Grief sucks

Grief sucks. You will be going along, doing ok and then suddenly you get sucker punched out of nowhere.  Last night and today have been awful. Last night I passed out on the couch by 8pm exhausted and totally irritated to my very soul for no good reason. Of course, that was followed up with my usual 4am wake up that led to ordering 300 + pictures of Josh and crying like a baby looking through each one. By the time I finished and was calm enough to go back to sleep it was 6am.  Therefore, no 7am walk and no easy Saturday morning. We all slept through our alarms and didn’t wake up until 15 minutes before Caleb’s basketball game. Whoops!  Not the best way to start the day. I am thankful that I was able to spend some time reading my Bible, doing a stretching workout it video, and listening to music once we got back from basketball. I am still a grumpy, irritable, and liable to burst out into tears any moment mess, but at least it gave me a mini- reset. Tonight we are going to a friend’s birthday party and I am praying that I can escape from the grief wave for at least a few hours. Grief waves suck. They hit you out of nowhere, take your feet right out from underneath you and leave you breathless, drowning and praying for air.

I was doing well for awhile with sleeping all night.  The last month or so I am back to my usual 4am wake ups. Along with the obvious grief stuff, I know so much of it is due to anxiety and unresolved issues that I can’t really do anything about at this time. During the day I pray and talk to God and do ok, but it’s so much harder at night. The hard part is that I then start the next day tired and the cycle just continues. Sometimes life just feels so overwhelming. The million books, grief groups and counselor insight tells me that this is normal for the second year: the whole reality really setting in, realizing the full weight of the responsibility of life without Josh, the natural lessening support as I can handle more, and issues that we just glossed over for the last year that are rearing their ugly head again. Parenting suddenly seems soooooo hard. Discipline, boudaries, school work and routines. I am dropping the ball left and right. I feel like I make one step forward in one thing and then three back in some other area of life. I actually started meal planning again a few weeks ago, but then keeping track of permission slips and forms goes out the window.  All this to say, I am working on resetting that joy goal for 2018, or should I say, that I am praying God grants me joy in the midst of the present hard. Hey, at least we are doing better than we were a year ago when every day was a HORRIBLE grief day.

My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials.” James 1:2

I found the following that I posted about a year ago. A great reminder.

Read this today. It reflected the cry of my heart so well that I want to always remember it and have a record of it to look back on.

"Instead of listening to the noise of your worries, listen to the voice of the Lord. We are not to let our joy come from our circumstances, because circumstances change.

The Lord remains the same. The Lord remains loyal, omnipotent, and loving. Allow your joy to come from Christ. Be still, stop paying attention to the storm.

He has already proved that He can calm any storm. Sometimes God allows trials so you can learn to be more dependent on Him. God is saying, “I’m in control.

I can do all things. Stop fearing and trust in me instead.” When your thoughts are running rampant, don’t seek temporary help by watching TV, going on the internet, etc.

Go find a lonely place. A place with no noise. When you stop and focus on the beauty of Christ, you will receive the peace that He has promised you. When you cry out to Him in prayer you will feel His comfort.

Be still and relax in the Lord. He is in control. Remember the times that He has helped you, other believers, and people in Scripture. God promises to help you and never leave you. Talk to Him, trust in Him, be still, and you will hear His calming voice and rest upon His strength."
-post from St Paul Pontiac's page