Monday, February 6, 2017
Head and heart
Habits die hard, like getting dressed in the morning for the last month with the lights off since I don't want to wake Josh up. Putting Halo in the girls' room at night since if he is in mine he will bark when Josh gets home. Waking up at 4am most nights waiting for him to climb into bed. And I do them each day until like this morning when I realize, he's not in bed to wake up. He is not coming home to make Halo bark. He isn't climbing into bed. And it's then the oppressive grief settles in again like an unbearable blanket under which it's hard to breathe. It's like one of the two, my head or my heart keeps lying to me. I know he is dead. But one of the two, my head or my heart won't or can't believe it really is forever.
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Beautiful Kelly--your pain is shared by all of us who love you. We wish we had the cure for your heart and mind. Josh is gone on earth--but living forever in heaven and certainly he lives on in your heart and mind. You will see him again and you both will be in your glory, literally.
ReplyDeleteFor today and everyday since this tragedy, you and the kiddos are in our prayers. And that will not be changing any time soon.
Super Bowl at your house the other night was really good and fun, but really strange. It felt so normal. But so wrong. I kept looking into the family room full of crazy kids jumping and running all around and fully expecting Josh to be right there in the middle of the beautiful chaos. His presence was strong, quiet, unassuming and interested. So full of love for his family and friends. I know that while we felt his absence so profoundly last night, feeling his absence is a constant for you; smothering and inescapable. I can't even imagine. He was your rock. But he also helped you build your house on the Rock that never fails- What a gift of love to you and glory to God! Yay Josh! He is so missed and you are so loved!
ReplyDeleteI wish there was some way to magically take away those hurts, to never have to feel them, to not have daily reminders. Doesn't it seem like loss of this magnitude is hard enough without having to be constantly jolted back to reality by the little things?? All I can say is I pray all these bittersweet everyday (& also middle of the stinkin night) reminders can somehow still be a comfort and sweet memory...because I read each one and think what a great provider Josh was, toughing out those midnight hours, what a great dad Josh was, making those lunches at 3a! I pray the Almighty Comforter will cover each hurt/realization as they arise and soothe your aching heart and that you'll feel the warmth of his steadfast love. 😙😙😙
ReplyDelete"When the darkness closes in Lord, still I will say..blessed be the name of the Lord! Blessed be Your name!"
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ReplyDeleteHow we wish we could just pray away the pain; and, yet, as you know, feeling is being alive. Even feeling pain. What a testimony to the routine you had set up between the two of you. A testimony to the care you always took to make choices that honored his time, that blessed him, and that showed your love. So I do pray that you are granted healing and peace. I pray that through this fire, you are refined and drawn even closer to the God who loves you, knows your deepest aches, and sees your hidden griefs. Praying that you are blessed even as you mourn. He promised it would be so! "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4
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