Straws and camel backs

Today was rough... and about a hundred straws broke this camels back.   I don't know if it was a grief day, just a funk, a combination of one frustration after another, or even more likely a combination of all of the above. Up until this point I have kept us rather scheduled. Today I had a wide open day. I realize once again that we do need to have at least one thing that we do to keep sane. It was a not a great afternoon between the LONG day home and then finding out that I had lost our passports (not sure if they are hanging out in Detroit on some random airline, or just somewhere around the house).  Yet another reminder that I have lost my ever lovin' mind- stupid grief brain!  I may have cried out in the basement at some point while hiding from the kids, "THIS IS NOT MY LIFE!" Yes, it was that pathetic. By the grace of God, I finally got my hot mess under control and thankfully headed to a friends. This gave some blessed relief.... until the phone call from the renter about the AC not working and the screen door needing replacing and the dryer leaving mark on her clothes- UGH! And the stress meter just flew through the roof again as I cried out in frustration and started begging once again for help........
And then I stopped and realized how blessed I am that I have people that love me and I can call to for help. I realized that passports are replaceable (pray that they aren't in someone else's hands!). Plans are reworkable. And God is still holding us in the palm of his hand. Thank you Jesus.

"See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands" Isaiah 49:16

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, "My refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust". For he will deliver you with his pinion, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and a buckler. You will not fear the terror of the night,nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the destruction that wastes at noonday. -Psalm 91

lazy summer days

You don't quite realize the ease of having a partner until you no longer have one. It's in these days of summer that it really sticks out to me. It's in these dayse that we spent the most time with Josh. A partner provides the person you can always rely on to answer the phone when you call and chat about nothing. A partner provides the person who shows up every day. A partner provides the voice of reason when you're losing it. The hug when your sad. The smile at the end of a long day. The mere presence of a love. Geez I miss him so much.... especially on these lazy summer days.

Father's Day`

We survived. We started with going to pick up flowers before visiting the cemetery. The kids picked out yellow roses tinged with red/orange on the tips.  We spent quite a while working out the debacle of cutting the flowers to the correct length, picking out the kids favorite flower holder, and figuring out where we wanted to put them. The kids were all business at this point.  And then the goofiness started. I love how kids can find ways to have fun, play and have joy even in the worst of circumstances.  One minute they are serious, and the next they are playing leap frog over the grave. They were legit long jumping Josh's plot. I was cracking up.  Even now they find a way to play with their father.  :) Five minutes later everyone else left and the kids and I just bawled.
We headed to my parents' house to swim and hang out with family.  The kids and I swam and enjoyed the delightfully warm pool water. The kids spent hours being tossed in the air by uncles, practicing their diving board skills, and swimming laps. They had a wonderful time playing and having fun. I am thankful for the joy in the midst of the sorrow. In all reality we were beyond blessed. Josh was an incredible father to our children. He was loving and patient beyond belief. He showed them his commitment to Christ. He spent time with them and invested in their lives.  He loved them well. That is a legacy that my children will have forever, even though it was far too short.

Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.
Proverbs 22:6

Anticipation

Wow, how much I have dreaded this weekend. UGH! I keep telling myself that the anticipation is typically worse than the actual day, but even with that I am still dreading Father's Day. All these holidays are good. I love celebrating dads and a day to celebrate dads is beautiful and good. We are surrounded by incredible dads and am so blessed to have their influence in my children's lives. I praise God for this blessing.

 In summary though, this Father's Day just really sucks. My heart is breaking as I think about my babies without their father. Watching my kiddos suffer and grieve is horrid. Dear Lord Jesus grant comfort to my kiddos. Remind them they have a Father in you. 

 Sing to God, sing in praise of his name, extol him who rides on the cloud; rejoice before him- his name is the Lord. A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. Psalm 68:4-5

Schools out for summer? Not quite yet.

I think I got a bit overzealous because while the kids are definitely out for summer, I am still limping along for these last few days of work. To say that my emotional and mental reserves are spent is the understatement of the century. I NEED A BREAK! The challenge is that going straight into 24-7 parenting and refereeing 3 kids who are also grieving and struggling to adjust to this new normal isn't exactly restful. We are all struggling, surviving, and walking with grief in different ways.  This makes things very challenging as when each one of us is having a bad grief day varies and sometimes collides with a bang. How we each deal with it differs too, which adds its own dimension of difficulty. Praying God would help us all through these coming weeks and that we would be able to rest, grieve and find new life together.

Behold I am doing a new thing;
    now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
    and rivers in the desert.
                           Isaiah 43:19

Schools out for summer!

Schools out for summer! YAY!!! While part of me is terrified of what the unstructured life of summer will bring, but at this point the main feeling is just pure relief that I don't have to pack another lunch, sign off on another planner, or race to get them to and from school on time. We need a break!!! I need a break even from the job that I love so much. I managed surprisingly well for months at work. It was a relief in some ways to pour into others and not deal with my own life issues for a brief bit. However, the grief is catching up with me and my emotional reserves are tapped out. One cross email from a parent and I am in tears. A couple normal phone calls in a row from parents leave me stressed out because what was once easy to balance now feels just totally overwhelming. Focusing is near impossible for an extended period of time. Yes. Yes, it is time for summer. Thank you God for the respite that summer vacation provides.

The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand. THe sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night. Psalm 121:5-6

anger

I realized I haven't written in awhile. Partly due to crazy end of the year stuff that all just piles up, and partly due to struggling to have any motivation to even think about writing. Last week Wednesday started out a week of anxiety, depression and anger that just wouldn't let up. Only yesterday did I feel the claws of it begin to release.  Up till now I hadn't really felt much anger so it suprised me to have it overwhelm me so suddenly. Why did God take Josh? It isn't supposed to be this way. My life isn't supposed to be this way. My kids should have a daddy. I should have my husband. His parents should have their son. It's not right. How does God promise good for those who love him and yet how is this good? God and I had more than one blow out fight over the last week with me doing more of the yelling and sobbing, and him just being. I appreciate the being, the constancy of God. That unlike me, he doesn't change his mind on a whim, or suddenly stop loving or caring for me.  He is faithful and trustworthy.

Hear my prayer, O Lord. Give ear to my supplications! sewer me in your faithfulness, in your righteousness! Psalm 143:1