One year

We made it through the holidays.... Christmas, New Years Eve New Years. I praise God that even in the midst of the sorrow of missing Josh there was also joy. Isn’t that great!? There is a wonderful grace-from-God joy that comes from celebrating Jesus, and time spent with family and friends.  The kids’ excitement, expectation, and joy is contagious.  Their excitement got us all through Christmas. Even that long and lonely Christmas Eve night as I wrapped last presents and set up the Christmas morning scene with tears flowing, I had some semblance of peace, comfort and joy at the expectation that the next morning would bring joy to my children. For while everything we did and experienced was blanketed in a fog of grief, the joy did peak through. The kids even suprised me at times. On New Years Eve we went to a friend’s house but left early at their request. There is fun in visiting friends, but they were just emotionally exhausted.  Yet when we got home they wanted to ring in the New Year together so we stayed up all cuddled on the couch until midnight.  They, as always, loved the count down and while our night ended within minutes as they all rolled over and fell asleep on the couch, they found a way to bring expectation and joy into a New Year.  For this unexpected joy that God graced us with this season, I am eternally grateful.
And yet today is one year. A year ago today I held the hand of the man I love for the last time. And the horror of that day is haunting for us all. I have a little man in my bed who didn’t make it through the night without tears and needing comfort... and for this night he did get to cuddle with his momma through the wee hours for our hearts ache with the grief of missing our love. I am grateful we have a day of distraction, cuddling and friends planned. The excitement of a trip and being in a new place has helped thus far. While clearly just a bandaid, sometimes the distraction is needed for the weight of this grief so often threatens to suffocate. I’m praying for the grace to make it through and God’s comfort to surround in the midst for we cling to Him.

You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word. Psalm 119:114

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you s the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.  John 14:27

Hiding

I’m in hiding. After three weeks straight of incredible anguish, grief and depression, I am hiding. Hiding from emotions, thoughts, memories, and feelings. The upside is that I get a brief reprieve from the stabbing grief. The downside is that it make all the good moment seem dull too. However, for the moment I will take it. December has been awful. I thought Josh’s birthday was going to be similar to other big days, horrible anticipatory grief leading up the day with a surprisingly ok day on the day of. Unfortunately, December 8 and all the weeks around it was the worse yet.  In all reality we had an ok day. Josh’s mom came and visited for the day. The kids and I played hooky from school (there was NO way that we would have made it through a school day). We made Josh’s favorite spicy molasses cookies. We went and put the grave blanket on at the cemetary.  It was so pretty with blue and silver ribbon that the kids picked out in Lion’s colors.  My sister did a great job making it. The kids wrote happy birthday cards to Josh and we tied them to helium balloons to let go at the cemetery. Family came over for Josh’s favorite pizza dinner and we talked and visited. Overall it was a fine day. Except for the fact that we were all so buried in grief our eyes could barely open properly from the crying. Except for the grief that left us all with little patience or grace for each other. Except for the missing that left us all with a giant hole in our hearts. It was a fine day except for the fact we were celebrating a birthday that never came. December 8 came and went and Josh never turned a year older, would never be 37, was not there to celebrate with us. And for this reason, it left us in pieces.
And now after three weeks of hell, I am trying desperately to hide ... it’s not quite working but I am trying.

I call on you, my God for you will answer me; turn your ear to me and hear my prayer....hide me in the shadow of your wings. Psalm 17:6-8

He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. Psalm 91:4

Sharp edges

How can a heart break over and over again. I don’t know how many nights 4am wakes me up feeling like my soul is being ripped in two.... too many to count. With Josh’s birthday in two days, Christmas quickly approaching and January 2 coming all too soon, the grief overwhelms each night and day. The nights with tears and the days with a haze from lack of sleep and beary eyes. I cringe at my lack of productivity this year in all areas of life: work, Girl Scouts, working with my children on school work, taking care of the house, spending quality time with my children, church..... this list just goes on and on. I try, but I just can’t do it. I am letting so many down. I feel like my whole life has been engulfed in grief and its reach leaves nothing untouched. This week has been the worst yet, which shouldn’t be a surprise.  I can barely function. The ache and pain that has been present this whole year is pierced by a pain that leaves me breathless with its sharpness. So ironic that as I approach one year, I would hope I would have some healing evident and yet I feel worse now than I ever have. Oh Lord I miss him so much. Surround us with your healing, comfort  and love, for you alone can truly provide it.

I found this song that made me both cry and smile a bit. It talks about Christmas without a loved one. Love the perspective of Josh with the son of God, the one we are celebrating during this time of year. If you’d like to hear the song by Craig Aven called “Son of God” click the link below to YouTube.

https://youtu.be/f3browtvP7k

John 14:1 -3  ““Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me.   My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?   And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.”

Romans 15:13  “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

10 years old

Ten years ago today, Josh and I welcomed two baby girls into the world. We had not found out their gender so it was quite the suprise when we found out that we had two baby girls. Oh the joy and love that we instantly had for those precious little ones. I think now of how much they have grown and matured in the last ten years. They are so similar in some ways and so different in others. My Grace, the eldest born through and through even though it is only by two minutes.  She is definitely my rule-follower, quick to fall into line and make sure everyone else is too. She loves to read, has such a quick memory like her daddy and is crazy smart. She is loyal, trustworthy and reliable. She is so responsible. She is a kind friend and takes care of those around her.  And then I have my Kayleigh, full of fun and adventure. She definitely has her daddy’s competitive streak.  She is so creative, always coming up with a fun activity or game, thinking she has the skills of a ninja warrior. A creative writer and so good artistic, her voice shines through her craft. She is kind and compassionate. Together they are a set of princess cat warriors, always pretending and playing. They are obsessed with cats and horses, begging daily to get one of each. Beautiful inside and out, they care for little ones like they are their own, mommying their cousins with love. They are smart and helpful. Beyond all that, they love the Lord and are resilient beyond my wildest dreams.  It takes my breath away thinking about how proud their daddy would be of them right now. They look to the Lord to be their strength and comfort, pointing me as well as others to look to the Lord and have joy in this day.   Please pray that my children continue to cling to the Lord as their comfort and strength.

I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth. 3 John 1:4

Widow rules

Widow rules. Everybody has them in some way or another. I even find I have them for myself. This often unspoken, not discussed set of rules that oftentimes we don’t even realize we have until they are broken. Even the best intentioned seem to have them somewhere. The problem is that they are like dodge ‘em.  At grief share this week, the widows shared some of the juxtaposing rules they have been told.

-You shouldn’t spend all day crying in your room.
- Wow, she’s going on vacation already.

- You can’t cry at work. You need to be professional.
 - You keep it together so well at work. You must be bottling it up. You should let it out.

-You need to take down all the pictures. It makes everyone sad to see him.

-Why would she take down her wedding picture?

-Why aren’t you around as much? You need to get out more.
- She goes out every Saturday like nothing has even happen. Must be nice.

- When are you going to be ready to date?
-Wow, you’re dating already?

- I can’t believe she can still live in the house where her husband died.
- I don’t know how she could so quickly leave the house she brought her babies home to. 

Who knew there were so many opinions on how to grieve and live as a widow!?!  And no, not all of these were spoken to me, but they were all spoken to at least one of my grieving family and widow friends. Anyone who is grieving gets at least some of these.  Half the time you have no clue you are breaking these sometimes spoken but oftentimes unspoken rules. Add to that they extra challenge that each person seems to have a different set of these rules, and I am pretty much up a creek without a paddle.  

 And sure, many are there to try to protect the grieving:

-Don’t make big financial decisions for at least one year.

-Don’t change jobs for at least a year.

-Don’t move for at least a year.

-Don’t marry for at least a year.
-Don’t do anything big for at least a year. 

  All rules that are there to try to protect us who are grieving. I get it. At the same time it can feel like a vice around living life. It makes me doubt every decision I make, like my brain is broken and suddenly I am impaired. It makes me question constantly if I’m doing grief right. And what is with one year? Is my brain impaired beyond use at ten months, but then suddenly comes back to full functioning when we hit the magician year mark?! Or that suddenly at one year we are perfectly fine and back to normal and “over it”? And don’t get me wrong, I have been AMAZINGLY blessed with supportive and loving family and friends. After hearing some of the the things that my other widow friends have been told, I count myself one of the lucky ones. I don’t hear even a tenth of these things. And I am sure that at times I am projecting what I assume others are thinking when they make certain comments. And even then, I get there is a reason for many of these ‘rules’. 

 In many ways I understand the rules. There is a fear and projection that naturally goes on when someone loses a loved one to imagine what we would do if we were in that situation. On one hand we don’t want our loved ones to be sad forever so we want them to move forward. Yet, we don’t want to think that there is any love like ours or that we can just move on easily. The truth is that there is no moving on.  Life is forever altered. Yes, we walk forward. We have to walk forward, we have to chose joy, we have to choose life or else we will die while we yet live. Yet nothing can replace the man I married and loved for 12 years. Nothing can replicate the feeling of being small and safe and loved that my children experienced every time they crawled up into his lap or swung from his arms. Nothing can fill the void left when it is that large. We grieve this loss in the best way we know how. We cling to the Lord praying he will hold us in the midst and fill the giant void that is left. 

I have lived 10 months trying to not break these widow rules. Trying to grieve the right way.  Asking everyone’s opinion of everything. Second guessing everything I do. Fretting and worrying about accidentally breaking one. Wondering if I am grieving right. And even while desperately trying to keep them all I managed to break them. I am done. Is my life and brain still greatly impacted by the loss of Josh. YES!  Yes, I can’t remember names. Yes, I forget things constantly. Yes, I get overwhelmed by even the simple task of taking my dog to the vet.  Yet, we are surviving. I deal with these things as they come. I ask for help when I need it and accept it  with thanks when it’s offered. I say no when it’s too much. I take care of my children. I seek wise counsel. And oh how I pray for God’s grace and wisdom daily. I make decisions for my family daily to the best of my ability.  And when its all too much I go outside and run and pray and seek the Lord some more. All that to say, trust me to grieve the best way for us. Trust me to make decisions that are the best for my family and I. Trust the Lord to guide our steps to what he has planned for us.

For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 

A Father’s note

Every year in third grade the students receive a Bible from the school that is presented from their parents. Each parent writes a special note to their child in the front of the Bible and prays over their child during the chapel service. I praise God for the blessing that has been to my girls. They each have a handwritten note from their father to them specifically noting who they are in his eyes, how much he loves them and his desire to have them know and love the Lord. This is a gift that is irreplaceable. It honestly scares me that they keep it all day at school since it the greatest treasure they have, and yet I love that they can open their Bible at school any time and read the love both their Heavenly Father and daddy had for them in their Words.

In the same way, my heart breaks that Caleb does not have that. He has no special note written to him. He was loved, but oh how I wish I had something for Caleb that would be written just for him from his daddy.  Please go home and write a note to your child telling them how much you love them, what you see in them, what you pray for them. They need those notes. No one ever knows how much a note from you to your child may mean to them one day. I do know for my girls it is the greatest treasure their daddy left.   

   How great is the love the Father has lavished on us that we should be called children of God. 1 John 3:!

Nine months .... and children

Today its been 9 months since Josh died. It sometimes surprises me what hits hard. For some reason this 9 month mark has hit harder than most. It probably didn’t help that today my facebook feed popped up with pictures of Josh and I very pregnant ten years ago at our baby shower for the girls. Ten years!! How is that even possible?! How does time go so quickly and slowly all at the same time.

Well, definitely fell asleep before finishing the above post.... So fast forward a day and I need to brag on how incredible my kids are. The kids beat me home off the bus today. I came home to dinner on the table. They had made a meat and cheese cracker tray, Mac and cheese, and my favorite which was apples cut up in a bowl in the shape of a flower with the peanut butter in middle. The table was set and they were so excited to surprise me. They even led us in prayer to start dinner. Be still my heart!  Each morning they independently get themselves up, dressed, teeth brushed without me even having to ask or direct any of it. Half the time I am finishing up my morning walk or in the shower getting ready myself. They pack their lunches each night. They complete their homework by themselves and rarely do I have to follow up to see if it is done. They do three chores each Saturday that include cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming, folding laundry, etc. They eagerly seek to take communion and ask me daily the tough questions to discuss.They are amazing and I praise God that he has blessed me so. And then I weep because they shouldn’t have to do all this at 7 and 9. And they wouldn’t be if Josh was alive. Yet, I’m so proud of how much they have grown and risen to the challenges of life. They are learning skills and growing in independence in ways  that I see teens and adults even struggle to accomplish. I love seeing them see needs and care for each other and others. And yes they are kids like any other kids who bicker, fight, whine, crab, and cry. Yet, I am so proud of the young men and women I can see them becoming. I am so proud of how they are growing in their faith daily. Please pray that they continue to grow in their walk with God and in maturing each day.

Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him. Psalm 127:3

On choosing joy

In this season of grief, we have been really challenged daily on our attitude. It is so easy to fall into the poor me, this sucks, life isn’t fair blahs. The kid and I have all been really struggling with this lately. In all reality life feels really hard for all of us right now. Each day there are a hundred reminders of Josh’s absence, and with that even days filled with fun activities can feel hard. It is like there is a shadow cast on even the best adventure. And yes, we smile and laugh and have fun, and yet there is a note of sadness, and grieving, and missing Josh that sneaks into even the most joyous activity. Monday the kids and I went to a Red Wings game with my mom. It was a blast! We ate pizza, explored the awesome new stadium, sang along to every song, and cheered loudly at every game winning goal. Yet darting arrows of always shocking grief hit at even the most enjoyable of times. For as we have such fun, we also glance over and see where Josh would have sat with his knees up to his chin with the tight leg room, see where he’d have sat with Caleb plopped on his lap, and see his fist bump when they scored each goal. How do we go to any game and not see him as if he’s there when he’s the man who LOVED sporting events?  And so the shadow of what was and what is no longer casts its long shadow over everything we do. Shadows... along with darting arrows of sharp, unexpected grief that shock us with its intensity and surprise. With that we mourn and cry, and put on brave faces and smile in the midst.

And yet, it’s hard to choose joy when there are both the long shadows and unexpected darting arrows of grief that suprise at every turn. So often we want to stomp and pout and rail against God. We want to dwell in the negative of life that surrounds us. And while I definitely do that on MANY occasions, I can’t stay in that, live in that, be that. For I do not want myself, nor my children to live in the negative. While we cannot choose circumstances that happen to us, we can choose our response to those circumstances. I can’t make the reality that Josh died go away. It happened and it hurts us more than words can ever express. On top of that, each day there are crappy things that happen between upset parents at work, bickering children, accidental food prep order, and misunderstandings with loved ones. According to my kids their low point was not getting to play the game they wanted to play at recess and having to take the bus. Yet, we have a choice on how to respond to each days troubles. Complain and focus on the bad or choose to go through life looking for the positives and blessing in each day. The simplicity of a choice that has such a profound impact on every day life. I choose joy. With a choice to look for the blessings and positive,  I can see how God so abundantly blesses us each day. Today’s blessings include having an evening free to go rollerblading at the park with the kids, having a meal ready to be cooked in the fridge, and getting a moment to talk to a family member. The kids got to thank God for the time to play on the playground and rollerblade at the park, get their homework done on the bus, and spend time together.  Oh the blessings God gives us each day if only we take a moment to look for them daily.

And do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength. - Nehemiah 8:10b

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. - 1 Thessalonians 16:18

Recovery

The school year is in full swing and between the tonsil recovery, adjusting to new teachers and expectations, and many back to school nights for both the kids and I, we are focusing on just making it through each day. We were so blessed for a relatively manageable recovery from the tonsillectomy. While the first two days were rough and I was so thankful for the grandmas to show up, by the third day we went up north to the cabin. I was soooo nervous about it, but it worked out great. The distraction of  BB guns, 22s, rope swings, cousins and campfires helped immensely.  While they were in pain the entire time, it wasn't nearly as horrible as nighttime or sitting at school. I am so thankful for grandmas, aunts, uncles, friends, and God's healing!
I am thankful that we are finally starting to seem to get into the swing of things and have some routine. The last two weeks have been really tough adjusting to the busyiness and new schedules. The kids at school seem to be extra needy lately, which has been an extra stressor. I am thankful though that each day seems to be less stressful and more manageable.