musings

I went to a different grief group this week at another church to try to see if I could find something that fit better. Let's just say it was a giant flop. There was a two other people and both were dealing with VERY different issues. One of the challenges in group is having one person that dominates the conversation and focus of the meeting, and this DEFINITELY happened this time. While I did enjoy the video, the rest was less than helpful and I left feeling more frustrated than anything else. Oh well. Hopefully the counseling appointment on Tuesday will go better than last week and maybe that is just the way I need to go.

The kids have been off and on sick, and today it is Grace's turn, which leaves us home today missing church. Major bummer for me. I LOVE going to church. This morning I was learning a bit about worship and how worship and God's Word are so entertwined. I love when worshipping God at church whether through the order of worship or the music, it is all based in Scripture. Even as I wasn't able to attend church today, I have music on all day that ministers to me through one message of truth after another. I don't how I'd make it through each day without it.

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms, and hymns and spiritual songs, with thanksfullness in your hearts to God. Colossians 3:16

Whirlwind

I vacillate between feeling completely overwhelmed with the pace of life right now and thankful for it. It is like this every year. We get to spring break and the school year flies. I feel like I just need to hold on for the ride. The problem of course is that it doesn't leave much time for processing grief. Maybe one reason for my numbness. On one hand I am looking forward to summer so that life can slow down. All of us are ready to slow down from the rat race of school and work. Yet, I look at summer and it's a blank slate. We have no plans, no vacations, nothing.  It terrifies me.  In some ways the busyiness and schedule allows us to survive right now. When summer hits we will have no distraction from the grief. It will be just us at home without Josh there to fill the days. It's weird to redefine our family so completely... yet to be doing many of the same things we did before. Trips to the Custard Spot for ice cream, hiking trails, riding our bikes, taking walks, swimming at the pool, going up north, playing sports outside. So many of the same things, but without our favorite person to do them with. The giant hole is so gaping its hard to grasp.  And yet, I found the verse below and loved the idea of keeping ourselves in the love of God by praying in the Holy Spirit, waiting for his mercy, and being built in faith. Oh how I cry out for his mercy and comfort, surrounded by his love in this time.

But you, beloved, building yourselves up in your most holy faith and praying in the Holy Spirit, keep yourselves in the love of God, waiting for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ that leads to eternal life. Jude 1:20-21

Numb nothingness

It's been a strange couple days of increasing nothingness. So odd to realize that while logically I know I should be feeling happy or sad, I instead feel nothing. I am the epitome of a feelings person. Have always been that way, so to now feel nothing when I know I should be feeling something is weird. I don't like it. It's dark and lonely and blah. I can't make myself cry even if I try. All I have done for months is cry and now nothing. I have been held so closely by God these last four months and have felt so loved and close to him, and now I feel just empty. Even at church we sang my favorite, 'Blessed be the Name of the Lord'. If any song does me in, it's this one. I typically have cried my way through this song even before Josh died. However, Sunday it was a choice to sing.  A choice to praise God even when I didn't feel like it. A choice to obey him, worship him and trust him, even though I felt nothing. I have savored this closeness these last few months. This seeming silence I hate. Yet, I know he is still there. I know he still hold me. I know he will get me through this storm. I am so glad that faith isn't dependent on feelings. For I know feelings are fickle things, and my God is faithful and present whether I can feel it at the moment or not.

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. - Hebrews 10:23. 

friends

Not a great start with the counselor. In summary there was some delay due to earlier client so my 3pm appointment didn't start until 3:30, and I had to leave by 4 to get home before the kids. Needless to say it was a rather rushed intake session. I figure I will give it another week since intakes aren't a great judge of a counselor, and I definitely understand the need to adjust when you have the unexpected surprise from a client that causes the day to go off course. So we'll see, but needless to say the first appointment was less than scintillating.
However, the last few days have been great. I had book club with lots of great food, friends and conversation. Last night the kids and I spent the evening playing in our friends' new hot tub. It was hilarious to see how the kids treated it as one big bathtub (or one small pool) depending on how you look at it. Don't worry, us adults got our own turn once the kids finally crashed and watched a movie. SOOoo nice!  Even today was great. The girls had a Girl Scout field trip this morning at the Robot Garage, and this meant us moms got lots of time to visit, with lunch out with our girls for good measure. The kids enjoyed playing and we enjoyed talking! The day was made even more fun because the women from my Bible study at church had a girls' night out at Mex. I was super thankful that the men watched the kids so we could have a night on the town! Between chips and salsa, starburst margarita, and a GIANT nacho salad, they basically had to roll me out of there for how full I was.  It was delicious! The best part was the three hours of undivided girl talk and laughter.  I am so thankful for so many great friends!

Two are better than one, because they have good return for their work; if one falls down, his friend can help him up. - Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Counselor

I am starting counseling this afternoon. It's kind of funny that I'm nervous about it when I counsel people for a living. I already went to a counselor when Josh and I were first married. There is nothing like the stress of figuring out how to live with someone you love but who is completely different than you to motivate one to seek some extra help. Well here I am again at the opposite end of the spectrum. There is nothing like the stress of figuring out how to NOT live with someone you love to make one seek some extra help. UGH! I realize one of my main fears is that I am screwing this whole grief thing up. That I am going to do something wrong or not in the way that people think I should and screw us all up.  It seems at times that everyone has an opinion about how and what grief looks like or should do or not do. I never realized the list of rules that exist. It'd be one thing if everyone would be on the same page with these rules, but NOPE, definitely NOT!  I get told one thing from one person and the complete opposite from another. I'm not grieving enough. I'm grieving too much. I need to go have some fun. I need to mourn alone. I should be more depressed now. I to talk to people. I am in shock. I am in denial. It hasn't hit me yet. I cry too much. I cry not enough. I smile too much. The list is endless. It feels like a whole lot of pressure, and I'm just waiting to screw it up in everyone's eyes. And of course the perfectionistic, pleaser side of me can't stand the thought of screwing it all up. So for now, I am going to see a counselor today.
FYI- I love that Jesus is called wonderful counselor.  You add the Holy Spirit on that and I am blessed. Praising God for that.

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Isaiah 9:6

And i will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, You will know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you. - John 14:15-16

Mood swings

The emotional rollercoaster is driving me nuts! There is no such thing as gracefully moving through the stages of grief. I call shenanigans. Stages. What stages?! I vascillate wildly between every stage in a matter of a day, an hour, sometimes even ten minutes! I feel like a crazy person.  Today I started completely fine.  I even made the kids cinnamon rolls for breakfast. Did you hear that?! I made something for breakfast. The only thing we've eaten for four months is granola bars running out the door, but today I worked out, made breakfast, and we were in the car early!  I get to work though and here comes another mood shift. Not happy. Not sad. Just there. Depressed? Numb? Who knows at this point? I don't feel happy, I don't feel angry. I just don't even feel. The day continues as such until suddenly I'm trying to do what should be a stupidly simple task, and is it simple. Does it go as planned? NOPE! I'm instantly vaulted back into feeling helpless and hopeless.  I am instantly so angry and frustrated beyond explanation. Angry with Josh and all his stupid technology crap that I can't figure out. Angry that he isn't there to just magically make it work with just one touch. Angry that I can't figure it out and feel helpless and stupid. And of course this launches me into feeling weepy and hot mess zone who just want a hug. Goodness, I HATE feeling crazy. It's not fair- I already have the whole woman hormone emotion thing going and you add grief crazy on top of it. Seriously give me a break already God!  I need some serious peace.

For God is not a God of confusion but of peace. - 1 Corinthians 14:33

Saturday

A weekend of birthday party celebrations, Easter joy, suprise egging, and family fun allows for brief escape. There is such joy found in celebrating life. And yet before Easter there is Friday. Friday full of angst, agony, pain, death. Christ tortured and crucified.  I can't even begin to imagine the agony and pain of that day for those there. Oh how I hate Friday. I am so relieved that my Friday is over. I never have to live through January 2 again.... thank you God. But on the other side of Friday, we have Sunday: the glorious resurrection, the celebration, the joy.  Oh how I long for Sunday. And yet in between the agony of Friday and the joy of Sunday, there lies Saturday. The day not spoken much in the gospels, and yet there. A day of waiting. A day of questioning. A day of confusion, and sorrow, and tears. And I realize I am Saturday. Grief stricken by the horror of Friday and longing for the joy and hope of Sunday. I sometimes wonder why there is Saturday. God could have taken those disciples and loved ones long ago straight from Friday death to Sunday resurrection life. Instead, he chose to have them wait, ponder, question, trust?.... Did they despair on that Saturday long ago? Did they remember the promises of Jesus and hope in them? Did they weep and mourn as I do? Did they wonder why? What is the purpose of Saturday?  To develop something in them? In us? I don't know.  Oh Lord help me cling to hope when all seems like despair.

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning. Psalm 130:5-6

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord. Psalm 27:13-14

Dreams

 I glance across the car to see him driving while pointing to his elbow mentioning how the doctor said it was a big deal. For a moment I am there with him, seeing him, hearing his voice, loved. He is looking at me.  And then I wake up. The kids and I were talking tonight about how much we forget things. Our activity at Sandcastles was doing a memory jar. It is terrifying how fast I even am forgetting things. The first month I could hear his voice in my head constantly. I would catch his smell randomly on things. I would see him in my head as I expected him to walk through the door. It's been less than 4 months and I realize his voice is fading from my mind. Oh I wish we had recorded one of those books where the person read them, or more video of him talking. How can I be losing him this quickly?  Let it not be. And so I weep. I weep because I had him there with me for even a moment in a dream. I weep because I awake without him. I weep because I am slowly losing him, and I can't bear it. I weep because my children have less than even I. Oh Lord comfort, sustain, and hold us in your hand.

Arise, cry out in the night, as the watches of the night begin; pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord. Lift up your hands to him for the lives of your children. - Lamentations 2:19

Home again

Mexico City was a larger blessing than I can even begin to describe. The delightful bliss of escape from grief and bills and work to friends and fun and freedom.... if even for just a week. And then we came home to a crashing reality of seeing Josh's headstone for the first time, three straight days of late work nights, bills, a touch of depression, and insomnia. UGH! Can I just escape again?!

There is something about seeing his name to make a living nightmare more of a reality. Josh's gravestone was put into place. We had visited his grave before with the pile of dirt and soil. And yet it is another nail in the coffin as we see not just the dirt but his name, his birthday and his death date. The dates of joy and sorrow. The kids wanted to get him flowers in his favorite color so we bought yellow daffodils to grace his grave.  They played with grass seed covering the still fresh dirt.  We took their picture and they smiled.  It was their smile that broke my heart just a wee bit more, smiles you plaster on even as your heart breaks anew.

We went to Sandcastles tonight. I am grateful for it - for it is the only time Caleb cries. On our drive home each time we weep as one as we share memories and what we miss. It is a violent, rush of tears and emotion released after so much time holding tightly to them. I struggle to know how to comfort, care, love adequately for this little boy man who rides to hold it all together. My girls shed tears and hugs and stories. They love the stories. Yet, even with them the anger over the time they are robbed of with their father is strong. Oh how I pray over them that continue to grow into men and women that love and trust God with all their hearts.  Oh Lord guard their little hearts and minds from the lies of Satan. Speak your truth into them each day. May despair leave them and hope fill them.

The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desire of those who fear him; he also hear their cry and saves them. - Psalm 145:18-19

Bubble

Bubble. It is how I feel right now. Like I am in a bubble that is protecting me right now from the hurt and anguish, and the minute I leave this bubble of Mexico City, it will pop and I will be left in anguish once more. The week has been so full of joy and gladness, laughter and friendship. Feelings of hope that life will be okay again and we will have love and joy and happiness once again.  We have escaped if just for a wee bit the agony and angst that is waiting for us when we return. The bills and work and school and reality that Josh is really gone.  I am terrified to go back. This respite has been delightfully beautiful and I can't bear to return to what is real. O Lord, I am terrified. Hold me. Love me. Help me.

The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desire of those who fear him; he also hears their cry and saves them. - Psalm 145:18-19

Whip lash

I can't get over how grief gives such whip lash.  I had four straight great days and was having a such a great time with the kids and my dear friends in Mexico, and then suddenly yesterday afternoon, full on grief burst. I think that term is interesting, yet accurate. It just hits so suddenly and fiercely and you are just left gasping for breath for the pain and sorrow that overwhelms.  I tried my normal coping mechanisms to deal with it: listening to music, praying, spending some time with God, finishing my Bible Study, talking.... ugh, but nothing seemed to help.  I was an emotional basket case for the rest of the night. I feel helpless and humbled and so dependent on help from everyone else. It is extremely humbling. I am so grateful for all the help and love shown to me, but it is REALLY HARD to be so dependent on others and asking for help all the time. At times it can feel like I am just the local charity project,  pathetically dependent. And it's not like anyone made me feel this way; I know that it is so much my own insecurity and pride. God has definitely been working overtime to weed out the yuck.

I am studying the Gospel of John now. As I study the humiliation, trials and ultimate death of Christ, I am humbled to see how little my suffering compares to his great suffering and humiliation. It astounds my mind that Jesus, the sovereign and exalted God, humbled and humiliated himself for us in such an extreme way. And he CHOSE to do so. Ugh - beyond comprehensible. And here I am complaining about my own minimal humbling.  I know that I should not be surprised. God never promised an easy life, and in fact he tells us upfront there will be suffering and hardship in life. It is inevitable, and develops so many characteristics to make us more like Christ. And yet, the refining to become more like him hurts, tears, and breaks. I really appreciated the imagery a friend used to describe the process of suffering. My life, dreams, marriage, hopes, and family are broken and shattered into a million pieces, but God is working to make me a beautiful stained glass through this brokenness. I pray that it may be so for both me and my dear children.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surprising power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. - 2 Corinthians 4:7-9

We know that suffering produces perseverance; perserversance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to share, because God's love has bee poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. - Romans 5:3-5

To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example you should follow in his steps.  1 Peter 2:21

Spring break part 1

Josh and I found incredibly cheap plane tickets to Mexico City last year to visit our dear friends.  We surprised the kids with the trip at Christmas. We had bought them backpacks and bathing suits, and put a bunch of clues in there so they had to guess where we were going. I loved every minute of revealing the surprise and their reaction. And then Josh died, and all our plans and dreams died in an instant. I wasn't sure if I should still go on the trip, but I was blessed with having the perfect person join us on our adventures. While the trip has had a few hiccups (4 hour delay at the airport thus having kids up until 2 am and just get 4 hours of sleep before another long day of travel, and a bit of car sickness for the girls), overall it has been great. Even with all those travel challenges, my children have been incredible!! They had minimal complaining, bickering and arguing. They have listened so well. 

We had a delightfully relaxing day on Saturday with Ana's family at the pool at their home. The kids had a blast swimming, hot tubbing, and playing in a ball pit! I have loved seeing the kids try new foods.  They have been quite open overall to trying new things and have liked almost everything. We've had fun days of visiting the aquarium, as well as children's museum.  We had a dance party watching Trolls with all the kids. Love the songs!  Ana, Lois and I even managed to squeeze in a girl's night out of good food, great conversation and coconut beer &  margaritas!

My favorite thing thus far was our visit to Chapultepec. A Mexican castle built by King Maximillio, it is huge and expansive and gorgeous! The kids and I LOVED seeing all the different rooms, so ornately displayed.  They were cracking up that they even had a chandelier in the bathroom! :)  It was a wonderful day. I am so grateful and filled with joy that the kids enjoy visiting historic sites just as much as I do.  

I was very nervous about the trip, but thus far it has been a wonderful respite for our hearts and souls. We needed to escape for a few days from work, school, bills, and all the pressures that pull on us at home.  I thank God he had planned this respite for us, knowing we would desperately need it at this time. 

Shout for joy to the lord, all the earth. Worship the Lord with gladness, come before him with joyful songs. Know that the Lord is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture. Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations. Psalm 100

Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one that takes refuse in him. Psalm 34:8