Shattered

Josh died last week Monday. 1/2/17.  I write those words and they still seem surreal.  He was laying on the couch one moment watching football and the next he was gone. "Daddy is snoring funny mommy." I don't know if I will ever get the images of the next few hours out of my mind: slapping him in the face, screaming for the girls to find my phone as I dinged it frantically, begging 911 to hurry, trying desperately to roll him off the couch and then dumping him on his face, chest compressions until I was sweating and out of breath. Finally help.... that didn't actually help in the way I wanted. Caleb was so impressed to have helped the police officer to know where to go, scared and yet not realizing what really was happening. Me begging for the EMTs to save him as they wouldn't let me near. Callling everyone near until my sister finally answered. Running barefoot to the neighbors begging them to watch the kids so I could get to the hospital. Praying so desperately on the way that God would save him. Staring at the black watch band of the doctor as he told me they did everything they could. Hearing in a black hole but unable to speak. The girls and Caleb didn't know what they were walking into. Never expecting daddy dead as they came to visit. The pain ripping through as I broke their hearts with words that shattered mine. Repeating truths. God is faithful. God loves daddy. Daddy is with Jesus in heaven. Daddy loved you all so much. Words said over and over so they would sink in and be true even as I silently begged the nightmare to end. The nightmare doesn't end.

The next week was full of decisions, people, visitations, funerals. Tears. We hid for a week at my parents, afraid of going back home to the reality setting in. Afraid of seeing where he died again and reliving the nightmare I see each night in my head in real life. Music was the balm for my soul: "In Christ Alone", "Blessed be the name of the Lord", "Amazing Grace". Be held. I clung to God, repeating truths to my children and myself about the Lord's faithfulness, love, trustworthiness, mercies.  There was such an outpouring of love and support and FOOD. Yet, I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't believe it was true. This coudn't be my life.