If you came to the funeral or wake you probably heard me say one of two things, or both. "God is faithful" and "This really sucks!" I am really eloquent with words aren't I? It is interesting to overhear people talk about you. I know that I am still in shock. I have waves of grief that hit that take my breath away and make me feel like I am drowning. Other times I feel completely numb. I can't feel anything: fear, sadness, anger, hope, happiness, joy, thanksgiving. I can see why God designed us to have shock. It make life bearable while I have to go through the motions of calling a million places, repeating over and over that my husband is dead and I need to change our whole life. It allows me to still parent my children, and smile when a chubby baby smiles at me, and laugh until I cry at a silly game of Beanboozled that Josh would have loved.
However, shock also means that people make comments about "how it isn't real yet to me", and "She's just going through the motions", "just wait three months until it really hits" and "we will see if she will still call the Lord faithful months from now". And to be honest, I think those same things. Fear wells up in me. I am so afraid that if I feel like this now what will three months, six months and a two years from now look like. I am afraid of the pain to come. I am afraid of when the shock wears off. I am afraid of becoming a bitter woman who rejects God. Let it not be so. For who and what would I be with the God who holds me in the palm of His hand as I sob. The God who comforts me. The God who makes such extravagant promises to be my rock and my refuge, my shelter in times of trouble, my love. To this God of love and faithfulness I cling as He holds me. He holds my children. Pray they continue to cling to Him, love and trust Him as they do now. Pray this drives us to more fully to Him, seeking and trusting Him with all things. Pray I focus on getting through today, and not the fear of what is still to come.
In the meantime, death really SUCKS!
So does not having a clue how to work your tv because your husband always did it. The death one just sucks a million trillion times more.
As uneloquent as it may seem, God is faithful and this really sucks actually said both sides of the pendulum for believers in Christ when it felt there were no words to say.
ReplyDeleteJohn 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid."
That your children, now and along their journeys, will seek, love, and trust the Lord, will be my steadfast prayer.
P.S. This girl will need you too much down the road of this life to let you become a bitter woman who rejects God! ❤