Home again

Mexico City was a larger blessing than I can even begin to describe. The delightful bliss of escape from grief and bills and work to friends and fun and freedom.... if even for just a week. And then we came home to a crashing reality of seeing Josh's headstone for the first time, three straight days of late work nights, bills, a touch of depression, and insomnia. UGH! Can I just escape again?!

There is something about seeing his name to make a living nightmare more of a reality. Josh's gravestone was put into place. We had visited his grave before with the pile of dirt and soil. And yet it is another nail in the coffin as we see not just the dirt but his name, his birthday and his death date. The dates of joy and sorrow. The kids wanted to get him flowers in his favorite color so we bought yellow daffodils to grace his grave.  They played with grass seed covering the still fresh dirt.  We took their picture and they smiled.  It was their smile that broke my heart just a wee bit more, smiles you plaster on even as your heart breaks anew.

We went to Sandcastles tonight. I am grateful for it - for it is the only time Caleb cries. On our drive home each time we weep as one as we share memories and what we miss. It is a violent, rush of tears and emotion released after so much time holding tightly to them. I struggle to know how to comfort, care, love adequately for this little boy man who rides to hold it all together. My girls shed tears and hugs and stories. They love the stories. Yet, even with them the anger over the time they are robbed of with their father is strong. Oh how I pray over them that continue to grow into men and women that love and trust God with all their hearts.  Oh Lord guard their little hearts and minds from the lies of Satan. Speak your truth into them each day. May despair leave them and hope fill them.

The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desire of those who fear him; he also hear their cry and saves them. - Psalm 145:18-19