Today

Today I went to BSF. I do love BSF. There is no better way to start the morning than studying God's Word with others. We were studying the passage in John where Jesus washes the disciples' feet. It was compared to when Jesus stepped down from the right hand of God on the throne, took off his robe of obvious glory, and humbled himself by becoming man. I loved the comparison. I can only imagine the shock those men felt as Jesus, their teacher, master, and Lord, took off his robe, knelt before them, and washing their dirty, stinky feet. And to think he even washed Judas's feet, the very man who betrayed him, with such love and compassion. The humility, compassion, and love he showed them and shows us leaves me awed.  Oh how the Lord loves me, undeserving as I am.

Today I managed to go to work and actually get some work done. Yesterday I was there the whole day and can't tell you even one thing I got accomplished. I probably drove Terri nuts by my babbling, wandering and randomness. Seriously though, grief messes with mental processing. I rewrote passes three times before I finally gave up because I kept missing the hour I wrote them for because I'd become sidetracked before I realized the hour was over. Ridiculousness!  So anyways, today was better. I met with students, met with teachers, actually accomplished some semblance of work. Thank you God!

Today the girls started to process some more verbally. We read through a kids book about someone dying. It was actually pretty decent and left blank spots for us to fill in the blank. It did help tremendously with starting conversation. It helps to see what they are thinking and feeling. The misconceptions they may have, and where they are at this moment. Caleb was already in bed; I wish he would have been there to do it with us too.  They are all still really struggling with attending school. They all complain of headaches and stomachaches, lack of concentration and focus, and with having mini grief burst that they desperately try to cover. Pray for them.

Tomorrow we start sandcastles. It is a peer grief support group for children and their caregivers. It has been highly recommended by quite a few people I trust. Pray for us.  I think we are ready but we are also quite nervous about it. It is hard to be vulnerable with perfect strangers. It is hard to trust people to care for my children in a way that is honoring to the Lord and doesn't put false things in their heads and hearts. Pray that the lessons, activities, and conversations with peers and adults align with Scripture and are helpful in all of our healing and growth.

Joshua

How Josh approached the Lord has always been different than I. I love that about the Lord; he meets each one of his children in different ways. I have always had a relatively easy time with the idea of having faith in God.  I can't remember a time I didn't believe in Him and know that he loves me.  Josh on the other hand really struggled for a long time with reconciling what he knew from science and his experience with who God was. When he first started college he really didn't believe in God. He sort of believed there could be a God, but it wasn't a relationship with God. He actually had two friends invite him to InterVarsity Christian Fellowship. Being the laid back, go with the flow Josh, he went at first to play basketball and for the friendships. By the time I really got to know him, he was going to two Bible studies each week, Thursday large group IV meetings, and was reading the Bible regularly. It amazed me that someone could be doing that much each week all while claiming to not believe any of it to be really true - yet. It was so Josh though. He wanted to make sure God was real before he was going to live his life for Him. He was never one to flippantly make a big decision without thoroughly investigating it. Talking about it with him, he just kept saying, "I know that if I follow God, it means I must do it with my whole life, wholeheartedly. I want to know what I am getting myself into before committing." I will never forget the day we all came home from the IV fall conference that we had begged him for weeks to go to with us. We came back and there was Josh with a smile on his face. He just kind of announced, "I believe".  I think he even messaged it before we got home. And that was it. We left and he spent the weekend wrestling with God.  And then he believed.  Oh the power of the Holy Spirit and God's Word never ceases to amaze me.  He kept pursuing God, reading His Word, church, Bible studies, IV.

In all those years since, he was never one for big shows or displays. It was more in the quiet way he pursued God. Taking our children to church each week, actively pursuing going to Bible study, quietly contemplating with me on what he learned through the sermon or Bible that week. His perspective on God and how He worked always was more analytical than mine. He always was bringing up insights I would have never thought of. Oh how I miss our drives back from church or Bible study as we'd talk about how God was working or what he was teaching us. I miss our drives back from Vicksburg as each time we'd pray together for his family. I miss how when I'd get anxious he'd always point me back to trusting in the faithful Lord.  I miss his prayers for our family at dinner and reading the Bible to our kiddos. 

I love that Josh's name is Joshua. Meaning God is my salvation. Joshua, a man in the Bible that served the Lord faithfully.  It is Joshua who gathers all the people of Israel together and says to them, "Now fear the Lord and serve him with all faithfulness. Throw away the gods your ancestors worshipped, and serve the Lord. But if serving the Lord seems undesireable to you, then choose for yourself this day whom you will serve, whether the gods of your ancestors or the gods of the Amorites. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord." Joshua 24:14-15  We may not have gods of our ancestors today, but we do have the worship of ourselves, money, comfort, safety, and so many other things we choose to love instead of God.  I am eternally grateful that my Joshua made the same commitment as the Joshua of old, to serve and love the Lord faithfully. Oh what blessed assurance and comfort that brings.

But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.  

Loving well

Today I was blessed by having my principal speak and students come sing at church. I love hearing my students praise the Lord in song. May the words of their song be the meditation of their hearts all the days of their lives. I love my school, students, and faculty. The Lord has surely blessed me in this way. And yet, as I go back tomorrow for the full week, the sense of adding even just one more thing seems so overwhelming. How to balance work, school, my online class, dinner, extracurriculars, kids and bedtimes.... The list seems endless.  Pray I can love and care for these dear students well.  Pray for enough energy, strength, patience, and love not just to make it through the day, but to have reserves to care for my own dear children when I get home. Even before all of this, I struggled with the emotional and physical energy it takes to care for teens and then have enough to then care well for my children in the evenings. Pray I can love and care for my children well in these weeks and months to come, with Christ's strength.

I lift my eyes up to the mountains- where does my help come from? My help comes from he Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip- he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
Psalm 121:1-4

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. For when I am weak,then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9

I can do all things through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13

Sleep

A hour after bedtime. The heartrendering sound of hiccuping sobs sneaking through the doors into my room. Not knowing which room it comes from but knowing my child's heart is breaking and there is nothing I can do to fix it or kiss it better. No cure. No remedy. No magic wand.

Both girls sobbing.  Clenching tight the pictures they have of daddy. Tales of daddy daughter dances with no daddy.  Waking up ready to cuddle only to be met with a cold pillow where their daddy should have lain.  Visions of white dresses down aisles with no daddy by their side. "It shouldn't be this way." "Kids are supposed to have daddies". "My daddy should be here in the morning." "I miss my daddy."  "Why does it hurt so much?"  Sobbing. Holding hands. Sharing sorrow. The songs of a good good father and 'Thy Will be Done' floating through the air as we hold on, trying to breathe, trying to survive another night until sleep finally allows sweet escape.

"In peace will I lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." Psalm 4:8

Pray for my children. 

Season of tantrums

This seasons of emotions are too big, to strong, too  extreme for any of us here. Grace my girls of tears. Kayleigh my girls of constant negatives. Caleb my boy of tantrums.  The part that rips my heart apart is that so much of it isn't in character. Kayleigh is my joyful girl always ready for fun. Caleb is my easy going, even tempered boy. He never had tantrums even at 2. He has now had 3 giant ones in the less than a week. Grace. Well Grace always was prone to tears, but it is to a whole new level. And even I, after receiving a surprise $600 water bill from the rental house's last tenant had my own meltdown tantrum. The straw that broke the camels back. Having us all on high emotion does not help with being kind, patient, and loving with each other. Needless to say bickering has been at an all time high. 😖

Village

The kid and I headed to a friend from school's house after school today. They were so excited to see and play with friends. It was a good thing for all of us. We all needed a break from each other, from tears, and from sadness. We needed time to laugh, play and have fun. I am so thankful we had a night filled to the brim with laughter and play.  We definitely stayed later than we probably should have. I felt bad that Caleb was pretty much done, sucking his thumb and holding puppy about a half hour before we finally left. The good part was that he went straight to bed! First bedtime in forever that felt easy!!! In any case I am so thankful that God has blessed me with my village: my school, work, friend, church, and family. I don't know what we would do without you all right now.

 Two are better than one....If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up. Ecclesiastes 4:10

Personal pity parties

I actually had a crazy productive day! It was a whirlwind. Car title transfers at the Secretary of State, passports at the Clerk's office, solidifying my health care with work, and meeting with Social Security. Overwhelming but it felt so good to actually get some concrete things done. It also went as smoothly as I could have possibly asked for. Praise God! Thanks for all those prayers!

The day did not end as I'd hoped though. I think I may have overdone it because by dinner I had a pounding headache. This was then followed up by working with Caleb on homework for two hours for an assignment that should have taken 15 minutes. I should have just quit and gone back later, but I'm stubborn and also like to have a task completed once started. However, in hindsight this time I should have just waived the white flag and given up! After this torture session, the kids were begging me to go rollerblading with them.  I managed to for a little while before the bickering commenced.  I am so sick of bickering!

The evening ended with both Caleb and Kayleigh having monster meltdowns. Kayleigh had a list a mile and a half long with why school and everything else in life is horrible. I totally understand that everything in life right now feels hard and overwhelming.  I understand that much of it is just part of the grieving process, but after awhile I struggled with having due empathy and just didn't want to hear even one more negative comment. I was done. I tried praying with and for her, spending time reading with her, doing our Bible time, empathetic listening, and refocusing on the positives of the day. However, she was having nothing to do with it. She was firmly entrenched in her pity party and there was nothing I was going to be able to do to get her out of it. I finally just couldn't take it anymore, said goodnight and went to bed. UGH! And then I feel guilty for leaving. This parenting a grieving child SUCKS!

So thank you for listening to my own personal pity party of negativity. The hypocrisy does not fail to strike me. 😝

First day back

First day back to work. I figured that today was a good day to ease into work before going back 'full' time next week. I have been greatly blessed by their willingness to work with me where I am at, with the needs of my children and I with insurance, hours, flexibility, summers, and bereavement time. After only a few hours back, I had to laugh. I had a student in my office within twenty minutes talking my ear off. I love teenagers! They are seriously the best. So funny.  I have to say though that three hours at work never felt so long. I am really struggling with focus, concentration, memory, and patience with myself. My processing speed is just so slow right now, and it is so frustrating to lose my train of thought a trillion times a day! Honestly I felt overwhelmed with the amount I missed and what I have to do in the coming months. I love working with students. I do not love paperwork. And at the moment paperwork does not love me either. I swear my memory is like Swiss cheese and just flies around darting back and forth between the random holes. So annoying! 

Prayer requests. We have lots of meetings tomorrow. I have to go to the Secretary of State to switch car titles. I need to select doctors for my kids and complete insurance paperwork. This totally stresses me out. The kids and I also have an appointment at the Social Security office. Finally, Josh and I surprised the kids for Christmas with tickets to Mexico City over spring break to visit our dear friend Ana and her family. Unfortunately Josh died the day before we had scheduled to take the kids to get their passports. To get passports for minors you need both parents present. I do not have a certified death certificate with cause of death and I am nervous about if they will be approved to get passports. Lois has said she can go with us in Josh's stead, but the airlines will not transfer the ticket name and of course the ticket stuff is all more complicated and expensive now. Please pray that all of these meetings and that things work out smoothly and better than I could ever imagine. Also pray for us as the kids transition to taking the bus again tomorrow, and as I heard back to normal work next week. 

Mood swings

I started this morning unable to get out of bed. Seriously the kids and I climbed out of bed at 8:15 and we had to leave at 8:30am. Needless to say we were late for school.  I had BSF this morning. I love going to Bible Study. It's one of my favorite things each week. However, I knew going in this was going to be a tough one. Lazarus. Need I say more.  The questions of why can Jesus save one and not another.  Why did he not save Josh? Jesus wept. Does Jesus weep for me? Does Jesus weep for my children who are without a daddy? Does Jesus weep for a mother without a son?  And yet, the comfort brought by those words, "Jesus wept".  He weeps for me. He weeps for my children. He weeps for mothers.  How can I believe that our compassionate and loving God would do any less for me, his child as he did on that long ago day with Martha and Mary. Needless to say, I did a lot of crying this morning.

Afternoon hit with a flurry of tasks. Today's task was going through my filing cabinet and shredding and filing documents, along with getting tax stuff ready. It was only made bearable by the help of two friends who bore through the files with me. It amazes me sometimes how easily angered I can get over things. I called Kay's doctor yesterday morning at 8am and they finally returned my call at 3pm today to let me now that I needed to schedule another appointment sometime this week. I was ticked! Then I got on the phone with the coroner's office and they told me they won't know the cause of death for 12 weeks!! Last time I was told 4-6 weeks. My patience with things like that is just shot. To say I was irritable and angry for much of the afternoon is an understatement. You can tell I was a lot of fun to be around!

However, fast forward two hours and I was having a great time. We had a science activity night at the kids' school and it was so fun seeing the kids play with their friends, learn about science, and talk to other friend moms.  Suddenly the world was okay again. 

BUT then I went to a group grief counseling session I signed up for right after the funeral. Tonight was the first night. I walked in feeling on a high from the science fair..... only to have it come crashing down in waves of unbearable grief as I stared at the photo I had brought of Josh and I together, laughing and smiling on the beach in California. Our last vacation together. Hearing the grief process that I know so well being described and it being me. Sharing about Josh's life and death. Thinking I had it together and then within two words not being able to but squeak out a few words between sobs. I know that it is healthy and good to lean into grief. I know that there isn't a script or a right way to grieve. I know that I have to have patience  and grace for myself. But geez, it is hard.  I did laugh as one of the emotions of grief lists an "excessive need to tell your story".  Hmmm... it could maybe be describing me just a tad. Originally I started writing again to help communicate with family and friends about how things were going. But also because I need to communicate.  I need a record of life now. I need to get all that is in my head and heart down on paper because my memory and thoughts are so jumbled and fleeting so often. However I realize the main reason I write is because I love to know and be known.  

To know and be known. 

My beloved is not here.  Yet my Lord knows me, he weeps, and calls me by name. 

The sheep hear his voice; and he calls them by name and leads them out. He goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. John 10:3

But now, thus says the Lord who created you, O Jacob. And he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; You are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; Isaiah 43:1-2

Movies

Today is a day of anxiety and overwhelming sadness. I made myself go to the exercise class in hopes it would help some. Instead as I went through the motions, my head just kept swimming with images of Josh on the couch. Josh not breathing, Josh dying before my very eyes as I frantically tried to save him. But failed. I have had every day these same images and experiences reliving that day, but it's been more like a silent movie that you are a spectator at, anaylzing and trying to figure it out. Today I was there. Today I could feel the panic. Today I could feel the helplessness again. Today I could feel the pure grief. My heart pounding. My head spinning. My eyes unable to focus on anything but him. So I sit and sob. Unable to stop thinking. Stop seeing. Stop feeling.

Even thought I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me. Psalm 23:4

Thankful

Today was a good day. My basement, garage, girls' room and kitchen all were cleaned and organized this weekend by family and friends. The kitchen Mike and my dad added trim along the top and finished my side cabinet.  My brother-in-law fixed my electrical issues too.  My mom and mother-in-law exuded patience beyond belief as I ran us all over town trying to pick out a light for over the kitchen sink. It only took me 9 months to actually make a choice. 😳 But a choice was finally made! I

  I even convinced my sister to help my girls purge their room. Well, actually they started by "helping", but we quickly learned they are total pack rats and while others ran interference we finally were able to throw away a ton of garbage and get the room organized!

 Many friends and family helped with the garage and basement. My brother made sure to organize the tools so that he was sure to find what he needed when he was over. 😂 It was super overwhelming at first, but as each new person came they brought renewed energy and focus. I am so blessed to have family and friends that love so extravagantly.  All of which led to this: my kiddos and I finishing the last two nights rollerblading in the basement. I love these smiling faces! Thank you God for surrounding us with such loving family and friends both near and far. Love you.

Order in chaos

It is hard not to feel like my whole world has been thrown into chaos.  Between Josh not being here, changing bills, so many unknowns, transitioning my kiddos back to school, sickness all around, and thinking of going back to work, I can hardly catch my breath before the next area of my life is hectic and out of control. I keep praying God would hold me in this chaos and keep me steady as my feet have slipped from beneath me, but man it's hard! This weekend I was blessed by having some order brought by friends and family. They came and in a whirlwind of purpose and activity transformed my basement and garage into places of order.  I LOVE organization and neatness. It makes me laugh to think of when Josh and I first got married and lived together for the first time. I was coming from living with Ana and Lois who modeled clean and orderly living. Josh was coming from the boys house... um let's just say it was less than clean and organized. Our two worlds and ways of living collided in a crash. And yet, he taught me to let go, ease up, be okay with some chaos and dirty clothes on the floor.  He approached life with such a laid back attitude in everything. He seldom worried, never fretted and always went with the flow.  He'd hold me and listen to me as I was anxious or craving order, and always pointed me back to trusting God in the midst. Oh how I could use his hug and word of wisdom right now.

I thought this weekends project of working on the kitchen and basement would be safe from tears. I was more than happy to have some order brought to areas of our house that will help the kids be able to play in the basement all winter long and make our dream kitchen complete. Our kitchen had a few last touches that needed finishing. Josh and his step-dad had planned to finish those touches this weekend as they talked over Christmas. I was so excited to get the kitchen complete and yet as we worked I kept picturing Josh being there, cutting up board, nailing up cupboards, rolling his eyes as I can't make up my mind about which light I like best. Oh how I miss him. I really thought working on the basement would be at least safe. Nothing in the basement reminded me of Josh... until we opened a bin of our prenatal classes and I saw his doodling, or when I found his 4th grade social studies project, or when the frame of his baby feet and birth date were found by his mom. So we cried. And we hugged. And we mourned. Even as we cleaned up a basement.

And yet there were such blessings in the friendships, memories shared, company and love.

Make it through

Josh has been gone for three weeks... and yet I still expect him to walk through the door any minute. I  roll over in bed to drape my arm over his wall of a shoulder only to have it flop down. I catch wiffs of the smell of his soap in the shower. I see him all around in hats lined up on the shelf, his grill out the window, his car in the driveway, his badge on the table. Yet he isn't here. I keep trying to make it through it, and yet what am I trying to make it through to. In the past I'd hold on strong to make it through the days he was gone at conference. Make it through until he came home in the wee morning from work. Make it through until we were together again.  What am I making it through to now? He isn't coming back through that door. He isn't going to be there in the morning when I wake up. He isn't  going to make me laugh or hug me or love me again.  So instead I bury my head in his smelly shirt, feeling the softness against my face wishing he was actually there to hold me instead of me holding it, begging God to hold me in the midst.

Wee morning hours

The wee hours of the morning and I are not friends. It is in those hours of 3-4 a.m that my thoughts race, my heart aches, and my body will not rest. Early this morning it was about the logistics of how executing a living trust works, how to pay debts  and in which order, how to sell a car that is only in his name, how to do it in a way that is legally responsible, how to use the money to pay the medical bills, how to, how to, how to.... So many questions I don't have answers for and lead me to seeking advice from hundreds of google search sites with no true answers at the end of my two hour quest.

 In some ways today's wee morning was easy. At least it didn't bear the anguish other mornings have brought.  Anguish that only seems to be eased by the Word of God or his truth through song. I have never been a big song person. I have a total of one I-Tunes song in my song library. However, now I can barely stand to be without it. His truths through music soothes the din in my head and heart. Today especially, I was so blessed  by music and the warm weather. I was able to walk as I listened and enjoyed God's crisp creation. Walking has always been one of my favorite activities. I love walking fast, feeling the breeze in my hair and speed to my step. It makes me feel alive. Alive feels good.

Sickness

I am so sick of sickness! When is it going to end? By the end of the funeral week my niece and nephew were both sick with ear infections and crud. My nephew got pink eye and was hospitalized bacterial pneumonia. My mom got pneumonia the weekend after. My kids were out of school two days last week with fevers and cold type symptoms, and then this week both girls got pink eye and strep throat. I have not had a day in two weeks without someone being sick. I am so over it. I can't get any of the million things I need done completed because I am constantly taking care of sick kids. I feel crummy and so does my poor family.  Now I am praying Caleb and I don't get the pink eye/ strep so we can actually move towards healing. I'm feeling frustrated and angry. I hate going to the doctors! Lord please bring healing- physically and emotionally!

In two

Oh God, how can my heart be tearing in two. How can it be so painful I can't breath. How do I function ok one moment and the next I am huddled sobbing in a corner because of a glance at a picture or a wift of a smell. How do I sob through a Bible story about God's presence not in the wind, earthquake, or lightening, but in the still whisper of silence with my son patting my shoulder trying to comfort me as I am trying to comfort him.  The reality is setting in in glances and moments, and giant tidal waves that threaten to drown me... and yet I cling to the soft still voice and the rock that promises shelter in the shadow of His wings.

Let not the flood sweep over me, or the deep swallow me up, or the pit close its mouth over me.
Answer me, O LORD, for your steadfast love is good; according to your abundant mercy, turn to me. Hide not your face from your servant; for I am in distress; make haste to answer me.  - Psalm 69:15-17

Sucker punches

I was blessed today with friends who came and helped me clean, sanitize and take down Christmas.  We has just come back to town from celebrating Christmas with Josh's family  I had just finished unloading the van into the kitchen when he died. Needless to say everything was everywhere. It helped so much to have help with the daunting task of putting Christmas away. However, today was yet another example of how I can be doing relatively fine one minute and the next feel like I have been sucker punched. It's always stupid random stuff too that gets me. Today I found Josh's work out bag with his sweaty used shirt... that smelled and felt just like him. In an instant I'm in his arms hugging him with my face pressed against the softness of his shirt and with my nose at his armpit smelling the sweet smell of minty deodorant and sweat (Yep, armpit height is exactly where my nose hit on his giant frame). And just like that I was sucker punched again. I found his deodorant the other day and totally lost it. Note to self- smell is a major trigger!

Questions

Caleb and I have been reading the Action Bible for our nightly devotion over the last year. He loves the stories of God's mighty acts of power as God raised people from the dead, opened up seas, and cared for His people in mighty and majestic ways. So how do you answer a little boy who asks, "Why didn't God save my daddy? He can do it. Why doesn't he do this now?"  Oh the whys. And yet there is no answer. No answer that satisfies. So instead I sit there holding my sobbing child, reminding Him of God's love for Him even when we don't get why.

Bedtimes are ROUGH! What usually takes a half hour is averaging 1-2 hours minimum. They all want me at the same time. They all need me. They all want their own alone time with me. They all are mourning even as I am. It has only been two weeks and I don't know how I am going to make it without getting impatient and angry as I myself just want to go to bed and rest. And yet they need me so. Pray.

Mourning with children

I envy the kids some times. They have such a way of compartmentalizing.  They escape through play,  reading and imagination. Yet one moment they are happy as a lark, laughing and having a blast, and then the next they are curled up in a ball sobbing in your arms. Tonight was one of the sobbing in a ball nights. Caleb threw the biggest monster of a tantrum unlike any I've ever seen- over not being able to see a movie tonight. The hysterical crying finally ceased a solid hour later as he whispered, "I really miss daddy" and fell into my arms to fall asleep as I rubbed his back. He has reverted back to thumb sucking constantly. Kay followed his tantrum up less than fifteen minutes later with her own breakdown, so sad and so mad. I hold them as they sob, begging God to lessen their pain. I don't know how to comfort them; how to give them solace, so I play music. Songs about God holding them, God loving them, God our good, good father. I spent my whole life trying to protect them and in one minute their safety is shattered. Pray for my kiddos.

Things that suck

If you came to the funeral or wake you probably heard me say one of two things, or both. "God is faithful" and "This really sucks!"  I am really eloquent with words aren't I?  It is interesting to overhear people talk about you. I know that I am still in shock. I have waves of grief that hit that take my breath away and make me feel like I am drowning. Other times I feel completely numb. I can't feel anything: fear, sadness, anger, hope, happiness, joy, thanksgiving. I can see why God designed us to have shock. It make life bearable while I have to go through the motions of calling a million places, repeating over  and over that my husband is dead and I need to change our whole life.  It allows me to still parent my children, and smile when a chubby baby smiles at me, and laugh until I cry at a silly game of Beanboozled that Josh would have loved.

However, shock also means that people make comments about "how it isn't real yet to me", and "She's just going through the motions", "just wait three months until it really hits"  and "we will see if she will still call the Lord faithful months from now". And to be honest, I think those same things.   Fear wells up in me. I am so afraid that if I feel like this now what will three months, six months and a two years from now look like. I am afraid of the pain to come. I am afraid of when the shock wears off. I am afraid of becoming a bitter woman who rejects God. Let it not be so. For who and what would I be with the God who holds me in the palm of His hand as I sob. The God who comforts me. The God who makes such extravagant promises to be my rock and my refuge, my shelter in times of trouble, my love. To this God of love and faithfulness I cling as He holds me. He holds my children. Pray they continue to cling to Him, love and trust Him as they do now. Pray this drives us to more fully to Him, seeking and trusting Him with all things. Pray I focus on getting through today, and not the fear of what is still to come.

In the meantime, death really SUCKS!

So does not having a clue how to work your tv because your husband always did it. The death one just sucks a million trillion times more.

Thanksgiving

I am continually overwhelmed and humbled by the extravagant generosity of those around me.  If nothing else, it makes me so aware of the important of the body of Christ. It gives me a vision of what God designed our church to be- the hands and feet of Jesus. I never wanted to be in the "care for the widows and orphans" category, but to see it done by our church, school, work, family and friends with such fierce love and compassion brings me to my knees with thanksgiving.  I thank God for surrounding me with such a community. I sometimes joke that the girls broke me in for accepting help- the other time in my life when I felt so helpless to make it alone. That far pales in comparison to now. Accepting help from so many can be hard. Yet at this point I am so overwhelmed with the enormity of the loss of my beloved, I can just sit here and humbly accept the help with thanks to God for his provision.

To church again

Today was the first day driving ourselves back to church. The last times we have been there have been for the funeral and then last week when my entire family came. I was blessed today to have my sister and nieces and nephews come, along with a friend from church who brought us chai teas. In some ways going to church is one of those really hard things to do now. Due to Josh's work schedule, I have become used to do many things solo in the evenings. I'm already used to social events without him, driving kids to school, doing bedtime routines solo. However, Sundays were our day together. He always drove. We'd sit side by side, or with kids piled on top of our laps. When they'd leave for SonLight City,  I'd slide my hand into his coat pocket to have mine engulfed by his huge paws.  We'd both sing off key as we praised our God together.  As we'd drive home we'd discuss what we learned from God's Word that day. He'd always have insights that I'd miss as the way he'd approach the world was so different than me.  We'd get home and immediately the football game would go on. I'd cuddle in the blanket next to him.  Every other Sunday we'd head to our Small Group Bible Study. We had a few years where we yearned to find a small group to join together. It was always a challenge with his crazy work schedule. However, we finally found one we loved that worked for us. Sunday evenings. He loved getting food together, and off we'd go to fellowship with others who loved the Lord too. I cherish deeply the time we had spending time with God and friends together.
We went to church today because I love the Lord. We went because I want my children to understand and know that in our family God is first. We went because even though it breaks my heart over and over to not have Josh beside us worshipping God, I choose to still worship and love God first and foremost. We go because I need to be elevated above my circumstances to be humbled and held by God's mighty and loving hands.  My children didn't want to go today. It hurt to hear their pain and their whining. I get how hard it is and yet I need us to go. I need them to know God is faithful and loves them. For I am resolved to follow the Lord, no matter the circumstances. Pray my children can praise God at home and church. Pray for strength for each new day. Pray they desire and want to go to church where we can be surrounded by love, support and God's Word. Pray that God grow our dependence and faith in Him more each day.

Young widows club

At the library today, I overhead a woman talking about me. Can you say awkward!?! I guess her daughter went to school with my sister. She didn't even know I was there until she looked over and spotted me. Then she went on for ten minutes about how it had to be divine intervention I was there because she was just talking about me and this other woman ran a young widow support group. UGh! Who wants to be a member of the young widows club? Involuntary membership, irrevocable.

I'm only two weeks in and I already hate it.  Half the time I see tears and know people are looking at me in horror as seeing me brings up every fear they imagine as they picture it happening to themselves.  It isn't supposed to happen to someone 'young', or their age, or with children. I can see the thoughts swirling, "If it can happen to her than it can happen to me". I get it. I have similar thoughts and fears when I hear of children dying or sickness or cancer. You instantly put yourself in their shoes and then internally cringe away in horror at the thought, praying "not me God". There are some who I know love me and will be there even in the heartbreak, muck and mire of the years ahead. Others I can already tell I am the rain on their parade of life. And I hate being rain. I love being sunshine.

Funerals

A funeral is a lot like a messed up wedding. You pick songs and Bible verses, have a pastor speak, make newspaper annoucements, pick a menu and food, see all your favorite family and friends, and receive lots of gifts and cards. You feel loved by all those who came, and feel like you have no time to really talk to anyone. Yet, your beloved isn't there, and instead of walking down the aisle to meet your waiting love at the front, instead you are walking down the aisle before a casket with vows of love and faithfulness 'till death do us part' ringing in your ears.  Yep, definitely like a messed up wedding. So depressing I can't even take it.

In all reality, I loved the funeral as much as one can love a funeral. They posted the audio for it on the church's website and I have listened to it over and over again. Hearing loved one from school, work, family and friends share about Josh in the eulogies make me even now laugh and cry. I loved hearing about my beloved, seeing him from different perspectives. Hearing how funny, kind, loving, compassionate, "wicked smart", and sassy he was.  He was such a good cook, a technology nerd, and so hospitable and giving. He was amazing. Pastor did an amazing job with the message. The love of the Lord never ceases. When he stopped and spoke directly to my children and had them pinkie swear to always talk to me and give hugs, my heart overflowed. I need them to know how much I love them, how much I want them to talk to me about anything, and most of all how much we all need to resolve to love God and trust him with all our heart, mind, and strength through this. God is faithful. He loves them and us so much. I don't understand why this happened, but I do know that God loves us and will carry us each day through this.

A wife's funeral eulogy

Twelve years ago Josh and I chose some of these same favorite songs to sing to one another at our wedding: “In Christ Alone”and “Blessed be the Name of the Lord”. A somewhat odd choice for a wedding. We chose these songs because of their truth for us both.  And yet, even as we contemplated choosing those many years ago, we discussed, ‘are we really picking these songs?’. I mean really it was a wedding and while we were committing to bless the Lord when the streams of abundance flow and in a land of plenty which is easy to do; we were also promising to bless God’s name even on the road marked with suffering and when the darkness closes in.  We had many discussions before and after choosing these songs about the hard truth asked of us- committing to praise God, committing to trust God, committing to rest in God when our lives were filled with darkness, storms, suffering, and fear. And yet each time at church these songs were sang we’d hold hands and commit yet again to these very things. Josh loved the Lord so much. He was a quiet man of faith that demonstrated his trust in God through his actions, the way he treated his children and me. Oh what a servant he was. Do you know this man of God made lunches every day for his children at 3am, has been my personal chauffeur since the day he first asked to borrow my car for a ride and I said ‘yes, as long as you promise to drive’; who would eagerly volunteer to host and cook for countless people because he loved to serve.  Sonow as we have lost our father, and my beloved, we choose, his children and I, who each night this week all piled in a king bed at my parent’s have sang through tear soaked pillows the truth that though our beloved was taken away, our heart will choose to say Lord, blessed be Your Name. We cling to the promises In Christ Alone, that Sin’s curse has lost its grip on Josh as he was bought with the precious blood of Christ . Josh stands in victory with Christ. He is redeemed and called home. Oh the sweet,sweet crushing sorrow and yet comfort that comes with that. We weren't ready but Josh is called home to heaven. We will see him again some day. And as we wrote on his headstone, “The Steadfast Love of the Lord Never Ceases. Until We Meet Again.” And so we choose to say, “Blessed be the Name of the Lord”. 

So dear, dear family and friends I beseech you to pray for my children and I not just these forever long and yet short few days, but for the months and years to come when the reality of never having another hug, never holding hands again, and never hearing his deep laugh again sets in. Pray for comfort, for provision, for shelter in the wings of the Most High God. Pray when the darkness closes in each night suffocating us with sorrow and sleepless nights, that we continue to cling to our Lord, trusting Him even as our world has fallen apart. Pray for my dear sweet children that they continue to daily commit to loving and trusting God for all the days of their lives even as they now have faith that leaves me in awe and is in so many ways a testament to the kind of father Josh was. Pray for his parents and family who should never lose a son and brother so young that they would have comfort and cling to God in the midst. Pray for us dear friends and family, for we are weak but God our Savior is strong. 

Shattered

Josh died last week Monday. 1/2/17.  I write those words and they still seem surreal.  He was laying on the couch one moment watching football and the next he was gone. "Daddy is snoring funny mommy." I don't know if I will ever get the images of the next few hours out of my mind: slapping him in the face, screaming for the girls to find my phone as I dinged it frantically, begging 911 to hurry, trying desperately to roll him off the couch and then dumping him on his face, chest compressions until I was sweating and out of breath. Finally help.... that didn't actually help in the way I wanted. Caleb was so impressed to have helped the police officer to know where to go, scared and yet not realizing what really was happening. Me begging for the EMTs to save him as they wouldn't let me near. Callling everyone near until my sister finally answered. Running barefoot to the neighbors begging them to watch the kids so I could get to the hospital. Praying so desperately on the way that God would save him. Staring at the black watch band of the doctor as he told me they did everything they could. Hearing in a black hole but unable to speak. The girls and Caleb didn't know what they were walking into. Never expecting daddy dead as they came to visit. The pain ripping through as I broke their hearts with words that shattered mine. Repeating truths. God is faithful. God loves daddy. Daddy is with Jesus in heaven. Daddy loved you all so much. Words said over and over so they would sink in and be true even as I silently begged the nightmare to end. The nightmare doesn't end.

The next week was full of decisions, people, visitations, funerals. Tears. We hid for a week at my parents, afraid of going back home to the reality setting in. Afraid of seeing where he died again and reliving the nightmare I see each night in my head in real life. Music was the balm for my soul: "In Christ Alone", "Blessed be the name of the Lord", "Amazing Grace". Be held. I clung to God, repeating truths to my children and myself about the Lord's faithfulness, love, trustworthiness, mercies.  There was such an outpouring of love and support and FOOD. Yet, I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't believe it was true. This coudn't be my life.