Hiding

I’m in hiding. After three weeks straight of incredible anguish, grief and depression, I am hiding. Hiding from emotions, thoughts, memories, and feelings. The upside is that I get a brief reprieve from the stabbing grief. The downside is that it make all the good moment seem dull too. However, for the moment I will take it. December has been awful. I thought Josh’s birthday was going to be similar to other big days, horrible anticipatory grief leading up the day with a surprisingly ok day on the day of. Unfortunately, December 8 and all the weeks around it was the worse yet.  In all reality we had an ok day. Josh’s mom came and visited for the day. The kids and I played hooky from school (there was NO way that we would have made it through a school day). We made Josh’s favorite spicy molasses cookies. We went and put the grave blanket on at the cemetary.  It was so pretty with blue and silver ribbon that the kids picked out in Lion’s colors.  My sister did a great job making it. The kids wrote happy birthday cards to Josh and we tied them to helium balloons to let go at the cemetery. Family came over for Josh’s favorite pizza dinner and we talked and visited. Overall it was a fine day. Except for the fact that we were all so buried in grief our eyes could barely open properly from the crying. Except for the grief that left us all with little patience or grace for each other. Except for the missing that left us all with a giant hole in our hearts. It was a fine day except for the fact we were celebrating a birthday that never came. December 8 came and went and Josh never turned a year older, would never be 37, was not there to celebrate with us. And for this reason, it left us in pieces.
And now after three weeks of hell, I am trying desperately to hide ... it’s not quite working but I am trying.

I call on you, my God for you will answer me; turn your ear to me and hear my prayer....hide me in the shadow of your wings. Psalm 17:6-8

He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. Psalm 91:4

Sharp edges

How can a heart break over and over again. I don’t know how many nights 4am wakes me up feeling like my soul is being ripped in two.... too many to count. With Josh’s birthday in two days, Christmas quickly approaching and January 2 coming all too soon, the grief overwhelms each night and day. The nights with tears and the days with a haze from lack of sleep and beary eyes. I cringe at my lack of productivity this year in all areas of life: work, Girl Scouts, working with my children on school work, taking care of the house, spending quality time with my children, church..... this list just goes on and on. I try, but I just can’t do it. I am letting so many down. I feel like my whole life has been engulfed in grief and its reach leaves nothing untouched. This week has been the worst yet, which shouldn’t be a surprise.  I can barely function. The ache and pain that has been present this whole year is pierced by a pain that leaves me breathless with its sharpness. So ironic that as I approach one year, I would hope I would have some healing evident and yet I feel worse now than I ever have. Oh Lord I miss him so much. Surround us with your healing, comfort  and love, for you alone can truly provide it.

I found this song that made me both cry and smile a bit. It talks about Christmas without a loved one. Love the perspective of Josh with the son of God, the one we are celebrating during this time of year. If you’d like to hear the song by Craig Aven called “Son of God” click the link below to YouTube.

https://youtu.be/f3browtvP7k

John 14:1 -3  ““Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me.   My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?   And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.”

Romans 15:13  “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

10 years old

Ten years ago today, Josh and I welcomed two baby girls into the world. We had not found out their gender so it was quite the suprise when we found out that we had two baby girls. Oh the joy and love that we instantly had for those precious little ones. I think now of how much they have grown and matured in the last ten years. They are so similar in some ways and so different in others. My Grace, the eldest born through and through even though it is only by two minutes.  She is definitely my rule-follower, quick to fall into line and make sure everyone else is too. She loves to read, has such a quick memory like her daddy and is crazy smart. She is loyal, trustworthy and reliable. She is so responsible. She is a kind friend and takes care of those around her.  And then I have my Kayleigh, full of fun and adventure. She definitely has her daddy’s competitive streak.  She is so creative, always coming up with a fun activity or game, thinking she has the skills of a ninja warrior. A creative writer and so good artistic, her voice shines through her craft. She is kind and compassionate. Together they are a set of princess cat warriors, always pretending and playing. They are obsessed with cats and horses, begging daily to get one of each. Beautiful inside and out, they care for little ones like they are their own, mommying their cousins with love. They are smart and helpful. Beyond all that, they love the Lord and are resilient beyond my wildest dreams.  It takes my breath away thinking about how proud their daddy would be of them right now. They look to the Lord to be their strength and comfort, pointing me as well as others to look to the Lord and have joy in this day.   Please pray that my children continue to cling to the Lord as their comfort and strength.

I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth. 3 John 1:4

Widow rules

Widow rules. Everybody has them in some way or another. I even find I have them for myself. This often unspoken, not discussed set of rules that oftentimes we don’t even realize we have until they are broken. Even the best intentioned seem to have them somewhere. The problem is that they are like dodge ‘em.  At grief share this week, the widows shared some of the juxtaposing rules they have been told.

-You shouldn’t spend all day crying in your room.
- Wow, she’s going on vacation already.

- You can’t cry at work. You need to be professional.
 - You keep it together so well at work. You must be bottling it up. You should let it out.

-You need to take down all the pictures. It makes everyone sad to see him.

-Why would she take down her wedding picture?

-Why aren’t you around as much? You need to get out more.
- She goes out every Saturday like nothing has even happen. Must be nice.

- When are you going to be ready to date?
-Wow, you’re dating already?

- I can’t believe she can still live in the house where her husband died.
- I don’t know how she could so quickly leave the house she brought her babies home to. 

Who knew there were so many opinions on how to grieve and live as a widow!?!  And no, not all of these were spoken to me, but they were all spoken to at least one of my grieving family and widow friends. Anyone who is grieving gets at least some of these.  Half the time you have no clue you are breaking these sometimes spoken but oftentimes unspoken rules. Add to that they extra challenge that each person seems to have a different set of these rules, and I am pretty much up a creek without a paddle.  

 And sure, many are there to try to protect the grieving:

-Don’t make big financial decisions for at least one year.

-Don’t change jobs for at least a year.

-Don’t move for at least a year.

-Don’t marry for at least a year.
-Don’t do anything big for at least a year. 

  All rules that are there to try to protect us who are grieving. I get it. At the same time it can feel like a vice around living life. It makes me doubt every decision I make, like my brain is broken and suddenly I am impaired. It makes me question constantly if I’m doing grief right. And what is with one year? Is my brain impaired beyond use at ten months, but then suddenly comes back to full functioning when we hit the magician year mark?! Or that suddenly at one year we are perfectly fine and back to normal and “over it”? And don’t get me wrong, I have been AMAZINGLY blessed with supportive and loving family and friends. After hearing some of the the things that my other widow friends have been told, I count myself one of the lucky ones. I don’t hear even a tenth of these things. And I am sure that at times I am projecting what I assume others are thinking when they make certain comments. And even then, I get there is a reason for many of these ‘rules’. 

 In many ways I understand the rules. There is a fear and projection that naturally goes on when someone loses a loved one to imagine what we would do if we were in that situation. On one hand we don’t want our loved ones to be sad forever so we want them to move forward. Yet, we don’t want to think that there is any love like ours or that we can just move on easily. The truth is that there is no moving on.  Life is forever altered. Yes, we walk forward. We have to walk forward, we have to chose joy, we have to choose life or else we will die while we yet live. Yet nothing can replace the man I married and loved for 12 years. Nothing can replicate the feeling of being small and safe and loved that my children experienced every time they crawled up into his lap or swung from his arms. Nothing can fill the void left when it is that large. We grieve this loss in the best way we know how. We cling to the Lord praying he will hold us in the midst and fill the giant void that is left. 

I have lived 10 months trying to not break these widow rules. Trying to grieve the right way.  Asking everyone’s opinion of everything. Second guessing everything I do. Fretting and worrying about accidentally breaking one. Wondering if I am grieving right. And even while desperately trying to keep them all I managed to break them. I am done. Is my life and brain still greatly impacted by the loss of Josh. YES!  Yes, I can’t remember names. Yes, I forget things constantly. Yes, I get overwhelmed by even the simple task of taking my dog to the vet.  Yet, we are surviving. I deal with these things as they come. I ask for help when I need it and accept it  with thanks when it’s offered. I say no when it’s too much. I take care of my children. I seek wise counsel. And oh how I pray for God’s grace and wisdom daily. I make decisions for my family daily to the best of my ability.  And when its all too much I go outside and run and pray and seek the Lord some more. All that to say, trust me to grieve the best way for us. Trust me to make decisions that are the best for my family and I. Trust the Lord to guide our steps to what he has planned for us.

For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 

A Father’s note

Every year in third grade the students receive a Bible from the school that is presented from their parents. Each parent writes a special note to their child in the front of the Bible and prays over their child during the chapel service. I praise God for the blessing that has been to my girls. They each have a handwritten note from their father to them specifically noting who they are in his eyes, how much he loves them and his desire to have them know and love the Lord. This is a gift that is irreplaceable. It honestly scares me that they keep it all day at school since it the greatest treasure they have, and yet I love that they can open their Bible at school any time and read the love both their Heavenly Father and daddy had for them in their Words.

In the same way, my heart breaks that Caleb does not have that. He has no special note written to him. He was loved, but oh how I wish I had something for Caleb that would be written just for him from his daddy.  Please go home and write a note to your child telling them how much you love them, what you see in them, what you pray for them. They need those notes. No one ever knows how much a note from you to your child may mean to them one day. I do know for my girls it is the greatest treasure their daddy left.   

   How great is the love the Father has lavished on us that we should be called children of God. 1 John 3:!

Nine months .... and children

Today its been 9 months since Josh died. It sometimes surprises me what hits hard. For some reason this 9 month mark has hit harder than most. It probably didn’t help that today my facebook feed popped up with pictures of Josh and I very pregnant ten years ago at our baby shower for the girls. Ten years!! How is that even possible?! How does time go so quickly and slowly all at the same time.

Well, definitely fell asleep before finishing the above post.... So fast forward a day and I need to brag on how incredible my kids are. The kids beat me home off the bus today. I came home to dinner on the table. They had made a meat and cheese cracker tray, Mac and cheese, and my favorite which was apples cut up in a bowl in the shape of a flower with the peanut butter in middle. The table was set and they were so excited to surprise me. They even led us in prayer to start dinner. Be still my heart!  Each morning they independently get themselves up, dressed, teeth brushed without me even having to ask or direct any of it. Half the time I am finishing up my morning walk or in the shower getting ready myself. They pack their lunches each night. They complete their homework by themselves and rarely do I have to follow up to see if it is done. They do three chores each Saturday that include cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming, folding laundry, etc. They eagerly seek to take communion and ask me daily the tough questions to discuss.They are amazing and I praise God that he has blessed me so. And then I weep because they shouldn’t have to do all this at 7 and 9. And they wouldn’t be if Josh was alive. Yet, I’m so proud of how much they have grown and risen to the challenges of life. They are learning skills and growing in independence in ways  that I see teens and adults even struggle to accomplish. I love seeing them see needs and care for each other and others. And yes they are kids like any other kids who bicker, fight, whine, crab, and cry. Yet, I am so proud of the young men and women I can see them becoming. I am so proud of how they are growing in their faith daily. Please pray that they continue to grow in their walk with God and in maturing each day.

Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him. Psalm 127:3

On choosing joy

In this season of grief, we have been really challenged daily on our attitude. It is so easy to fall into the poor me, this sucks, life isn’t fair blahs. The kid and I have all been really struggling with this lately. In all reality life feels really hard for all of us right now. Each day there are a hundred reminders of Josh’s absence, and with that even days filled with fun activities can feel hard. It is like there is a shadow cast on even the best adventure. And yes, we smile and laugh and have fun, and yet there is a note of sadness, and grieving, and missing Josh that sneaks into even the most joyous activity. Monday the kids and I went to a Red Wings game with my mom. It was a blast! We ate pizza, explored the awesome new stadium, sang along to every song, and cheered loudly at every game winning goal. Yet darting arrows of always shocking grief hit at even the most enjoyable of times. For as we have such fun, we also glance over and see where Josh would have sat with his knees up to his chin with the tight leg room, see where he’d have sat with Caleb plopped on his lap, and see his fist bump when they scored each goal. How do we go to any game and not see him as if he’s there when he’s the man who LOVED sporting events?  And so the shadow of what was and what is no longer casts its long shadow over everything we do. Shadows... along with darting arrows of sharp, unexpected grief that shock us with its intensity and surprise. With that we mourn and cry, and put on brave faces and smile in the midst.

And yet, it’s hard to choose joy when there are both the long shadows and unexpected darting arrows of grief that suprise at every turn. So often we want to stomp and pout and rail against God. We want to dwell in the negative of life that surrounds us. And while I definitely do that on MANY occasions, I can’t stay in that, live in that, be that. For I do not want myself, nor my children to live in the negative. While we cannot choose circumstances that happen to us, we can choose our response to those circumstances. I can’t make the reality that Josh died go away. It happened and it hurts us more than words can ever express. On top of that, each day there are crappy things that happen between upset parents at work, bickering children, accidental food prep order, and misunderstandings with loved ones. According to my kids their low point was not getting to play the game they wanted to play at recess and having to take the bus. Yet, we have a choice on how to respond to each days troubles. Complain and focus on the bad or choose to go through life looking for the positives and blessing in each day. The simplicity of a choice that has such a profound impact on every day life. I choose joy. With a choice to look for the blessings and positive,  I can see how God so abundantly blesses us each day. Today’s blessings include having an evening free to go rollerblading at the park with the kids, having a meal ready to be cooked in the fridge, and getting a moment to talk to a family member. The kids got to thank God for the time to play on the playground and rollerblade at the park, get their homework done on the bus, and spend time together.  Oh the blessings God gives us each day if only we take a moment to look for them daily.

And do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength. - Nehemiah 8:10b

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. - 1 Thessalonians 16:18

Recovery

The school year is in full swing and between the tonsil recovery, adjusting to new teachers and expectations, and many back to school nights for both the kids and I, we are focusing on just making it through each day. We were so blessed for a relatively manageable recovery from the tonsillectomy. While the first two days were rough and I was so thankful for the grandmas to show up, by the third day we went up north to the cabin. I was soooo nervous about it, but it worked out great. The distraction of  BB guns, 22s, rope swings, cousins and campfires helped immensely.  While they were in pain the entire time, it wasn't nearly as horrible as nighttime or sitting at school. I am so thankful for grandmas, aunts, uncles, friends, and God's healing!
I am thankful that we are finally starting to seem to get into the swing of things and have some routine. The last two weeks have been really tough adjusting to the busyiness and new schedules. The kids at school seem to be extra needy lately, which has been an extra stressor. I am thankful though that each day seems to be less stressful and more manageable.

3 tonsillectomies,, oh my!

Today all three of my children go in for surgery to have their tonsils removed. After years of strep throat and gigantic tonsils, it's time. I have second guessed myself a million times, and yet I know that if Josh was alive he would say to get them out in a heart beat as he struggled with strep throat, sleep apnea, and issues with his tonsils throughout his adult life. My children all seem to be taking after him in that department. Yet, it is also thinking of Josh and the fragility of life that has this momma up early praying to the Lord to protect my children and bring them through this well. For it is very clear to me how there is no guarantee that anyone will grow old. There is no guarantee that my children will be fine. This truth is terrifying, and often sends me into the tailspin of anxiety. And yet, I keep making myself turn to the Lord also knowing that God has numbered each one of our days. It was no accident that Josh died when he did. God had numbered the days of his life before one of them came to be. At this point as much as I wish he was still here, and know that God is mourning with us, Josh is ultimately right where he is supposed to be- with Jesus. He has numbered my children's days as well.  So I go into this day praying desperately, but also making a choice to trust in the sovereignty of the Lord. For to who else is there to turn but to my God who promises good for me and my family. To my God who loves my children more than I could ever. To my God who knows my heart and loves me.

Pray with me for my children. Pray that the surgery would go well. Pray that they would come out of anesthesia well. Pray that they would have no ill effects from the medications. Pray they would take their medications and drink lots. Pray that they would have little to no pain. Pray they don't have to deal with the residual ear pain. Pray they would sleep well at night. Pray they would have good attitudes each day with no whining and crying.  Pray that their recovery is the most speedy and amazing of any children ever. ;)   Pray that God would give me an extra measure of grace, patience and selfless love for them. Please pray.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;all your days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:16

First day

Today was all of our first day back to school for the 2017-18 school year. Well actually I have been back for a few weeks, but it is my students' first day back so it counts!  I knew going in that this would be a rough one for us all. Since we tend to have the same first days back, Josh has always taken the back to school pictures and driven them to school. Since I have to go to work so early on my first day, the kids spent the night at my sister's house so she could take them in the morning. Last night was tough as the realization that daddy wouldn't be taking them really set in.  Rocking them in my sister's big old rocking chair singing the same songs I sang them as babies to still their fears and tears, I once again sang of "I love you Lord" and "When I am afraid, I will trust in you". Singing, praying, and crying with them as we rocked and hugged and cuddled grieving together. For how else do you comfort your now child size baby whose hearts are breaking.
 And yet, with the morning came the excitement, nervousness and joy of meeting new teachers, seeing favorite friends and reveling in being another year older in school. Their smiles of delight brightened my soul as my sister sent me pictures of their smiling faces. The stories of first day fun brought relief and reminders that with each day there is pain but also joy in the present and just around the corner. Praising God for this new school year and praying they grow in knowing and loving God more intimately and deeply, maturing in social and emotional ways, developing even more loving friendships... along with learning all the reading, writing and arithmetic!

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

grace

I haven't posted for awhile and each day I plan on it and then the day is over and I am too exhausted to do anything but climb into bed and close my eyes for the night. I keep thinking I will have more time tomorrow... more time to rest, to read, to spent with God, to walk, to spend quality time with the kids, and then the day is over and I'm lucky to do 1 if not two things on the list. I know this back to school season of life is always busy and part of it is just getting through this initial crazy busyness, but I have been struggling with how overwhelming it has been this year. I just keep thinking it will get easier. And then I read a blog post recently from a widow...

"A few summers ago, wrangling the schedule with kids as a new single parent, I remember telling my sister that as soon as I got through the next round of events, life would level out. Surely once the crisis was over, life would return to the full but manageable pace we'd had.

My wise sister stopped me. "Lisa? I think this is your new pace."

Thunk. As soon as she said them, the truth of her words hit home. I'd been kidding myself. How could one doing what two had been doing ever look the same? My expectations shifted- a healthy first step in finding a new rhythm. And after six years, while I've gotten used to the pace, I've no where near mastered it."  - Lisa Appelo

OUCH! The truth of those words hit me like a ton of bricks. While I am soooo blessed with friends and family that help me so much in so many ways, it will never be Josh. And geez I miss him for so many reasons and ways that I can't even begin to explain.

The reality is that the pace of life will never be the same. "How could one doing what two had been doing ever look the same?" It can't.  So with a deep breath I lean on friends and family to fill in those gaps where I fail.  With a prayer I ask for grace where I fall short. And fall short I do on a daily basis. Failing repeatedly each day in what I used to do easily frustrates me to no end. So hard to have grace with myself when I feel like I'm constantly letting others and myself down. I praise God that he shows us boundless grace even though we so little deserve it.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast. Ephesians 2:8-9

Great is thy faithfulness

I love God's reminders of his faithfulness even in the midst of sorrow. The last week was a week of grief bursts, depression and moments of despair. It is overwhelming at these times. And yet, God has met me in these moments in both big and little ways. Even the sermon today was on Jeremiah and his lamentations about the desolation of Jerusalem, and yet how Jeremiah turned to God.  I appreciate Jeremiah's utter honesty. His angst, sorrow, and grief. Yet, even in the midst he turns his eyes to God.  It reminded me even all these years after Jeremiah wrote this of God's utter faithfulness, goodness and love for us. God is good. He is trustworthy. He is oh so faithful. There is hope. From Lamentations 3 comes the verse that I picked for Josh's headstone. "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases." The surrounded verses made up the verse from the funeral and message of that day.

 "But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will have hope in him."  

How beautiful to see a man in the depths of despair  and sorrow lift his eyes to the Lord reminding himself and me of the Lord's steadfast love, his mercy, and faithfulness. In Christ alone is there hope. I praise God for this reminder today through the sermon, the hymn 'Great is Thy Faithfulness" and even through the Holy Spirit's prompting of one of our church members to offer an unexpected gift after service.... just another reminder of God's faithfulness. 

PS I love this you tube version link of "Great Is Thy Faithfulness".

https://youtu.be/dm-KsLytcW0

17 

my soul is bereft of peace;
    I have forgotten what happiness[a] is;
18 so I say, “My endurance has perished;
    so has my hope from the Lord.”

19 Remember my affliction and my wanderings,
    the wormwood and the gall!
20 My soul continually remembers it
    and is bowed down within me.
21 But this I call to mind,
    and therefore I have hope:

22 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;[b]
    his mercies never come to an end;
23 they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
24 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
    “therefore I will hope in him.”

25 The Lord is good to those who wait for him,
    to the soul who seeks him.
26 It is good that one should wait quietly
    for the salvation of the Lord.
27 It is good for a man that he bear
    the yoke in his youth.

28 Let him sit alone in silence
    when it is laid on him;
29 let him put his mouth in the dust—
    there may yet be hope;
30 let him give his cheek to the one who strikes,
    and let him be filled with insults.

31 For the Lord will not
    cast off forever,
32 but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion
    according to the abundance of his steadfast love;
33 for he does not afflict from his heart
    or grieve the children of men.

34 To crush underfoot
    all the prisoners of the earth,
35 to deny a man justice
    in the presence of the Most High,
36 to subvert a man in his lawsut,
    the Lord does not approve.

37 Who has spoken and it came to pass,
    unless the Lord has commanded it?
38 Is it not from the mouth of the Most High
    that good and bad come?
39 Why should a living man complain,
    a man, about the punishment of his sins?

40 Let us test and examine our ways,
    and return to the Lord!
41 Let us lift up our hearts and hands
    to God in heaven:
42 “We have transgressed and rebelled,
    and you have not forgiven.

43 “You have wrapped yourself with anger and pursued us,
    killing without pity;
44 you have wrapped yourself with a cloud
    so that no prayer can pass through.
45 You have made us scum and garbage
    among the peoples.

46 “All our enemies
    open their mouths against us;
47 panic and pitfall have come upon us,
    devastation and destruction;
48 my eyes flow with rivers of tears
    because of the destruction of the daughter of my peop

49 “My eyes will flow without ceasing,
    without respite,
50 until the Lord from heaven
    looks down and sees;
51 my eyes cause me grief
    at the fate of all the daughters of my city.

52 “I have been hunted like a bird
    by those who were my enemies without cause;
53 they flung me alive into the pit
    and cast stones on me;
54 water closed over my head;
    I said, ‘I am lost.’

55 “I called on your name, O Lord,
    from the depths of the pit;
56 you heard my plea, ‘Do not close
    your ear to my cry for help!’
57 You came near when I called on you;
    you said, ‘Do not fear!’

Decisions

Making decisions has never been my strong point. Josh dying and having to make all these decisions by myself has been insanely hard. All spring and summer we had appointments with the ENT due to the kid's large tonsils. They are huge! At this point the ENT has all three scheduled to have their tonsils taken out right before Labor Day weekend. I am terrified. Terrified of all the what ifs. Terrified of the recovery. Terrified of the horror stories happening to my babes. I keep debating whether we should wait until spring to have it or just do it this fall. I am not sure what is best for my kiddos- another winter of Strep constantly or missing school this fall. Caleb's very favorite weekend of the year is up north for Labor Day and he will be miserably recovering from surgery. I feel like the biggest heel in the world. I tried to move the dates to any other long weekend and none worked out. :(   So I am still sitting here praying and seeking the Lord's guidance to direct my steps. Please pray with me for guidance and wisdom of what to do and when, health for my children, and a good surgery and speedy recovery for all three with minimal pain.

If any of your lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. James 1:5

When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. Psalm 94:19

Needs

I have realized some things over the last few weeks about things I need to stay sane. I need my walk everyday. It allows me to breath and to pray and to be alone. Second I need time with God. The moment that I stop spending time with him, I can barely function. Gracious he is truly the one to cling to in this time. Which leads me to my third need. I need alone/ down  time each day. This I find kind of funny since most of the time I want to be surrounded by people. I love having people around and my house full. However, I realize that if I don't have time to be alone and just process or sit or just be, I start to lose it. I can feel the anxiety and irritation rising. I feel like a caged animal seeking escape after awhile. So strange to me, but definitely true. Sometimes I feel like I can barely handle the days emotions and stressors, but if I get some time then I can be ok. It makes me think about how I am going to survive fall and the mad dash back into school and work craziness. Schedules are helpful but I really need to build in downtime too. This can be extremely challenging with homework and activities. Praying for balance ... for both the kids and I. That we have time and the space to be rooted solidly in Christ receiving his life giving refreshment.

They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. IT does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit. Jeremiah 17:8

1. 
   

camping

The last week we went to Josh's hometown to visit family. The last few years the kids and I would go out for the whole week while Josh would come for the weekends on either end and work during the week. The kids love the opportunity to play all week with cousins, ride horses and cuddle with grandparents. It is always a fun week. This week we did something different and went to Jellystone Campground for two nights. It was so fun. The water slides and play places were awesome! Josh and I had actually gone there with his mom when the girls were just a year or so old. We walked in and I could just picture him there laying in the the shallow water with the girls sitting on him in their little pink body suits. It took me a bit to get myself out of the funk of what used to be and into the present. Thankfully by the grace of God I was able to eventually get out of it and enjoy the time together with family. The girls loved going down the slides with me and all three were thrilled to go down the big water slides together. I love that they are big enough to go on the slides. It is so much fun to play with them in this way on things that we all enjoy doing together.  We had moments of being super hot, tired, dirty and crabby, but overall we had a great time. I am thankful that we had this time together creating good memories, enjoying the campfires, sunshine, and family.

Give thanks to the Lord,
call upon his name,
make known his deeds among the peoples,
proclaim that his name is exalted.
- Isaiah 12:4

13 years ago

When we said our vows 13 year ago to love, honor, obey, I never imagined I would be I'd already be at the to death do us part. Being an English major, I can't help but look for foreshadowing or God's hand throughout the years.  Even as I look back on our wedding, I think of picking "Blessed be the Name of the Lord" as one of the songs we sang.   I don't know quite why we picked the songs we did, other than the Holy Spirit's prompting. I remember singing along to Josh and God at the wedding  and getting to the lines, "Blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering. Though there's pain in the offering, blessed be your name. When the darkness closes in, Lord Still I will say Blessed be the Name of the Lord." At those lines I conciously remember the shot of fear, the quick prayer that it would not be for us, but also the certainty that life is marked with both blessings and suffering. No one, not one, escapes from pain. From suffering. From death. We had decided though, even back then that we were bless the Lord in the midst of this pain. That we would turn our face towards our Lord when those days came and that we would bless His name no matter what. I am thankful now for that covenant that we made to not just each other on our wedding day, but to the Lord. I am so thankful that even from the first day of our marriage that we sought to honor God with our lives together and now apart. For I do not know how I would survive these days without Josh, without the Lord by my side, walking this road, holding me in His hands, surrounding me with His love and comfort. We didn't have a perfect marriage, we fought, we bickered, we didn't see eye to eye on many things, but we did love the Lord. We did seek to raise our children to love and know Him. We did seek to point each other towards Christ each step of the way.

So for now I weep with my children at the loss of what was and will never be again. We weep for our dreamed about future that will never be. We weep for the anniversaries that will never be celebrated and the weddings he will never attend. Yet, we say, blessed be the name of the Lord.

I betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord. Hosea 2:19-20