Mire

Weekends are hard. Yesterday was one of those hard days. I woke up at 5am and couldn't stop crying for the next four hours. If you saw a grown woman crying into her ice cream cone at McDonalds than you probably saw me! I topped the day off by yelling at all three of my children for being mean to each other as we were trying to make Josh a Father's Day gift. UGH! Why did I even bother?! I was having a horrible time of it.  I don't know if it really is caused by it being the weekend, but I am definitely noticing a correlation between too much home time to horrid days. I know that people say to lean into grief when it hits, instead of running from it. Well yesterday I tried... I journaled, I prayed, I read my Bible, I took a walk.... I realized that part of me thought if I did these things that I'd start to feel better. Yet, as the day went on I just felt worse and worse. The weight of grief just wouldn't let up. I began to feel so frustrated that I was feeling so horrid when I was trying to do it all right. About half way through the day, I realized that part of my issue was that I was expecting leaning into grief and spending time there in hopefully healthy ways didn't mean that the horridness of the day would go away. Part of grieving is spending time in those pits of grief, not alone, but with a Savior that will sit with me in those pits. My desire is to run from it or to bed God  to take away the pain and sorrow. However, he doesn't promise to remove the grief. He does promise to comfort, to sit with me in the muck and mire, and to hold me in the midst. In that there is solace. So in summary, yesterday really sucked!

Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in th miry depths, where there is no foothold. I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me. I am worn out calling for help; my throat is parched. My eyes fail, looking for my God..... But I pray to you, Lord, in the time of your favor; in your great love, O God, answer me with your sure salvation. Rescue me from the mire; do not let me sink; do not let the floodwaters engulf me or the depths swallow me up or the pit close its mouth over me. Answer me, Lord, out of the goodness of your love; in your great mercy turn to me.... I will praise God's name in song and gorify him with thanksgiving. This will please the Lord. Psalm 69