Anger

Parenting is hard. Parenting without Josh feels like an overwhelming weight I cannot bear. There are so many times already in a years time that I think, this isn’t my job. This part is Josh’s job. He isn’t here to do his job. So I am left to do it alone. And I am mad. Overwhelmingly furiously angry. I don’t want to do this without Josh. I am mad there is no one else that loves or knows my children the way a parent knows and loves their child here to parent or make decisions or discipline or love them. I hate parenting alone. I already second guess everything I do and now I don’t have my other half to figure it out together.
I am angry that our future, our dreams, our life that we had and had planned is all gone in an instant. So much of my life is in a moment adrift. I want my husband who dreamed and walked life along with me here. I miss his smile, his laugh, his calm logic, his hugs, his talking me off the ledge, his firm discipline, his love.  The ache to have him here feels like it is ripping my heart in two. This week has been awful, buried under a suffocating blanket of grief. My soul is downcast and my heart is troubled with worries about my children, our future, our present. Pray for us.

Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. Psalm 43:5

Inadequate

Parenting alone. Can I say how inadequate I feel. Today especially it hit home as how to handle conflict between kids, and discipline, and school, and sickness, and bedtimes, and so many other things I can't even begin to describe them. I'm disappointed in behaviors, and am at a loss of how to parent my loves well. I don't know how to do this without Josh. I question everything I say and do, afraid I am going to screw them up.  I throw a quick prayer up to God a thousand times a day begging for patience and wisdom before I lose it over just one more moment of bickering or whining or fighting.  And then I do lose it as I start lecturing at 8:30pm that 'I am serious that it is time to be done playing night ninja in the pitch dark AND wind down for bed now'.  Of course this means that I am met with tears, and 'it is not fairs' and 'you promised to play a game with us' woes. So on we go with quick games, drying tears, and hugs. I'm tired. So tired. And  just when I think they are finally in bed, instead my energizer bunny girls have come back in every five minutes for some other urgent matter to report.  I am weary. So inadequate. Lord please help.

Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9