Hiding

I’m in hiding. After three weeks straight of incredible anguish, grief and depression, I am hiding. Hiding from emotions, thoughts, memories, and feelings. The upside is that I get a brief reprieve from the stabbing grief. The downside is that it make all the good moment seem dull too. However, for the moment I will take it. December has been awful. I thought Josh’s birthday was going to be similar to other big days, horrible anticipatory grief leading up the day with a surprisingly ok day on the day of. Unfortunately, December 8 and all the weeks around it was the worse yet.  In all reality we had an ok day. Josh’s mom came and visited for the day. The kids and I played hooky from school (there was NO way that we would have made it through a school day). We made Josh’s favorite spicy molasses cookies. We went and put the grave blanket on at the cemetary.  It was so pretty with blue and silver ribbon that the kids picked out in Lion’s colors.  My sister did a great job making it. The kids wrote happy birthday cards to Josh and we tied them to helium balloons to let go at the cemetery. Family came over for Josh’s favorite pizza dinner and we talked and visited. Overall it was a fine day. Except for the fact that we were all so buried in grief our eyes could barely open properly from the crying. Except for the grief that left us all with little patience or grace for each other. Except for the missing that left us all with a giant hole in our hearts. It was a fine day except for the fact we were celebrating a birthday that never came. December 8 came and went and Josh never turned a year older, would never be 37, was not there to celebrate with us. And for this reason, it left us in pieces.
And now after three weeks of hell, I am trying desperately to hide ... it’s not quite working but I am trying.

I call on you, my God for you will answer me; turn your ear to me and hear my prayer....hide me in the shadow of your wings. Psalm 17:6-8

He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. Psalm 91:4

Thanks

I realized that yesterday was the first day that I can remember where I had a giant to do list and instead of just plugging away on it like normal, I hid. As in I did none of it and hid in my office and then literally under my blankets in bed rather than face any of it. Thankfully my mom was there to pick up the kids and get them started on stuff. I, however, was a hot mess.

However, today I was blessed beyond measure once again by the friends and family that God has placed in my life to fill in the gap.  I wish I could say I humbled myself and asked for help. But instead in a "I'm drowning and need a life raft" type of way I threw out my to do list in at group text not really expecting anything but a sympathetic ear, and instead I got the calvary. They showed up in both big and and small ways:  making Caleb's birthday treat cupcakes, wrapping all his gifts, helping me pack, volunteering to pick up the kids, bringing Caleb to cubscouts, making me smile, and even bringing me dinner after I forgot to eat anything but chips and salsa this evening. I am so blessed by friends and family that fill the giant gaping hole. Thank you my God for these that show me such bountiful love.

All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God. - 2 Corinthians 4:15