grace

I haven't posted for awhile and each day I plan on it and then the day is over and I am too exhausted to do anything but climb into bed and close my eyes for the night. I keep thinking I will have more time tomorrow... more time to rest, to read, to spent with God, to walk, to spend quality time with the kids, and then the day is over and I'm lucky to do 1 if not two things on the list. I know this back to school season of life is always busy and part of it is just getting through this initial crazy busyness, but I have been struggling with how overwhelming it has been this year. I just keep thinking it will get easier. And then I read a blog post recently from a widow...

"A few summers ago, wrangling the schedule with kids as a new single parent, I remember telling my sister that as soon as I got through the next round of events, life would level out. Surely once the crisis was over, life would return to the full but manageable pace we'd had.

My wise sister stopped me. "Lisa? I think this is your new pace."

Thunk. As soon as she said them, the truth of her words hit home. I'd been kidding myself. How could one doing what two had been doing ever look the same? My expectations shifted- a healthy first step in finding a new rhythm. And after six years, while I've gotten used to the pace, I've no where near mastered it."  - Lisa Appelo

OUCH! The truth of those words hit me like a ton of bricks. While I am soooo blessed with friends and family that help me so much in so many ways, it will never be Josh. And geez I miss him for so many reasons and ways that I can't even begin to explain.

The reality is that the pace of life will never be the same. "How could one doing what two had been doing ever look the same?" It can't.  So with a deep breath I lean on friends and family to fill in those gaps where I fail.  With a prayer I ask for grace where I fall short. And fall short I do on a daily basis. Failing repeatedly each day in what I used to do easily frustrates me to no end. So hard to have grace with myself when I feel like I'm constantly letting others and myself down. I praise God that he shows us boundless grace even though we so little deserve it.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast. Ephesians 2:8-9

A break in the crazy

Who has time to grieve when we are running around at a million miles an hour trying desperately to keep everything straight with the million activities always happening?! Not I that is for sure! And then it hits as I walk by the girls room and hear the soft sobbing of little girls missing their daddy. Oh how it breaks my heart in two. So for a moment we break from the craziness to mourn and remember the daddy who loved us. We share memories and sorrows and good times and bad times. Our hearts break and yet heal as we cry, mourn and laugh together. Oh Lord heal our broken hearts.

The Lord is near to the broken-hearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18