It surprises me sometimes how I can get through part of the day feeling relatively ok. Josh is always at the back of my brain, but overall emotionally I'm ok. And then suddenly out of nowhere it hits like a lead weight to my chest, a knife to the heart, a punch to the gut and I can barely breath for the sorrow. This afternoon it was as I saw an ambulance drive by. Suddenly I just kept picturing Josh leaving in the ambulance and thinking about how we were just talking about how I got to ride in one when I had my allergic reaction and he hadn't. We were joking about it. And then I'm thinking about how he finally got to ride in one and he didn't even get to look around and check it all out. So odd the thoughts that race through the brain.
Mornings still suck. This morning it was about 4:30am I woke up. I usually start reading a devotion or my Bible to try to seek out the only true source of comfort. This morning it was a devotional on the range of losses that come. "One reason grief distrusts so many aspects of your life is because your loss is not one isolated loss. You will miss so many qualities and facets of the person you lost that each will become an opportunity to experience grief." That's all it took. I lost it ever more.
Josh. My friend. My love. My companion. My lover. The only person who got my kind of funny...who thought I was funny, and would laugh at the same things with me. My breadwinner, shopper, and lunch maker. My cook and grill master. The shoulder to cry on. The back to snuggle up on. The arms who embrace and comfort me. The logic to my emotion. The father of our children. My own personal chauffeur. The one who cheered me up. The one who would cuddle me in his arms and make me feel small and safe. The one who put me in line if I was being ridiculous. My mechanic, mower, and handyman all in one. My TV and movie getter. My computer fixer. The roughhouse jungle gym for our children. The one that would make me feel beautiful and cherished. The one who'd call me darling and love. The one I knew and knew me so well. My love.
I'm sure your thinking right about now, geez- what did you do in this relationships?! I'm proud to say I know I was so spoiled, which makes it all the harder. How could I not weep after losing all that, of losing him? How do I survive without him? And so it is to the Lord I cry for mercy, to hold us when we weep, to carry all the sorrow of my children and I. To fill this Josh size hole that looms so large. To bring once again joy, gladness and healing where all we can see is sorrow, sadness, and grief.
Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you. I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower agains the foe. Psalm 61:1-3
My heart hurts for you. Those little reminders are so frequent and so many, and yet you just have no choice but to experience and mourn each one. You are doing the right thing by seeking the true Comforter, and praying He brings healing and peace. And I wasn't thinking that by the way- you brought so much life, joy and love to your marriage. You were all those things to Josh, a friend, lover, mother to his children, you were the breadwinner at times, you showed him so much grace when he failed, you were best friends, you encouraged and supported him. You had a healthy, solid marriage, and you should be proud you both loved your vows. Love you, and praying for you.
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