Numb nothingness

It's been a strange couple days of increasing nothingness. So odd to realize that while logically I know I should be feeling happy or sad, I instead feel nothing. I am the epitome of a feelings person. Have always been that way, so to now feel nothing when I know I should be feeling something is weird. I don't like it. It's dark and lonely and blah. I can't make myself cry even if I try. All I have done for months is cry and now nothing. I have been held so closely by God these last four months and have felt so loved and close to him, and now I feel just empty. Even at church we sang my favorite, 'Blessed be the Name of the Lord'. If any song does me in, it's this one. I typically have cried my way through this song even before Josh died. However, Sunday it was a choice to sing.  A choice to praise God even when I didn't feel like it. A choice to obey him, worship him and trust him, even though I felt nothing. I have savored this closeness these last few months. This seeming silence I hate. Yet, I know he is still there. I know he still hold me. I know he will get me through this storm. I am so glad that faith isn't dependent on feelings. For I know feelings are fickle things, and my God is faithful and present whether I can feel it at the moment or not.

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. - Hebrews 10:23.