I had high hopes that tonight I'd get the kids to bed at a decent time. We started off at 8:15, so not great but not terrible. Bedtime just finally came for the girls five minutes ago at 10 o'clock, and even now I can still hear soft sobbing sneaking through the door from the other room. Bedtime veered left as I left Kay for two minutes on the bed to go get Caleb his puppy and somehow that erupted into a giant meltdown fight between Kay and Caleb. This quickly leads to two hours of tears, meltdowns, missing daddy, and trying to comfort as we listen to 'Good Good Father', 'Ten Thousand Reasons', and 'It is Well with my Soul'. It is hitting the girls that Josh isn't going to the daddy daughter dance, isn't going to Mexico, isn't going to the water park. Kay couldn't remember his voice. We watched the Christmas video of the kids finding out about our trip to Mexico where you can Josh's deep voice. Oh the deep piercing of the heart that commenced. How can he sound so here but not be at all? How was that less than two months ago? How is he gone forever? How can we never hear his voice again? How does it hurt so much? Oh Lord how we miss him.
Today was a day I just wanted to crawl into bed, hide under my blankets and sleep the day away. I tried desperately to sneak in a nap, but of course that didn't happen and even my hopes of a decent bedtime were shattered. It was a day of being covered in a suffocating blanket of depression. I kept trying to peek out, but it just kept clinging on. Actually the last day and a half have been that. We stopped at the cemetery where Josh was buried yesterday afternoon.... and I feel like I am still standing there next to his grave site even as life as moved on. I try to make conversation, and make myself laugh and smile, and yet I am not really there. My laugh is hollow and my smile wanes. I have trouble listening well, following along in conversations, keeping my train of thought. All I see is the gaping hole where Josh should be and isn't. I hate this feeling. I hate the hollowness and feeling like I am living life through a looking glass. Oh Lord Jesus help.
My heart hurts for the depth of your pain and the ache of your sweet dear ones. I can't even imagine trying to grasp the reality of the situation when reality right now is so incredibly painful. Know I am praying for you all tonight. Cling to God. He is clinging to you. He promises to be close to the broken hearted. Praying He wraps you in his true peace! Love you Kelly.
ReplyDeleteI want so badly to just somehow give Josh back to you and take all your and the kids sorrow away. I know this doesn't help at all and I know you say you are smiling and laughing with no depth, but you amaze me with your strength and faith. I know you don't feel strong but a weak person wouldn't be holding their children up in Christ by playing them comforting worship songs, somehow making it through each day without giving up (though I'm sure there's plenty of times you want to), loving on your children, doing devotions with them despite being exhausted to the bone. Your words honor Josh and inspire me to be a better wife and mother. You are strong, and so so loved.
ReplyDelete"Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine."
About 10 times a day I ask myself and God "why"? I fall short of the answer every time. I know we will find out in the end when all the pieces of the puzzle are put together and we see God's beautiful plan. But right now this piece just seems to be in the wrong box... a misfit. It's that piece that no matter which way i turn it the piece just doesn't fit. We are so blessed to have God as our comfort. I can't imagine going through life and all the pain and loss without the holy spirt wraping its arms around us. I am praying for peace, happiness, and relief from grief. Your family is daily in my prayers. Hugs dear friend. Hugs to those kiddos too.
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