grace

I haven't posted for awhile and each day I plan on it and then the day is over and I am too exhausted to do anything but climb into bed and close my eyes for the night. I keep thinking I will have more time tomorrow... more time to rest, to read, to spent with God, to walk, to spend quality time with the kids, and then the day is over and I'm lucky to do 1 if not two things on the list. I know this back to school season of life is always busy and part of it is just getting through this initial crazy busyness, but I have been struggling with how overwhelming it has been this year. I just keep thinking it will get easier. And then I read a blog post recently from a widow...

"A few summers ago, wrangling the schedule with kids as a new single parent, I remember telling my sister that as soon as I got through the next round of events, life would level out. Surely once the crisis was over, life would return to the full but manageable pace we'd had.

My wise sister stopped me. "Lisa? I think this is your new pace."

Thunk. As soon as she said them, the truth of her words hit home. I'd been kidding myself. How could one doing what two had been doing ever look the same? My expectations shifted- a healthy first step in finding a new rhythm. And after six years, while I've gotten used to the pace, I've no where near mastered it."  - Lisa Appelo

OUCH! The truth of those words hit me like a ton of bricks. While I am soooo blessed with friends and family that help me so much in so many ways, it will never be Josh. And geez I miss him for so many reasons and ways that I can't even begin to explain.

The reality is that the pace of life will never be the same. "How could one doing what two had been doing ever look the same?" It can't.  So with a deep breath I lean on friends and family to fill in those gaps where I fail.  With a prayer I ask for grace where I fall short. And fall short I do on a daily basis. Failing repeatedly each day in what I used to do easily frustrates me to no end. So hard to have grace with myself when I feel like I'm constantly letting others and myself down. I praise God that he shows us boundless grace even though we so little deserve it.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast. Ephesians 2:8-9

Great is thy faithfulness

I love God's reminders of his faithfulness even in the midst of sorrow. The last week was a week of grief bursts, depression and moments of despair. It is overwhelming at these times. And yet, God has met me in these moments in both big and little ways. Even the sermon today was on Jeremiah and his lamentations about the desolation of Jerusalem, and yet how Jeremiah turned to God.  I appreciate Jeremiah's utter honesty. His angst, sorrow, and grief. Yet, even in the midst he turns his eyes to God.  It reminded me even all these years after Jeremiah wrote this of God's utter faithfulness, goodness and love for us. God is good. He is trustworthy. He is oh so faithful. There is hope. From Lamentations 3 comes the verse that I picked for Josh's headstone. "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases." The surrounded verses made up the verse from the funeral and message of that day.

 "But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will have hope in him."  

How beautiful to see a man in the depths of despair  and sorrow lift his eyes to the Lord reminding himself and me of the Lord's steadfast love, his mercy, and faithfulness. In Christ alone is there hope. I praise God for this reminder today through the sermon, the hymn 'Great is Thy Faithfulness" and even through the Holy Spirit's prompting of one of our church members to offer an unexpected gift after service.... just another reminder of God's faithfulness. 

PS I love this you tube version link of "Great Is Thy Faithfulness".

https://youtu.be/dm-KsLytcW0

17 

my soul is bereft of peace;
    I have forgotten what happiness[a] is;
18 so I say, “My endurance has perished;
    so has my hope from the Lord.”

19 Remember my affliction and my wanderings,
    the wormwood and the gall!
20 My soul continually remembers it
    and is bowed down within me.
21 But this I call to mind,
    and therefore I have hope:

22 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;[b]
    his mercies never come to an end;
23 they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
24 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
    “therefore I will hope in him.”

25 The Lord is good to those who wait for him,
    to the soul who seeks him.
26 It is good that one should wait quietly
    for the salvation of the Lord.
27 It is good for a man that he bear
    the yoke in his youth.

28 Let him sit alone in silence
    when it is laid on him;
29 let him put his mouth in the dust—
    there may yet be hope;
30 let him give his cheek to the one who strikes,
    and let him be filled with insults.

31 For the Lord will not
    cast off forever,
32 but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion
    according to the abundance of his steadfast love;
33 for he does not afflict from his heart
    or grieve the children of men.

34 To crush underfoot
    all the prisoners of the earth,
35 to deny a man justice
    in the presence of the Most High,
36 to subvert a man in his lawsut,
    the Lord does not approve.

37 Who has spoken and it came to pass,
    unless the Lord has commanded it?
38 Is it not from the mouth of the Most High
    that good and bad come?
39 Why should a living man complain,
    a man, about the punishment of his sins?

40 Let us test and examine our ways,
    and return to the Lord!
41 Let us lift up our hearts and hands
    to God in heaven:
42 “We have transgressed and rebelled,
    and you have not forgiven.

43 “You have wrapped yourself with anger and pursued us,
    killing without pity;
44 you have wrapped yourself with a cloud
    so that no prayer can pass through.
45 You have made us scum and garbage
    among the peoples.

46 “All our enemies
    open their mouths against us;
47 panic and pitfall have come upon us,
    devastation and destruction;
48 my eyes flow with rivers of tears
    because of the destruction of the daughter of my peop

49 “My eyes will flow without ceasing,
    without respite,
50 until the Lord from heaven
    looks down and sees;
51 my eyes cause me grief
    at the fate of all the daughters of my city.

52 “I have been hunted like a bird
    by those who were my enemies without cause;
53 they flung me alive into the pit
    and cast stones on me;
54 water closed over my head;
    I said, ‘I am lost.’

55 “I called on your name, O Lord,
    from the depths of the pit;
56 you heard my plea, ‘Do not close
    your ear to my cry for help!’
57 You came near when I called on you;
    you said, ‘Do not fear!’

Decisions

Making decisions has never been my strong point. Josh dying and having to make all these decisions by myself has been insanely hard. All spring and summer we had appointments with the ENT due to the kid's large tonsils. They are huge! At this point the ENT has all three scheduled to have their tonsils taken out right before Labor Day weekend. I am terrified. Terrified of all the what ifs. Terrified of the recovery. Terrified of the horror stories happening to my babes. I keep debating whether we should wait until spring to have it or just do it this fall. I am not sure what is best for my kiddos- another winter of Strep constantly or missing school this fall. Caleb's very favorite weekend of the year is up north for Labor Day and he will be miserably recovering from surgery. I feel like the biggest heel in the world. I tried to move the dates to any other long weekend and none worked out. :(   So I am still sitting here praying and seeking the Lord's guidance to direct my steps. Please pray with me for guidance and wisdom of what to do and when, health for my children, and a good surgery and speedy recovery for all three with minimal pain.

If any of your lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. James 1:5

When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. Psalm 94:19

Needs

I have realized some things over the last few weeks about things I need to stay sane. I need my walk everyday. It allows me to breath and to pray and to be alone. Second I need time with God. The moment that I stop spending time with him, I can barely function. Gracious he is truly the one to cling to in this time. Which leads me to my third need. I need alone/ down  time each day. This I find kind of funny since most of the time I want to be surrounded by people. I love having people around and my house full. However, I realize that if I don't have time to be alone and just process or sit or just be, I start to lose it. I can feel the anxiety and irritation rising. I feel like a caged animal seeking escape after awhile. So strange to me, but definitely true. Sometimes I feel like I can barely handle the days emotions and stressors, but if I get some time then I can be ok. It makes me think about how I am going to survive fall and the mad dash back into school and work craziness. Schedules are helpful but I really need to build in downtime too. This can be extremely challenging with homework and activities. Praying for balance ... for both the kids and I. That we have time and the space to be rooted solidly in Christ receiving his life giving refreshment.

They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. IT does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit. Jeremiah 17:8

1. 
   

camping

The last week we went to Josh's hometown to visit family. The last few years the kids and I would go out for the whole week while Josh would come for the weekends on either end and work during the week. The kids love the opportunity to play all week with cousins, ride horses and cuddle with grandparents. It is always a fun week. This week we did something different and went to Jellystone Campground for two nights. It was so fun. The water slides and play places were awesome! Josh and I had actually gone there with his mom when the girls were just a year or so old. We walked in and I could just picture him there laying in the the shallow water with the girls sitting on him in their little pink body suits. It took me a bit to get myself out of the funk of what used to be and into the present. Thankfully by the grace of God I was able to eventually get out of it and enjoy the time together with family. The girls loved going down the slides with me and all three were thrilled to go down the big water slides together. I love that they are big enough to go on the slides. It is so much fun to play with them in this way on things that we all enjoy doing together.  We had moments of being super hot, tired, dirty and crabby, but overall we had a great time. I am thankful that we had this time together creating good memories, enjoying the campfires, sunshine, and family.

Give thanks to the Lord,
call upon his name,
make known his deeds among the peoples,
proclaim that his name is exalted.
- Isaiah 12:4

13 years ago

When we said our vows 13 year ago to love, honor, obey, I never imagined I would be I'd already be at the to death do us part. Being an English major, I can't help but look for foreshadowing or God's hand throughout the years.  Even as I look back on our wedding, I think of picking "Blessed be the Name of the Lord" as one of the songs we sang.   I don't know quite why we picked the songs we did, other than the Holy Spirit's prompting. I remember singing along to Josh and God at the wedding  and getting to the lines, "Blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering. Though there's pain in the offering, blessed be your name. When the darkness closes in, Lord Still I will say Blessed be the Name of the Lord." At those lines I conciously remember the shot of fear, the quick prayer that it would not be for us, but also the certainty that life is marked with both blessings and suffering. No one, not one, escapes from pain. From suffering. From death. We had decided though, even back then that we were bless the Lord in the midst of this pain. That we would turn our face towards our Lord when those days came and that we would bless His name no matter what. I am thankful now for that covenant that we made to not just each other on our wedding day, but to the Lord. I am so thankful that even from the first day of our marriage that we sought to honor God with our lives together and now apart. For I do not know how I would survive these days without Josh, without the Lord by my side, walking this road, holding me in His hands, surrounding me with His love and comfort. We didn't have a perfect marriage, we fought, we bickered, we didn't see eye to eye on many things, but we did love the Lord. We did seek to raise our children to love and know Him. We did seek to point each other towards Christ each step of the way.

So for now I weep with my children at the loss of what was and will never be again. We weep for our dreamed about future that will never be. We weep for the anniversaries that will never be celebrated and the weddings he will never attend. Yet, we say, blessed be the name of the Lord.

I betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord. Hosea 2:19-20

The day before To death do us part.

13 years ago I was SUPER excited! Setting up the church with a white runner and the hall with bud vases filled with red roses. The sweet days before Pinterest and Say Yes to the Dress, when weddings were a bit more simple and had a lot less to be compared to. A day of wearing a seesucker white dress  and pink glittery sandals. A day of holding my dad's arm as he practiced walking me down the aisle and then beaming at Josh as we practiced our vows and walked up and down the aisle ten times. An evening at my parents house enjoying steak on the grill and swimming with friends and family. A day of girl talk giggling as I got to have sex for the first time ever the VERY NEXT DAY!  And of course a day of singing "I'm getting Married in the morning" on repeat the entire day.  Super excited. So young. So naive. So blessed. So in love.

13 years ago today... the day before we vowed before God, family and friends......to have and to hold, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health ........... until death do us part.

I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord. Hosea 2:19-20

6 months

Yesterday marked 6 months since I last saw Josh. How is it possible it has been 6 months?! The longest and shortest 6 months of my life. In one minute I can see, hear, and hug him and the next I can't. I feel like I am two people. The one who is wife, mother, beloved and the one who is widow, mother and alone.  Every story I tell has him part of it. How do you wake up one day and realize it has been 6 months since he's been part of a story.
We are in Josh's hometown with family for the weekend. It is good for all of us to eat, play and mourn together. Last night was a night of grilling out and playing with cousins. It was also a night of remembering. My sister-in-law brought paper lanterns. We had a slight delay as a storm blew through. The kids didn't mind though as they played in the rain soaking wet with foot races and kick ball fun. The little ones thought laying in the middle of the puddles on the asphalt drive was a perfect place to get warm. So funny!  I so appreciate the joy that children bring to any day. When the storm finally passed we were able to catch the end of the pink sunset before launching the lanterns.  We did half laugh at the challenge of lighting lanterns. It took a few trial runs before we felt comfortable working with the kids on doing it. When we did finally work out the kinks, the sky was lit with the beauty of fire, light and color.  We were able to share memories and favorite things about our Josh. I am so thankful to be able to cry and mourn with others who loved him so much as well.

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. -Romans 12:14

friends

It was a delightful week of fun with friends. One of my closest friends who I lived with before marrying Josh came to stay with me with her family. We had a great time talking, playing with the kids, and catching up. We also had a fun girls' night with our college friends and then a get together with all out college  friends and their families. Each Christmas Josh and I would host the elf party at our house with all our college friends and then in the summer when friends would come into town we would host a summer get together. Both Josh and I LOVED hosting and we worked well together as a team. I was in charge of getting the house ready, clean up and organization. He was in charge of whatever meat dish he desired to grill or smoke. It was definitely his specialty and his favorite part. At the elf party December he had decided to smoke a pork butt for pulled pork sandwiches after he got a stellar deal at Meijer. He had bought two because of how great a deal it was. It seemed only fitting that we use the second pork butt he had purchased at Christmas for the next gathering. I'm pretty sure in his mind he was planning to make it for a Super Bowl party but a summer IV gathering seems like a perfect place now to use it. He had even made a triple batch of his seasoning and we were able to use that too. The food, the friends, the kids, and birthday surprise all brought joy to my heart, so it took me completely off guard at how hard certain moments really were.  We went to pray for the meal and I almost burst into tears at the hole in the room. I wasn't prepared for the sharp pain it brought. Later I walked out back and took one glance at the men gathered around on the patio laughing and talking and had to turn back inside because the scene was so achingly familiar except Josh should have been standing right there at the grill with them.  He wasn't there. How the heartache that can come in an instant. It will always amaze me how a day can bring both overwhelming joy in being reunited with dear friends and a bittersweet ache of things lost.

Two are better than one,  because they have a good return for their work; If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! - Ecclesiastes's 4:9-10