Order in chaos

It is hard not to feel like my whole world has been thrown into chaos.  Between Josh not being here, changing bills, so many unknowns, transitioning my kiddos back to school, sickness all around, and thinking of going back to work, I can hardly catch my breath before the next area of my life is hectic and out of control. I keep praying God would hold me in this chaos and keep me steady as my feet have slipped from beneath me, but man it's hard! This weekend I was blessed by having some order brought by friends and family. They came and in a whirlwind of purpose and activity transformed my basement and garage into places of order.  I LOVE organization and neatness. It makes me laugh to think of when Josh and I first got married and lived together for the first time. I was coming from living with Ana and Lois who modeled clean and orderly living. Josh was coming from the boys house... um let's just say it was less than clean and organized. Our two worlds and ways of living collided in a crash. And yet, he taught me to let go, ease up, be okay with some chaos and dirty clothes on the floor.  He approached life with such a laid back attitude in everything. He seldom worried, never fretted and always went with the flow.  He'd hold me and listen to me as I was anxious or craving order, and always pointed me back to trusting God in the midst. Oh how I could use his hug and word of wisdom right now.

I thought this weekends project of working on the kitchen and basement would be safe from tears. I was more than happy to have some order brought to areas of our house that will help the kids be able to play in the basement all winter long and make our dream kitchen complete. Our kitchen had a few last touches that needed finishing. Josh and his step-dad had planned to finish those touches this weekend as they talked over Christmas. I was so excited to get the kitchen complete and yet as we worked I kept picturing Josh being there, cutting up board, nailing up cupboards, rolling his eyes as I can't make up my mind about which light I like best. Oh how I miss him. I really thought working on the basement would be at least safe. Nothing in the basement reminded me of Josh... until we opened a bin of our prenatal classes and I saw his doodling, or when I found his 4th grade social studies project, or when the frame of his baby feet and birth date were found by his mom. So we cried. And we hugged. And we mourned. Even as we cleaned up a basement.

And yet there were such blessings in the friendships, memories shared, company and love.