family time

This weekend the kids and I went to see Josh's family. The three hour drive about did me in as I missed one of the interchanges and ended up miles out of my way trying to figure out how to get back on the correct highway. But other than that hiccup it was a pretty great weekend. The kids loved the cuddles, playing with cousins, and horses. I love the fellowship, food, and laughter. There were tears too. How do you not shed some tears when there is a giant Josh sized hole missing.  Every trip included him forever; how do you not look around and see his absence at every turn. And yet, there was lots and lots of good memories too; memories that bring a smile and tear at the same time. And as I worshipped God with his parents on either side I could only think of how much Josh would have loved to be there too. How much he would have loved to be there the whole weekend, being part of the commotion and laughter and worshipping God together. We are beyond spoiled and blessed with amazing families, full of love and laughter. I praise God for this blessing he has given us in them. It really was a wonderful weekend.

And yet the drive back was excruciatingly hard as 'the lasts' surfaced all too real. The not so good memories of driving home on a Monday morning just 7 weeks ago. A lifetime and yet a moment ago. Same drive, same time leaving and yet I drive now instead of him. I think of our conversations the last drive. How I regret choosing a nap instead of a longer chat that day.  I wrestle to bring forth every comment made. I see him sipping his Gatorade and fiddling with his earbuds as he listened to a show. I hear him comment on the weekend and shift to straighten his leg as it gets stiff.  I unload the car so that he can watch the Western game and relax, but now I unload the car with a glance toward the living room desperately wishing I could see him even one more time. Oh how I miss him. And so I cry 'God help me, help me, help me' over and over again praying He'd hear my cry and help in ways I can't describe or imagine.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. Romans 6:26