With that said, I'm not saying I thought I was a horrible mother. It is just that I have this vision of what a good mother looks like. A good mother is patient, kind, never yells, doesn't lose her temper, cares for her children always, gets up in the middle of the night without a problem, keeps her house clean while having dinner on the table, is engaged with her children, plays with them on their level, and teaches them in fun and interesting ways. Oh and did I mention that she should also work out, have time to spend with God, and work.
Needless to say, I do not live up to this image of motherhood. I think back to the last 4 years of motherhood and honestly disliked myself and the whole thing for the first 2 years of it. It was SO much HARDER that I could have ever imagined. It tested me to my breaking point. Twin preemies, nursing night and day, sleepless nights (I do not function well without sleep), no time to even take a shower, 3 kids under 3...... I felt so helpless and angry. I should love every minute with them, not dread being alone with them. I should say without hesitation that I love motherhood, not that the first year of motherhood was the worst year of my life. I would lose my temper and then feel horrible for yelling at them. I would get so frustrated and impatient with their accidents, whining, crying, and never ending need of me. Yet, those are the facts and that made me feel like the worst mother ever. I loved them, but often I felt like it was more than I could bear.
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| Kay and Grace playing with their dolls (clearly the house is a mess and I have loads of laundry to do). |
I have been trying to think of what has changed to make me feel not so bad about motherhood. Josh and I took a marriage class this summer where we had to put into practice each week an aspect of love highlighted in 1 Corinthians 13:6-7, "Love is patient, love is kind, it does envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. It keeps not record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always hopes, always projects, always trusts, always perseveres." It has made such a difference in my relationship both my Josh and my kids. I am not saying that I have it down by any means, but I have grown in these areas with my family in leaps and bounds through the grace of God. I am not perfected, but I am growing. I can honestly say that I am more patient with the kids, that I don't get as angry as quickly, that I try to love them through the way that God has broken it down for us.
I realize I do not feel like a better mother because my house is always clean, or because I have gotten the whole thing down. I feel like a better mother because God has helped me love my dear children better. To love them more like he loves them.
I also realize I have balanced taking care of myself and them a bit better. I have been doing a quiet time everyday and trying to work out a couple times a week (canceling cable has helped with this). I also have started this pre3 homeschool program with the girls. It has helped so much to have quality activities to do with them that I can be actively involved in. I struggle with getting down and playing with the girls, but this is something they love and I can do with them. I genuinely like being home with them. Of course the other side of things is giving myself a break on my list of expectations of motherhood. I will probably never have a 24-7 pristine house (even though I wish), I will still lose my temper (even though I am growing in this), I will probably never be as good as my husband at getting down on the ground and playing with them (though I shall continue to try). In the meantime, I can say that I am a mother actively growing in love (the 1 Corinthians kind) with my children each day through God's help..... and that is what makes me a good mother. (Now just to remind myself of that daily) ;)
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