Parenting is hard. Parenting without Josh feels like an overwhelming weight I cannot bear. There are so many times already in a years time that I think, this isn’t my job. This part is Josh’s job. He isn’t here to do his job. So I am left to do it alone. And I am mad. Overwhelmingly furiously angry. I don’t want to do this without Josh. I am mad there is no one else that loves or knows my children the way a parent knows and loves their child here to parent or make decisions or discipline or love them. I hate parenting alone. I already second guess everything I do and now I don’t have my other half to figure it out together.
I am angry that our future, our dreams, our life that we had and had planned is all gone in an instant. So much of my life is in a moment adrift. I want my husband who dreamed and walked life along with me here. I miss his smile, his laugh, his calm logic, his hugs, his talking me off the ledge, his firm discipline, his love. The ache to have him here feels like it is ripping my heart in two. This week has been awful, buried under a suffocating blanket of grief. My soul is downcast and my heart is troubled with worries about my children, our future, our present. Pray for us.
Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. Psalm 43:5
Put your hope in Him and praise Him! Such good verses.
ReplyDeleteMy mom shared this one with me the other day Habakkuk 3:17-19. The Lord is your strength and makes your feet climb the heights.
Catching up here. I just started writing down verses that feel like they are physically lifting me, hugging me, or filling me. This is a recent one, and goes along with Anne's!
ReplyDeleteFrom the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
Psalm 61:2 NIV
Despite your overwhelming feelings, you are not alone. Love you, friend.
Oh, my soul
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone
There's a place where fear has to face the God you know
One more day, He will make a way
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down
'Cause you're not alone.
Love you Kelly, praying for you in this!