations, and fulfilling work. I also had a week full of the joy that comes with friends having new babies (always a blessing!). Praising God for the mercies that come with each new day. 

The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves.  He will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love. Zephaniah 3:17

Juxtaposition

The last 48 hours are full of tears and angst, sunshine and walks, worry and distress. Such juxtaposition. Two things side by side. So different. We enjoyed every minute of the warm weather and sunshine, taking walks, rollerblading, jumping on the trampoline. Yet, the grief overshadowed the joy with such force that it left us all sobbing as we closed the night. Caleb, my boy who has prided himself on holding back the tears finally broke. I may have pushed a bit for it. Between just leaving Sandcastles and the girls being in a mood of sharing daddy memories that they miss most, he finally caved in a riotous burst of sobs that lasted long into the night. The holding back, holding together finally broke.... It is such a balance between letting him grieve in his own way, but also knowing that hiding and burying the grief and sadness too long builds and festers until it overwhelms.  I know that the tears must come, that the leaning into the grief brings eventually healing. And yet when you're six and the lies that boys must be strong and not cry have already seeped into your mind and heart, it is so hard to be the boy mourning with tears flowing.  The precarious balance between seeking to find joy in each day while also leaning into the grief that also hits anew each morning and nigh is one that takes my breath away.

 Oh Lord comfort my children; be their refuge and strength. Bring the precious healing that only you can provide. Hold my children in your hands, and when the night is darkest and the despair is deepest bring hope and light.

I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whose I trust. - psalm 91:2

Be still

Read this today. It reflected the cry of my heart so well that I want to always remember it and have a record of it to look back on.

"Instead of listening to the noise of your worries, listen to the voice of the Lord. We are not to let our joy come from our circumstances, because circumstances change.

The Lord remains the same. The Lord remains loyal, omnipotent, and loving. Allow your joy to come from Christ. Be still, stop paying attention to the storm.

He has already proved that He can calm any storm. Sometimes God allows trials so you can learn to be more dependent on Him. God is saying, “I’m in control.

I can do all things. Stop fearing and trust in me instead.” When your thoughts are running rampant, don’t seek temporary help by watching TV, going on the internet, etc.

Go find a lonely place. A place with no noise. When you stop and focus on the beauty of Christ, you will receive the peace that He has promised you. When you cry out to Him in prayer you will feel His comfort.

Be still and relax in the Lord. He is in control. Remember the times that He has helped you, other believers, and people in Scripture. God promises to help you and never leave you. Talk to Him, trust in Him, be still, and you will hear His calming voice and rest upon His strength."
-post from St Paul Pontiac's page

family time

This weekend the kids and I went to see Josh's family. The three hour drive about did me in as I missed one of the interchanges and ended up miles out of my way trying to figure out how to get back on the correct highway. But other than that hiccup it was a pretty great weekend. The kids loved the cuddles, playing with cousins, and horses. I love the fellowship, food, and laughter. There were tears too. How do you not shed some tears when there is a giant Josh sized hole missing.  Every trip included him forever; how do you not look around and see his absence at every turn. And yet, there was lots and lots of good memories too; memories that bring a smile and tear at the same time. And as I worshipped God with his parents on either side I could only think of how much Josh would have loved to be there too. How much he would have loved to be there the whole weekend, being part of the commotion and laughter and worshipping God together. We are beyond spoiled and blessed with amazing families, full of love and laughter. I praise God for this blessing he has given us in them. It really was a wonderful weekend.

And yet the drive back was excruciatingly hard as 'the lasts' surfaced all too real. The not so good memories of driving home on a Monday morning just 7 weeks ago. A lifetime and yet a moment ago. Same drive, same time leaving and yet I drive now instead of him. I think of our conversations the last drive. How I regret choosing a nap instead of a longer chat that day.  I wrestle to bring forth every comment made. I see him sipping his Gatorade and fiddling with his earbuds as he listened to a show. I hear him comment on the weekend and shift to straighten his leg as it gets stiff.  I unload the car so that he can watch the Western game and relax, but now I unload the car with a glance toward the living room desperately wishing I could see him even one more time. Oh how I miss him. And so I cry 'God help me, help me, help me' over and over again praying He'd hear my cry and help in ways I can't describe or imagine.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. Romans 6:26

Today and tomorrow

Today felt full, but not in a bad way. I couldn't sleep so I got up a hair early and worked out before the kids were up. The ability to exercise, unload the dishwasher, straighten up the kitchen some before the kids were every up felt good. They all actually got up and made it out the door for the bus as I left for work. Work was good. I love talking about curriculum, scheduling, classes, upcoming building projects, and new principal possibilities.  It was actually a fun and exciting day. I was even able to leave in time to pick up the kids for a very overdue play date. Having them play meant I had time to actually pay bills, file paperwork, clean the kitchen, and catch up on the piles in every corner that get neglected during the busy week. We all enjoyed the time with friends. After finishing a wee bit of homework (without any complaining),  we ended the evening with pjs and cuddling together watching Disney short films. Everyone went to bed after Bible stories and reading time with no tears. The best part is I was able to turn off the alarms and we all get to sleep in tomorrow morning! The kids have no school tomorrow!

Tomorrow we are headed to visit family. And while we all are looking forward to some family time, I am dreading the drive. UGH- I know I am a baby, but I have always HATED driving. Boy I really miss my 'chauffeur' right about now. When we first met (just friends at this point), I offered to pick him up and give him a ride while his car was broken. I will never forget the first time I told him that while I was perfectly fine picking him up to get to campus, he'd have to be the one driving!  He jokingly offered right then to be my forever chauffeur.  He didn't know what he got himself into! He never minded driving and in fact preferred it since he'd get carsick so easily. It worked perfected for us both! Geez- I miss him. Sarcastic wit, goofy grin, and chauffeur service in one package.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.   - Lamentation 3:22-23

Stomach flu

The days before Josh died he was sick with the stomach flu (or at least that's what we all were thinking). He puked right after midnight on New Years Eve, and was sick the entire next day on New Years Day puking. He was so miserable he just laid on the bathroom floor or in bed for hours. As the kids and I were processing after Sandcastles tonight we were talking about things we wish we'd have done before he died. The universal response was that we wished we had hugged and kissed him before he died and told him we loved him. We all were avoiding him like the plague because the stomach bug had been going around and none of us wanted to catch it. I even remember yelling at him as we slept in bed that he needed to roll over and face away from me so he wasn't giving me his germs.  There was no last minute cuddles or hugs given the last two days, and it's something that we all regret desperately. Yes, we all know that he loved us and he knew we loved him. There were plenty of cuddles and hugs before that sickness hit, but honesty it cuts me and us all to our very core that our very last interactions were ones of avoidance. Josh and I barely talked on the way home. We always talk driving home. We didn't hold hands.... and we always hold hands. It is hard to not be angry at myself or feel so guilty that I wasn't more loving to him as he was sick. I cringe at my selfishness and putting myself first all because I didn't want to get sick too. How I wish I would have responded differently.  Pray we'd all know the sweet forgiveness and cleansing that can only come through Christ who forgives us all our shortcomings and sins, and gives us grace beyond measure.

Full night

We have our next Sandcastles children grief group tonight, as well as a doctor appointment for Caleb right after school (originally scheduled for Monday but they rescheduled on us!). I really try to avoid too much on one night. The kids all tend to get onry if they don't get enough play time and having pretty much back to back things with homework to do in between is not ideal. Please pray that this afternoon/ evening goes well. Pray for an extra measure of grace and patience for us all. Pray that doctor appointments are quick and Sandcastles is helpful (and the kids actually want to go!).

Valentine's Day

I awoke this morning to the scampering of feet and the excited chatter of voices as my kiddos snuck into my bed to surprise me with their gift for me.  Bittersweet tears quickly followed the sweet words of the card they picked which they whispered they knew I'd love because it talked about praying for them and they knew I always pray for them and love them. Next out burst the strawberry filled Oreos.... that reminded them of the time that their daddy came home and surprised me with the same just because he'd thought I'd like them since he knew my affinity for chocolate covered strawberries. They just knew that this gift would be a gift that both them and daddy would give. Oh how I love their sweet genuine love and thoughtfulness.

The highlight of my Valentine's Day was when I dropped off Caleb and was pulled aside by his teacher. What a beautiful gift to be told that my Caleb shared that he knew his daddy was in heaven because he believed in Jesus. And the gift daddy gave him was telling him about Jesus so he could believe in Jesus too. (Rough paraphrase). Oh what sweet words of promise, comfort and joy. There is nothing that brings me more joy than hearing my children cling to the truth of Jesus. To hear that they  trust that their daddy is in heaven. To hear them profess their faith in Jesus.  Oh how I wish Josh could know and hear of the legacy of faith that he left with the children he loved so much. Oh the joy he would have. Pray that one day we would all join Josh in heaven and share in the place with any rooms that Jesus has prepared for us. Pray that our faith does not wane as the trials of life hit and the mundane of the daily go on, and as the temptations of the world try to seduce. Pray that the Holy Spirit protect us from bitterness, envy, and hate. Pray my family fixes their eyes on Christ, clings to him more each day, and trusts and loves Jesus with an always growing faith.

I was blessed with so many big and little demonstrations of love from so many friends and family. From words of comfort, cards, gifts, drinks, hugs, and unexpected surprises, I and the kids felt so loved. I know I will completely fail to adequately thank all that cared for us today, but thank you so much.

And while I did shed tears pretty much the entire day, they were mostly tears of sweet sadness, sweet joy, and sweet comfort. Yet at the end of the night as Caleb insisted his reading to me would be looking through every single picture in the album of my sweet son's first years, I could not hold back the anguish of the day any longer. For while it is doable to hide from it for awhile with the love, hugs, distractions and fun of the day, it found me as I gazed at my Josh meeting his son for the first time, cuddling him on his chest, carrying him on his shoulders, and smiling at me through the lens of long ago. For where is the hand to hold mine, his chest to rest my head on, and his laugh to bring joy. And so I'm left with anguished sobs and the unending loneliness of my beloved not being by my side, begging God to help me and hold me.



Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father's house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.   ...Jesus answered,  "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me". Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.  John 14:1-3, 27

Self- centered

Grief can be quite isolating and self-centered.  Suddenly the world revolves around you for a moment as your little world gets so small. I see it with my children who get upset because their brother doesn't pick the toy they want him too. I see it in myself as I realize how often the conversation centers around how I or we are doing. I see it in how small the focus of my world has shrunk.  And yet, at times I am drawn out of this small circle of sorrow and self-pity as I am able to share in the joys and sorrows of those around me. I get to experience it as I get to help students through their own dramas of the teen years. I am drawn outside my little world discussing doctrine, and truth, and Jesus, and joys and woes.  And as much as it is at times an emotional drain, it also is a blessing. As I get the opportunity to pray with and for friends and family, for student and parents, it is a blessing to me.  I am amazingly blessed with amazing friends and family that continue to bless me with prayers, food, little reminders and gifts, time spent together, and just amazing Christ-like servanthood to me and my children. I thank God that he also gives me the opportunity to pray and encourage others with the little bit I can give as I have been blessed so greatly. So please tell me your own joys and struggles, so I can be praying for you, as you have done for me.

I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. Ephesians 1:16

I thank my god every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart and, whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God’s grace with me. God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus.

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God. 

Philippians 1:3-11

Bedtime woes

I had high hopes that tonight I'd get the kids to bed at a decent time. We started off at 8:15, so not great but not terrible. Bedtime just finally came for the girls five minutes ago at 10 o'clock, and even now I can still hear soft sobbing sneaking through the door from the other room. Bedtime veered left as I left Kay for two minutes on the bed to go get Caleb his puppy and somehow that erupted into a giant meltdown fight between Kay and Caleb. This quickly leads to two hours of tears, meltdowns,  missing daddy, and trying to comfort as we listen to 'Good Good Father', 'Ten Thousand Reasons', and 'It is Well with my Soul'. It is hitting the girls that Josh isn't going to the daddy daughter dance, isn't going to Mexico, isn't going to the water park. Kay couldn't remember his voice. We watched the Christmas video of the kids finding out about our trip to Mexico where you can Josh's deep voice.  Oh the deep piercing of the heart that commenced. How can he sound so here but not be at all? How was that less than two months ago? How is he gone forever? How can we never hear his voice again? How does it hurt so much? Oh Lord how we miss him.

Today was a day I just wanted to crawl into bed, hide under my blankets and sleep the day away.  I tried desperately to sneak in a nap, but of course that didn't happen and even my hopes of a decent bedtime were shattered.  It was a day of being covered in a suffocating blanket of depression. I kept trying to peek out, but it just kept clinging on. Actually the last day and a half have been that. We stopped at the cemetery where Josh was buried yesterday afternoon.... and I feel like I am still standing there next to his grave site even as life as moved on. I try to make conversation, and make myself laugh and smile, and yet I am not really there. My laugh is hollow and my smile wanes. I have trouble listening well, following along in conversations, keeping my train of thought. All I see is the gaping hole where Josh should be and isn't.  I hate this feeling. I hate the hollowness and feeling like I am living life through a looking glass. Oh Lord Jesus help.

Dog barking.... thankfulness?

Today I received a call from the Shelby Township police department saying there had been a noise complaint from my lovely condo neighbors behind us, and I was going to get a $150 fine for my dog barking. Yes, my Swiss cheese memory failed me. I had let Halo out in the afternoon and forgot to let him back in when I left the house. Thankfully it was a nice warmer day. Nothing like a phone call from the police to make your heart skip a few beats.   I went into panic mode trying to frantically call anyone who was near to let him in. It took a few minutes to calm down and remind myself that God is in control, even when it feels like there is one stressor after another for the last two months. The kids and I were reading the 'Jesus Always' by Sarah Young devotions tonight. It talked about giving thanks in all circumstances, even when there is sorrow, frustrations, or hardships. We all have been struggling with this; feeling crabby or complaining about everything little thing that goes wrong.  It was good for all of us to stop and thank God for specific ways we are blessed by friends family, home, health care, and school.  While it doesn't change my frustration with myself for forgetting Halo outside and the ensuing citation, it does help put things in perspective, changing the focus from my own woes to thanksgiving for God's blessings.

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? Psalm 27:1

All aspects of life

It surprises me sometimes how I can get through part of the day feeling relatively ok. Josh is always at the back of my brain, but overall emotionally I'm ok. And then suddenly out of nowhere it hits like a lead weight to my chest, a knife to the heart, a punch to the gut and I can barely breath for the sorrow. This afternoon it was as I saw an ambulance drive by. Suddenly I just kept picturing Josh leaving in the ambulance and thinking about how we were just talking about how I got to ride in one when I had my allergic reaction and he hadn't. We were joking about it. And then I'm thinking about how he finally got to ride in one and he didn't even get to look around and check it all out. So odd the thoughts that race through the brain.

Mornings still suck. This morning it was about 4:30am I woke up. I usually start reading a devotion or my Bible to try to seek out the only true source of comfort. This morning it was a devotional on the range of losses that come. "One reason grief distrusts so many aspects of your life is because your loss is not one isolated loss. You will miss so many qualities and facets of the person you lost that each will become an opportunity to experience grief." That's all it took. I lost it ever more.

 Josh. My friend. My love. My companion. My lover. The only person who got my kind of funny...who thought I was funny, and would laugh at the same things with me. My breadwinner, shopper, and lunch maker.  My cook and grill master. The shoulder to cry on. The back to snuggle up on. The arms who embrace and comfort me. The logic to my emotion. The father of our children. My own personal chauffeur. The one who cheered me up. The one who would cuddle me in his arms and make me feel small and safe. The one who put me in line if I was being ridiculous. My mechanic, mower, and handyman all in one. My TV and movie getter. My computer fixer.  The roughhouse jungle gym for our children.  The one that would make me feel beautiful and cherished. The one who'd call me darling and love. The one I knew and knew me so well. My love.

I'm sure your thinking right about now, geez- what did you do in this relationships?! I'm proud to say I know I was so spoiled, which makes it all the harder. How could I not weep after losing all that, of losing him? How do I survive without him? And so it is to the Lord I cry for mercy, to hold us when we weep, to carry all the sorrow of my children and I. To fill this Josh size hole that looms so large. To bring once again joy, gladness and healing where all we can see is sorrow, sadness, and grief.

Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you. I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower agains the foe. Psalm 61:1-3

Answered prayers

Oh what a day! My kids managed to successfully take the bus from the house to school. This has been an ongoing issue either because it keeps coming at different times and we miss it, or because they aren't getting along with other kids on the bus. It is a super long bus ride (they get on at 8ish and don't get to school until 8:55am), but on Wednesdays and Thursday I really need them to ride in the morning. In any case, they managed to make it on time today for which I was super grateful. Pray that they have smooth, fun, drama-free rides in the future, and actually like riding the bus. It would seriously make life so much easier if they liked it more.

In other news, I got to cuddle my adorable nephew because he and my sister FINALLY made it home. There were some scary complications during and after delivery so we are praising God that both my sister and baby are doing better. My kids begged to go visit and hold the baby today. They adore their new cousin, and I love cuddling him. Pray they continue to heal, adjust to life at home, and have no more complications.

In other news, THE KIDS PASSPORTS ARRIVED!!!!!  Josh and I bought us all tickets to Mexico City as our family Christmas present.  We found the tickets super cheap, we desperately wanted our whole family to visit one of our dear friends who lives in Mexico City, and it was perfectly placed over the kids' spring break.  I mean what could go wrong?! On Christmas, the kids had to open backpacks to find clues until they finally figured out that we were going to Mexico. It was the best. I loved their excitement and pure joy. But then Josh died the day before we were going to get the kids' passports.   At that point, I wasn't sure if the kids and I would still go, but when I mentioned just staying home the kids had a fit, begging to go.  How I was getting three kids through domestic and foreign airports was beyond me, but then more dear friends stepped in to fix airline stuff and get a ticket to go with me for part of the trip (the hard part of customs and arriving in Mexico). But there still remained the passport issue.   For a child's passport you need both parents present or a certified death certificate.... so I wasn't sure if what I had would work.... BUT two weeks after we applied, the passports arrived! Sooooo it looks like we are going to Mexico City over spring break. Needless to say we will need plenty of prayers for this trip!

Harmony

My kids are playing together. All THREE kids are playing together. For the last two hours, without fighting or arguing or tears. Do you understand how HUGE this is?! We haven't managed this in a month straight for any length of time. PRAISE JESUS! The last month has been constant bickering and short fuses and tears. The girls vs Caleb 24-7.  And right now, they are playing TOGETHER!

So in summary, I am savoring the sound of laughter and giggles and playing in harmony. It is like music to the soul. Homework may not get done tonight at this rate, but I am not interrupting this for anything.

So if you could pray that we could have a LOT more of ALL THREE playing together in harmony, I'd really appreciate it. Like really, really appreciate it.

Elephant in the room

Please, dear friend,
Don't say to me the old cliches,
Time heals all wounds,
God only gives you as much as you can bear,
Life is for the living...
Just say the thoughts of your heart.
I'm sorry, I love you, I'm here, I care.
Hug me and squeeze my hand.
I need your warmth and strength.
Please don't drop your eyes when I am near.
I feel so rejected now by God and man.
Just look in my eyes, and let me know that you are with me.
Don't think you must always be strong for me.
It's OK to cry.
It tells me how much you care.
Let me cry, too.
It's lonely to always cry alone.
Please keep coming by even after many weeks have passed.
When the numbness wears off, the pain of grief is unbearable.
Don't ever expect me to be quite the same.
How can I be when part of my being is here no more?
But please know, dear friend, with your love, support and understanding,
I will live and love again and be grateful every day that I have you.
- Mary Bailey, Galesburg, ILL

Quite a bit of this rings true. I have been so blessed with so many hugs, love, and support from so many loved ones in these early weeks. And yet, I have also had the eye avoidance and ackwardness when the person is so uncomfortable because of the loss, and try to avoid talking about it, or just avoid me completely.

 For the love, just acknowledge the elephant in the room!

Don't hesitate "because it will make me think of him". There is never a time I am not thinking of him! He is always in the back of my mind even as I am smiling, or talking, or teaching a lesson. I appreciate that you remember, acknowledge.  For some I know it's hard to have people ask how they are doing each day. For me, I fear when no one asks anymore. When the hugs, texts, calls, prayers, and acknowledgments stop. Even now I can feel everyone else's lives moving on, and mine still frozen in the immense grief and loss.

Helpless

Helpless. We did a writing exercise tonight where we started with the prompt, "I feel..." I looked back over what I wrote and through the randomness the thoughts and feelings of helplessness rang true. The complete inability to help myself, to help others, to help make things better.

 Myself -so helpless. To heal. To comfort. To deliver. To save. To bring any measure of relief. To lesson the pain for those I love. To stop bad things from happening. 

 Begging God. Help me. Help my kids. Help my sister. Help my nephew. Help our family. Help. 

Help me, Lord my God; save me according to your unfailing love. Psalm 109:26

Head and heart

Habits die hard, like getting dressed in the morning for the last month with the lights off since I don't want to wake Josh up. Putting Halo in the girls' room at night since if he is in mine he will bark when Josh gets home. Waking up at 4am most nights waiting for him to climb into bed. And I do them each day until like this morning when I realize, he's not in bed to wake up. He is not coming home to make Halo bark.  He isn't climbing into bed. And it's then the oppressive grief settles in again like an unbearable blanket under which it's hard to breathe. It's like one of the two, my head or my heart keeps lying to me. I know he is dead. But one of the two, my head or my heart won't or can't believe it really is forever.

Blessings

God blessed our family this weekend with a beautiful baby boy, Benjamin Gray. A beloved nephew. A cherished cousin. Oh how we have waited and prayed for this boy. And the waiting was long and hard, fraught with pain and fear. And yet, there is joy, overwhelming joy that comes with new life. So we praise God as the pain of childbirth has come to an end and the joy of life has begun. 

Pray for my sister and brother-in-law as they adjust to the realities of parenthood, the euphoric joy and the sleepless nights, and everything else in between. Pray for this sweet boy that he may be a healthy and happy baby.  And most of all, pray that he grow to love and know the Lord more each day, following Him all the days of his life.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23

Trust and fear

Trust. Fear. In some ways it is easier to trust God when you think you have hit rock bottom and think that nothing can get worse... until you find yourself in a situation where you can suddenly imagine things getting worse, and then trusting God doesn't feel so easy anymore. And the fear creeps in. 

 Clinging to God seems like the only thing possible right now. There is no way to survive this without Him, of that I have no doubt. However, I realize my naive  'everything is eventually going to be alright' and that 'nothing more bad can happen' thoughts aren't quite reality. Bad things happen. And sometimes more bad things happen after what you imagine the worse to be. I get that it is part of the brokenness of the world, but the question remains of how do you ... how do I ...trust God in the midst? How do I not live caught in a spirit of fear?  Of living in a worse case scenario imagining? Of expecting the worse? I don't want to be caught like I was today, imagining the most awful of situations to happen.  I don't want to live life with panic welling up in me when I feel out of control and afraid for those I love.  How do I live with trust and full assurance in my God who I know loves me, and loves those around me, when I know first hand bad stuff can and does happens? I cling to the promises that all things work together for good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purposes. I know this to be true. Yet today I didn't do a good job of trusting God. I let fear and panic overwhelm me.  Pray I cling close to my Lord, and am held by Him. Pray for peace in the midst of chaos. Pray for trust in my sovereign God in the midst of suffering. Pray I'd not live in a spirit of fear, but in one of trust, joy and full assurance in my God who loves me. 

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise- in God I trust and am not afraid. - Psalm 56:3-4

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self- control. 2 Timothy 1:7

One month

How is it possible that it has already been one month? One month since I held your hand. One month since I heard your laugh. One month since I saw your smiling face. One month since I fell into your bear hug and felt safe. One month since the world made sense. An eternity and a moment all at the same time.

The Lord is near to the broken-hearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

Sandcastles

We did it! Nerves were high and excitement was low, but we managed to make it to Sandcastles for the first time. And we survived. We started with eating pizza all together. It is funny to make connections with people you are meeting for the first time. One of the volunteers lives in the sub across the street from us! The kids split off from the adults into groups by age. The girls did an activity using the giant Jenga blocks, and Caleb did a parachute activity with stuffed animals. I'm sure there was some kind of learning thing with it but the only thing they came away with at this point was, "Every other kid in our group had their dad die too." I came away with their same thing. No great insight or lesson, but maybe a sense of not quite being the only one. And for now, that will do. 

The major downside- we didn't get home until 8:45pm. By the time bedtime routine happened and kids were in bed it was 10pm. 😖  Tomorrow morning is going to be rough!