I’m in hiding. After three weeks straight of incredible anguish, grief and depression, I am hiding. Hiding from emotions, thoughts, memories, and feelings. The upside is that I get a brief reprieve from the stabbing grief. The downside is that it make all the good moment seem dull too. However, for the moment I will take it. December has been awful. I thought Josh’s birthday was going to be similar to other big days, horrible anticipatory grief leading up the day with a surprisingly ok day on the day of. Unfortunately, December 8 and all the weeks around it was the worse yet. In all reality we had an ok day. Josh’s mom came and visited for the day. The kids and I played hooky from school (there was NO way that we would have made it through a school day). We made Josh’s favorite spicy molasses cookies. We went and put the grave blanket on at the cemetary. It was so pretty with blue and silver ribbon that the kids picked out in Lion’s colors. My sister did a great job making it. The kids wrote happy birthday cards to Josh and we tied them to helium balloons to let go at the cemetery. Family came over for Josh’s favorite pizza dinner and we talked and visited. Overall it was a fine day. Except for the fact that we were all so buried in grief our eyes could barely open properly from the crying. Except for the grief that left us all with little patience or grace for each other. Except for the missing that left us all with a giant hole in our hearts. It was a fine day except for the fact we were celebrating a birthday that never came. December 8 came and went and Josh never turned a year older, would never be 37, was not there to celebrate with us. And for this reason, it left us in pieces.
And now after three weeks of hell, I am trying desperately to hide ... it’s not quite working but I am trying.
I call on you, my God for you will answer me; turn your ear to me and hear my prayer....hide me in the shadow of your wings. Psalm 17:6-8
He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. Psalm 91:4
I'm so sorry kelly. I have no great words of wisdom to share, but know that you and your children have been in.my prayers constantly lately. I know this month is awful and I pray every day that God would show you his love, give you hope, and fill you with strength to get through one more day. We've prayed so much that now, when I ask the kids for prayer requests, Caroline regularly mentions you first! You are in our minds and in our hearts. And you are in the hands of our Creator. Love you Kelly!
ReplyDelete