Mood swings

I started this morning unable to get out of bed. Seriously the kids and I climbed out of bed at 8:15 and we had to leave at 8:30am. Needless to say we were late for school.  I had BSF this morning. I love going to Bible Study. It's one of my favorite things each week. However, I knew going in this was going to be a tough one. Lazarus. Need I say more.  The questions of why can Jesus save one and not another.  Why did he not save Josh? Jesus wept. Does Jesus weep for me? Does Jesus weep for my children who are without a daddy? Does Jesus weep for a mother without a son?  And yet, the comfort brought by those words, "Jesus wept".  He weeps for me. He weeps for my children. He weeps for mothers.  How can I believe that our compassionate and loving God would do any less for me, his child as he did on that long ago day with Martha and Mary. Needless to say, I did a lot of crying this morning.

Afternoon hit with a flurry of tasks. Today's task was going through my filing cabinet and shredding and filing documents, along with getting tax stuff ready. It was only made bearable by the help of two friends who bore through the files with me. It amazes me sometimes how easily angered I can get over things. I called Kay's doctor yesterday morning at 8am and they finally returned my call at 3pm today to let me now that I needed to schedule another appointment sometime this week. I was ticked! Then I got on the phone with the coroner's office and they told me they won't know the cause of death for 12 weeks!! Last time I was told 4-6 weeks. My patience with things like that is just shot. To say I was irritable and angry for much of the afternoon is an understatement. You can tell I was a lot of fun to be around!

However, fast forward two hours and I was having a great time. We had a science activity night at the kids' school and it was so fun seeing the kids play with their friends, learn about science, and talk to other friend moms.  Suddenly the world was okay again. 

BUT then I went to a group grief counseling session I signed up for right after the funeral. Tonight was the first night. I walked in feeling on a high from the science fair..... only to have it come crashing down in waves of unbearable grief as I stared at the photo I had brought of Josh and I together, laughing and smiling on the beach in California. Our last vacation together. Hearing the grief process that I know so well being described and it being me. Sharing about Josh's life and death. Thinking I had it together and then within two words not being able to but squeak out a few words between sobs. I know that it is healthy and good to lean into grief. I know that there isn't a script or a right way to grieve. I know that I have to have patience  and grace for myself. But geez, it is hard.  I did laugh as one of the emotions of grief lists an "excessive need to tell your story".  Hmmm... it could maybe be describing me just a tad. Originally I started writing again to help communicate with family and friends about how things were going. But also because I need to communicate.  I need a record of life now. I need to get all that is in my head and heart down on paper because my memory and thoughts are so jumbled and fleeting so often. However I realize the main reason I write is because I love to know and be known.  

To know and be known. 

My beloved is not here.  Yet my Lord knows me, he weeps, and calls me by name. 

The sheep hear his voice; and he calls them by name and leads them out. He goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. John 10:3

But now, thus says the Lord who created you, O Jacob. And he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; You are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; Isaiah 43:1-2