Today all three of my children go in for surgery to have their tonsils removed. After years of strep throat and gigantic tonsils, it's time. I have second guessed myself a million times, and yet I know that if Josh was alive he would say to get them out in a heart beat as he struggled with strep throat, sleep apnea, and issues with his tonsils throughout his adult life. My children all seem to be taking after him in that department. Yet, it is also thinking of Josh and the fragility of life that has this momma up early praying to the Lord to protect my children and bring them through this well. For it is very clear to me how there is no guarantee that anyone will grow old. There is no guarantee that my children will be fine. This truth is terrifying, and often sends me into the tailspin of anxiety. And yet, I keep making myself turn to the Lord also knowing that God has numbered each one of our days. It was no accident that Josh died when he did. God had numbered the days of his life before one of them came to be. At this point as much as I wish he was still here, and know that God is mourning with us, Josh is ultimately right where he is supposed to be- with Jesus. He has numbered my children's days as well. So I go into this day praying desperately, but also making a choice to trust in the sovereignty of the Lord. For to who else is there to turn but to my God who promises good for me and my family. To my God who loves my children more than I could ever. To my God who knows my heart and loves me.
Pray with me for my children. Pray that the surgery would go well. Pray that they would come out of anesthesia well. Pray that they would have no ill effects from the medications. Pray they would take their medications and drink lots. Pray that they would have little to no pain. Pray they don't have to deal with the residual ear pain. Pray they would sleep well at night. Pray they would have good attitudes each day with no whining and crying. Pray that their recovery is the most speedy and amazing of any children ever. ;) Pray that God would give me an extra measure of grace, patience and selfless love for them. Please pray.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;all your days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:16
Thursday, August 31, 2017
Monday, August 28, 2017
First day
Today was all of our first day back to school for the 2017-18 school year. Well actually I have been back for a few weeks, but it is my students' first day back so it counts! I knew going in that this would be a rough one for us all. Since we tend to have the same first days back, Josh has always taken the back to school pictures and driven them to school. Since I have to go to work so early on my first day, the kids spent the night at my sister's house so she could take them in the morning. Last night was tough as the realization that daddy wouldn't be taking them really set in. Rocking them in my sister's big old rocking chair singing the same songs I sang them as babies to still their fears and tears, I once again sang of "I love you Lord" and "When I am afraid, I will trust in you". Singing, praying, and crying with them as we rocked and hugged and cuddled grieving together. For how else do you comfort your now child size baby whose hearts are breaking.
And yet, with the morning came the excitement, nervousness and joy of meeting new teachers, seeing favorite friends and reveling in being another year older in school. Their smiles of delight brightened my soul as my sister sent me pictures of their smiling faces. The stories of first day fun brought relief and reminders that with each day there is pain but also joy in the present and just around the corner. Praising God for this new school year and praying they grow in knowing and loving God more intimately and deeply, maturing in social and emotional ways, developing even more loving friendships... along with learning all the reading, writing and arithmetic!
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
And yet, with the morning came the excitement, nervousness and joy of meeting new teachers, seeing favorite friends and reveling in being another year older in school. Their smiles of delight brightened my soul as my sister sent me pictures of their smiling faces. The stories of first day fun brought relief and reminders that with each day there is pain but also joy in the present and just around the corner. Praising God for this new school year and praying they grow in knowing and loving God more intimately and deeply, maturing in social and emotional ways, developing even more loving friendships... along with learning all the reading, writing and arithmetic!
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
Sunday, August 27, 2017
grace
I haven't posted for awhile and each day I plan on it and then the day is over and I am too exhausted to do anything but climb into bed and close my eyes for the night. I keep thinking I will have more time tomorrow... more time to rest, to read, to spent with God, to walk, to spend quality time with the kids, and then the day is over and I'm lucky to do 1 if not two things on the list. I know this back to school season of life is always busy and part of it is just getting through this initial crazy busyness, but I have been struggling with how overwhelming it has been this year. I just keep thinking it will get easier. And then I read a blog post recently from a widow...
"A few summers ago, wrangling the schedule with kids as a new single parent, I remember telling my sister that as soon as I got through the next round of events, life would level out. Surely once the crisis was over, life would return to the full but manageable pace we'd had.
My wise sister stopped me. "Lisa? I think this is your new pace."
Thunk. As soon as she said them, the truth of her words hit home. I'd been kidding myself. How could one doing what two had been doing ever look the same? My expectations shifted- a healthy first step in finding a new rhythm. And after six years, while I've gotten used to the pace, I've no where near mastered it." - Lisa Appelo
OUCH! The truth of those words hit me like a ton of bricks. While I am soooo blessed with friends and family that help me so much in so many ways, it will never be Josh. And geez I miss him for so many reasons and ways that I can't even begin to explain.
The reality is that the pace of life will never be the same. "How could one doing what two had been doing ever look the same?" It can't. So with a deep breath I lean on friends and family to fill in those gaps where I fail. With a prayer I ask for grace where I fall short. And fall short I do on a daily basis. Failing repeatedly each day in what I used to do easily frustrates me to no end. So hard to have grace with myself when I feel like I'm constantly letting others and myself down. I praise God that he shows us boundless grace even though we so little deserve it.
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast. Ephesians 2:8-9
"A few summers ago, wrangling the schedule with kids as a new single parent, I remember telling my sister that as soon as I got through the next round of events, life would level out. Surely once the crisis was over, life would return to the full but manageable pace we'd had.
My wise sister stopped me. "Lisa? I think this is your new pace."
Thunk. As soon as she said them, the truth of her words hit home. I'd been kidding myself. How could one doing what two had been doing ever look the same? My expectations shifted- a healthy first step in finding a new rhythm. And after six years, while I've gotten used to the pace, I've no where near mastered it." - Lisa Appelo
OUCH! The truth of those words hit me like a ton of bricks. While I am soooo blessed with friends and family that help me so much in so many ways, it will never be Josh. And geez I miss him for so many reasons and ways that I can't even begin to explain.
The reality is that the pace of life will never be the same. "How could one doing what two had been doing ever look the same?" It can't. So with a deep breath I lean on friends and family to fill in those gaps where I fail. With a prayer I ask for grace where I fall short. And fall short I do on a daily basis. Failing repeatedly each day in what I used to do easily frustrates me to no end. So hard to have grace with myself when I feel like I'm constantly letting others and myself down. I praise God that he shows us boundless grace even though we so little deserve it.
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast. Ephesians 2:8-9
Sunday, August 6, 2017
Great is thy faithfulness
I love God's reminders of his faithfulness even in the midst of sorrow. The last week was a week of grief bursts, depression and moments of despair. It is overwhelming at these times. And yet, God has met me in these moments in both big and little ways. Even the sermon today was on Jeremiah and his lamentations about the desolation of Jerusalem, and yet how Jeremiah turned to God. I appreciate Jeremiah's utter honesty. His angst, sorrow, and grief. Yet, even in the midst he turns his eyes to God. It reminded me even all these years after Jeremiah wrote this of God's utter faithfulness, goodness and love for us. God is good. He is trustworthy. He is oh so faithful. There is hope. From Lamentations 3 comes the verse that I picked for Josh's headstone. "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases." The surrounded verses made up the verse from the funeral and message of that day.
"But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will have hope in him."
How beautiful to see a man in the depths of despair and sorrow lift his eyes to the Lord reminding himself and me of the Lord's steadfast love, his mercy, and faithfulness. In Christ alone is there hope. I praise God for this reminder today through the sermon, the hymn 'Great is Thy Faithfulness" and even through the Holy Spirit's prompting of one of our church members to offer an unexpected gift after service.... just another reminder of God's faithfulness.
PS I love this you tube version link of "Great Is Thy Faithfulness".
17
my soul is bereft of peace;
I have forgotten what happiness[a] is;
18 so I say, “My endurance has perished;
so has my hope from the Lord.”
I have forgotten what happiness[a] is;
18 so I say, “My endurance has perished;
so has my hope from the Lord.”
19 Remember my affliction and my wanderings,
the wormwood and the gall!
20 My soul continually remembers it
and is bowed down within me.
21 But this I call to mind,
and therefore I have hope:
the wormwood and the gall!
20 My soul continually remembers it
and is bowed down within me.
21 But this I call to mind,
and therefore I have hope:
22 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;[b]
his mercies never come to an end;
23 they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”
his mercies never come to an end;
23 they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”
25 The Lord is good to those who wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.
26 It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the Lord.
27 It is good for a man that he bear
the yoke in his youth.
to the soul who seeks him.
26 It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the Lord.
27 It is good for a man that he bear
the yoke in his youth.
28 Let him sit alone in silence
when it is laid on him;
29 let him put his mouth in the dust—
there may yet be hope;
30 let him give his cheek to the one who strikes,
and let him be filled with insults.
when it is laid on him;
29 let him put his mouth in the dust—
there may yet be hope;
30 let him give his cheek to the one who strikes,
and let him be filled with insults.
31 For the Lord will not
cast off forever,
32 but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion
according to the abundance of his steadfast love;
33 for he does not afflict from his heart
or grieve the children of men.
cast off forever,
32 but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion
according to the abundance of his steadfast love;
33 for he does not afflict from his heart
or grieve the children of men.
34 To crush underfoot
all the prisoners of the earth,
35 to deny a man justice
in the presence of the Most High,
36 to subvert a man in his lawsut,
the Lord does not approve.
all the prisoners of the earth,
35 to deny a man justice
in the presence of the Most High,
36 to subvert a man in his lawsut,
the Lord does not approve.
37 Who has spoken and it came to pass,
unless the Lord has commanded it?
38 Is it not from the mouth of the Most High
that good and bad come?
39 Why should a living man complain,
a man, about the punishment of his sins?
unless the Lord has commanded it?
38 Is it not from the mouth of the Most High
that good and bad come?
39 Why should a living man complain,
a man, about the punishment of his sins?
40 Let us test and examine our ways,
and return to the Lord!
41 Let us lift up our hearts and hands
to God in heaven:
42 “We have transgressed and rebelled,
and you have not forgiven.
and return to the Lord!
41 Let us lift up our hearts and hands
to God in heaven:
42 “We have transgressed and rebelled,
and you have not forgiven.
43 “You have wrapped yourself with anger and pursued us,
killing without pity;
44 you have wrapped yourself with a cloud
so that no prayer can pass through.
45 You have made us scum and garbage
among the peoples.
killing without pity;
44 you have wrapped yourself with a cloud
so that no prayer can pass through.
45 You have made us scum and garbage
among the peoples.
46 “All our enemies
open their mouths against us;
47 panic and pitfall have come upon us,
devastation and destruction;
48 my eyes flow with rivers of tears
because of the destruction of the daughter of my peop
open their mouths against us;
47 panic and pitfall have come upon us,
devastation and destruction;
48 my eyes flow with rivers of tears
because of the destruction of the daughter of my peop
49 “My eyes will flow without ceasing,
without respite,
50 until the Lord from heaven
looks down and sees;
51 my eyes cause me grief
at the fate of all the daughters of my city.
without respite,
50 until the Lord from heaven
looks down and sees;
51 my eyes cause me grief
at the fate of all the daughters of my city.
52 “I have been hunted like a bird
by those who were my enemies without cause;
53 they flung me alive into the pit
and cast stones on me;
54 water closed over my head;
I said, ‘I am lost.’
by those who were my enemies without cause;
53 they flung me alive into the pit
and cast stones on me;
54 water closed over my head;
I said, ‘I am lost.’
55 “I called on your name, O Lord,
from the depths of the pit;
56 you heard my plea, ‘Do not close
your ear to my cry for help!’
57 You came near when I called on you;
you said, ‘Do not fear!’
from the depths of the pit;
56 you heard my plea, ‘Do not close
your ear to my cry for help!’
57 You came near when I called on you;
you said, ‘Do not fear!’
Friday, August 4, 2017
Decisions
Making decisions has never been my strong point. Josh dying and having to make all these decisions by myself has been insanely hard. All spring and summer we had appointments with the ENT due to the kid's large tonsils. They are huge! At this point the ENT has all three scheduled to have their tonsils taken out right before Labor Day weekend. I am terrified. Terrified of all the what ifs. Terrified of the recovery. Terrified of the horror stories happening to my babes. I keep debating whether we should wait until spring to have it or just do it this fall. I am not sure what is best for my kiddos- another winter of Strep constantly or missing school this fall. Caleb's very favorite weekend of the year is up north for Labor Day and he will be miserably recovering from surgery. I feel like the biggest heel in the world. I tried to move the dates to any other long weekend and none worked out. :( So I am still sitting here praying and seeking the Lord's guidance to direct my steps. Please pray with me for guidance and wisdom of what to do and when, health for my children, and a good surgery and speedy recovery for all three with minimal pain.
If any of your lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. James 1:5
When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. Psalm 94:19
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