Today is a day of anxiety and overwhelming sadness. I made myself go to the exercise class in hopes it would help some. Instead as I went through the motions, my head just kept swimming with images of Josh on the couch. Josh not breathing, Josh dying before my very eyes as I frantically tried to save him. But failed. I have had every day these same images and experiences reliving that day, but it's been more like a silent movie that you are a spectator at, anaylzing and trying to figure it out. Today I was there. Today I could feel the panic. Today I could feel the helplessness again. Today I could feel the pure grief. My heart pounding. My head spinning. My eyes unable to focus on anything but him. So I sit and sob. Unable to stop thinking. Stop seeing. Stop feeling.
Even thought I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me. Psalm 23:4
You made a very good choice to go to the exercise class. Staying busy will be your ally. But I also know you need time to yourself to grieve in privacy (or at least I would). This is one of the first days you have had where the kids are at school and you are home alone. That quiet time although sought after may be more difficult than the busyness of being a mom. I read somewhere to schedule time each day to grieve... and then to try to spend the rest of the day focused on staying busy and moving forward. We all grieve in different ways but I feel like this would help me...
ReplyDeleteCome to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28.