Juxtaposition

The last 48 hours are full of tears and angst, sunshine and walks, worry and distress. Such juxtaposition. Two things side by side. So different. We enjoyed every minute of the warm weather and sunshine, taking walks, rollerblading, jumping on the trampoline. Yet, the grief overshadowed the joy with such force that it left us all sobbing as we closed the night. Caleb, my boy who has prided himself on holding back the tears finally broke. I may have pushed a bit for it. Between just leaving Sandcastles and the girls being in a mood of sharing daddy memories that they miss most, he finally caved in a riotous burst of sobs that lasted long into the night. The holding back, holding together finally broke.... It is such a balance between letting him grieve in his own way, but also knowing that hiding and burying the grief and sadness too long builds and festers until it overwhelms.  I know that the tears must come, that the leaning into the grief brings eventually healing. And yet when you're six and the lies that boys must be strong and not cry have already seeped into your mind and heart, it is so hard to be the boy mourning with tears flowing.  The precarious balance between seeking to find joy in each day while also leaning into the grief that also hits anew each morning and nigh is one that takes my breath away.

 Oh Lord comfort my children; be their refuge and strength. Bring the precious healing that only you can provide. Hold my children in your hands, and when the night is darkest and the despair is deepest bring hope and light.

I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whose I trust. - psalm 91:2