The days before Josh died he was sick with the stomach flu (or at least that's what we all were thinking). He puked right after midnight on New Years Eve, and was sick the entire next day on New Years Day puking. He was so miserable he just laid on the bathroom floor or in bed for hours. As the kids and I were processing after Sandcastles tonight we were talking about things we wish we'd have done before he died. The universal response was that we wished we had hugged and kissed him before he died and told him we loved him. We all were avoiding him like the plague because the stomach bug had been going around and none of us wanted to catch it. I even remember yelling at him as we slept in bed that he needed to roll over and face away from me so he wasn't giving me his germs. There was no last minute cuddles or hugs given the last two days, and it's something that we all regret desperately. Yes, we all know that he loved us and he knew we loved him. There were plenty of cuddles and hugs before that sickness hit, but honesty it cuts me and us all to our very core that our very last interactions were ones of avoidance. Josh and I barely talked on the way home. We always talk driving home. We didn't hold hands.... and we always hold hands. It is hard to not be angry at myself or feel so guilty that I wasn't more loving to him as he was sick. I cringe at my selfishness and putting myself first all because I didn't want to get sick too. How I wish I would have responded differently. Pray we'd all know the sweet forgiveness and cleansing that can only come through Christ who forgives us all our shortcomings and sins, and gives us grace beyond measure.
All I can think of is that Josh's story helps to remind me that life is so fragile. God reminds us that we will not know when our time will come to greet him in heaven. As much as we want control in our lives only God has control over life and death... and many other things. As I become closer to you and your family I learn so much about God. We all are reminded to savor each moment with our families and friends as well as develop an intimate relationship with God. The combination of Josh's story and your faith Kelly just might save souls. Now that is amazing.
ReplyDeleteAmen!
DeleteThat is really sad. but kelly you are just going to have to give yourself some grace on this one. I'm sure at the time Josh could understand, and wouldn't have wanted you or the kids to get what he had! Of course it would've been nice to have a hand on the back while puking, but that's just how it was. On my last evening with Andrew, i was bickering with him about thank you cards. You just never think that that could be your last moment. Don't torture yourself. Josh knew he was loved. Praying you would feel that grace and forgiveness.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteIt's so understandable how the last days transpired are hurting you so much..but Josh knew your heart (& the kids') and you just KNOW when you see him again he'll just tease you about it with that Josh laugh..:) (I insist that sarcasm will exist in heaven)
DeleteNonetheless, thank you for the reminder how precious life is and to cherish each moment the best we can, ever giving thanks to the Lord!
It is such a sad unfolding of events, and nothing can change the heaviness of those memories. But after we chatted yesterday, I prayed you would give yourself grace. And that the guilt would vanish. "There is, therefore, now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1. Obviously, this speaks of our eternal salvation, but it also applies here. Not that you behaved toward him with a sinful heart. But I hear you saying you felt careless and unloving. Josh knew your love, as you knew his...even in times when you each were less than perfect lovers. Grace, my friend, not condemnation. Praying now for peace for your heart and a night of sleep that revives you. 😘
ReplyDelete