Valentine's Day

I awoke this morning to the scampering of feet and the excited chatter of voices as my kiddos snuck into my bed to surprise me with their gift for me.  Bittersweet tears quickly followed the sweet words of the card they picked which they whispered they knew I'd love because it talked about praying for them and they knew I always pray for them and love them. Next out burst the strawberry filled Oreos.... that reminded them of the time that their daddy came home and surprised me with the same just because he'd thought I'd like them since he knew my affinity for chocolate covered strawberries. They just knew that this gift would be a gift that both them and daddy would give. Oh how I love their sweet genuine love and thoughtfulness.

The highlight of my Valentine's Day was when I dropped off Caleb and was pulled aside by his teacher. What a beautiful gift to be told that my Caleb shared that he knew his daddy was in heaven because he believed in Jesus. And the gift daddy gave him was telling him about Jesus so he could believe in Jesus too. (Rough paraphrase). Oh what sweet words of promise, comfort and joy. There is nothing that brings me more joy than hearing my children cling to the truth of Jesus. To hear that they  trust that their daddy is in heaven. To hear them profess their faith in Jesus.  Oh how I wish Josh could know and hear of the legacy of faith that he left with the children he loved so much. Oh the joy he would have. Pray that one day we would all join Josh in heaven and share in the place with any rooms that Jesus has prepared for us. Pray that our faith does not wane as the trials of life hit and the mundane of the daily go on, and as the temptations of the world try to seduce. Pray that the Holy Spirit protect us from bitterness, envy, and hate. Pray my family fixes their eyes on Christ, clings to him more each day, and trusts and loves Jesus with an always growing faith.

I was blessed with so many big and little demonstrations of love from so many friends and family. From words of comfort, cards, gifts, drinks, hugs, and unexpected surprises, I and the kids felt so loved. I know I will completely fail to adequately thank all that cared for us today, but thank you so much.

And while I did shed tears pretty much the entire day, they were mostly tears of sweet sadness, sweet joy, and sweet comfort. Yet at the end of the night as Caleb insisted his reading to me would be looking through every single picture in the album of my sweet son's first years, I could not hold back the anguish of the day any longer. For while it is doable to hide from it for awhile with the love, hugs, distractions and fun of the day, it found me as I gazed at my Josh meeting his son for the first time, cuddling him on his chest, carrying him on his shoulders, and smiling at me through the lens of long ago. For where is the hand to hold mine, his chest to rest my head on, and his laugh to bring joy. And so I'm left with anguished sobs and the unending loneliness of my beloved not being by my side, begging God to help me and hold me.



Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father's house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.   ...Jesus answered,  "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me". Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.  John 14:1-3, 27