Whip lash

I can't get over how grief gives such whip lash.  I had four straight great days and was having a such a great time with the kids and my dear friends in Mexico, and then suddenly yesterday afternoon, full on grief burst. I think that term is interesting, yet accurate. It just hits so suddenly and fiercely and you are just left gasping for breath for the pain and sorrow that overwhelms.  I tried my normal coping mechanisms to deal with it: listening to music, praying, spending some time with God, finishing my Bible Study, talking.... ugh, but nothing seemed to help.  I was an emotional basket case for the rest of the night. I feel helpless and humbled and so dependent on help from everyone else. It is extremely humbling. I am so grateful for all the help and love shown to me, but it is REALLY HARD to be so dependent on others and asking for help all the time. At times it can feel like I am just the local charity project,  pathetically dependent. And it's not like anyone made me feel this way; I know that it is so much my own insecurity and pride. God has definitely been working overtime to weed out the yuck.

I am studying the Gospel of John now. As I study the humiliation, trials and ultimate death of Christ, I am humbled to see how little my suffering compares to his great suffering and humiliation. It astounds my mind that Jesus, the sovereign and exalted God, humbled and humiliated himself for us in such an extreme way. And he CHOSE to do so. Ugh - beyond comprehensible. And here I am complaining about my own minimal humbling.  I know that I should not be surprised. God never promised an easy life, and in fact he tells us upfront there will be suffering and hardship in life. It is inevitable, and develops so many characteristics to make us more like Christ. And yet, the refining to become more like him hurts, tears, and breaks. I really appreciated the imagery a friend used to describe the process of suffering. My life, dreams, marriage, hopes, and family are broken and shattered into a million pieces, but God is working to make me a beautiful stained glass through this brokenness. I pray that it may be so for both me and my dear children.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surprising power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. - 2 Corinthians 4:7-9

We know that suffering produces perseverance; perserversance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to share, because God's love has bee poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. - Romans 5:3-5

To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example you should follow in his steps.  1 Peter 2:21