I realized I haven't written in awhile. Partly due to crazy end of the year stuff that all just piles up, and partly due to struggling to have any motivation to even think about writing. Last week Wednesday started out a week of anxiety, depression and anger that just wouldn't let up. Only yesterday did I feel the claws of it begin to release. Up till now I hadn't really felt much anger so it suprised me to have it overwhelm me so suddenly. Why did God take Josh? It isn't supposed to be this way. My life isn't supposed to be this way. My kids should have a daddy. I should have my husband. His parents should have their son. It's not right. How does God promise good for those who love him and yet how is this good? God and I had more than one blow out fight over the last week with me doing more of the yelling and sobbing, and him just being. I appreciate the being, the constancy of God. That unlike me, he doesn't change his mind on a whim, or suddenly stop loving or caring for me. He is faithful and trustworthy.
Hear my prayer, O Lord. Give ear to my supplications! sewer me in your faithfulness, in your righteousness! Psalm 143:1
He is constant. Even when we are not. Thank you God! Praying for God to work victories in you as you come to Him.
ReplyDeleteIt's not fair, and it's not 'good' that josh is gone. But God is good. He hears you and will be with you through the hurt and loneliness and He can handle your anger and your questions.
ReplyDeleteWalking with us in our suffering is his pleasure. He counts our tears, and what parent doesn't draw near to their child when it is hurt.
ReplyDeleteHe asks us, will you walk with me in my suffering? Does God suffer? If he does, do we care to comfort him?
If you want comfort and consolation then give it, first to him and then to others.