Big decision

While 99% of me is a rule follower, a small part of me is a rebel. As in deciding to just go grey at 34 and like it, deciding to buy a house in Pontiac even though everyone looked at us like we were insane when we did it, and my newest one in breaking the "Don't make any decisions for a year" one.  My newest rebellion against those unwritten rules of society, landed me with a new to me van, and I LOVE it! Yes, it took me hours, days, weeks, months to finally make a decision. In all reality Josh and I had been saving and planning to buy a new van for over a year. The Town and Country we had purchased when my 9 year old girls were just babes was now creeping near to 200k miles and was getting in a habit of randomly shutting down in the middle of roads. I must confess that the doors failing to open or close without me physically closing them every time for the kids, combined with that fact that more often than not we just ended up driving around with them not really shut all the way was the last straw.  I called Mike and said, "I think it's time. Find me one!" Of course he did it in record time, and then I hemmed and hawed back and forth for two days frozen with indecision and fear of making the wrong choice. My rule follower side almost was ready to wait another 6 months until one quick conversation with my dad convinced me my current van may not actually make that 6 month mark. Whoops. I guess that is a consideration. So with that I committed to a beauty of a van that will drive my children and I around the state safely. My favorite part continues to be the stow and go seats, however the built in blue tooth connection to my phone may be a close second. So cool!!

Isn't it interesting though that with every new beginnning there is an end. I sudddenly look at my old beat up mini van and can't help but see us on our first road trip with my babes, Ana and Memo touring Michigan. I see our trip to see Lois in Mississippi, Gaitlinburg with family trying not to get sick on the curvy mountain roads, Washington DC visiting friends, bringing our son home from the hospital as a baby, and the many, many trips home from Vicksburg praying and talking until we got to 94 and then napping in the passenger seat while Josh drove us safely home. Some of my very last memories of Josh are sitting there talking to him about our Christmas weekend, reflecting about how great 2016 really was for our family, praying for his family, him touching his stomach and saying how he felt like he was still being stabbed in the stomach from all the puking from the day before. My heart aches at those memories. Aches that I won't ever be riding in the passenger seat again looking across at that face that I love so much. It is hard to process that as I welcome the new, I have yet another moment of mourning how much we lost. Yet while I mourn the loss, I must look forward and celebrate the new blessings God has brought in my life for there is growth, hope, joy and goodness in the new too. 

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance... Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

What are You Afraid Of?

There are songs that capture the heart and seem like God wrote them that very moment just for me. For me these last few months they include: "Blessed Be Your Name" -Matt Redman,  "In Christ Alone" -Mercy Me, "Thy Will' - Hillary Scott, "Even If" - Mercy Me, "Held" -Natalie Grant, "Oh My Soul" - Casting Crowns,  and "It is Well'-Kristen Dimarco. God has ministered to my soul repeatedly through these words of truth. They capture the angst, the sorrow, the questions, the hope of my soul. When I struggle to pray and hear and find the words to say, He stills my soul and meets me through music whispering words of truth and comfort. Today he met me through a new one even as I wrestle with fears that overwhelm he met me. Praise God for this blessing as he asks me, "What are you afraid of?" Praise God that he promises that He is in control and I am covered by his grace. Praise God that he is trustworthy.

What are You Afraid of?  (Click orange title to play it on you tube)

So what are you afraid of
Show 'em what you're made of
The shadows that you're scared of
Are usually your own
They're not the great unknown
You don't have to wonder
You're not going under
Grace has got you covered
God is in control
Go on and let it go

Whenever it's the darkest
Whenever it's the hardest
Don't you stop before you started
If you're gonna dream
Dream it all the way

So what are you afraid of
Show 'em what you're made of
The shadows that you're scared of
Are usually your own
They're not the great unknown
You don't have to wonder
You're not going under
Grace has got you covered
God is in control
Go on and let it go
What are you afraid of

Mire

Weekends are hard. Yesterday was one of those hard days. I woke up at 5am and couldn't stop crying for the next four hours. If you saw a grown woman crying into her ice cream cone at McDonalds than you probably saw me! I topped the day off by yelling at all three of my children for being mean to each other as we were trying to make Josh a Father's Day gift. UGH! Why did I even bother?! I was having a horrible time of it.  I don't know if it really is caused by it being the weekend, but I am definitely noticing a correlation between too much home time to horrid days. I know that people say to lean into grief when it hits, instead of running from it. Well yesterday I tried... I journaled, I prayed, I read my Bible, I took a walk.... I realized that part of me thought if I did these things that I'd start to feel better. Yet, as the day went on I just felt worse and worse. The weight of grief just wouldn't let up. I began to feel so frustrated that I was feeling so horrid when I was trying to do it all right. About half way through the day, I realized that part of my issue was that I was expecting leaning into grief and spending time there in hopefully healthy ways didn't mean that the horridness of the day would go away. Part of grieving is spending time in those pits of grief, not alone, but with a Savior that will sit with me in those pits. My desire is to run from it or to bed God  to take away the pain and sorrow. However, he doesn't promise to remove the grief. He does promise to comfort, to sit with me in the muck and mire, and to hold me in the midst. In that there is solace. So in summary, yesterday really sucked!

Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in th miry depths, where there is no foothold. I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me. I am worn out calling for help; my throat is parched. My eyes fail, looking for my God..... But I pray to you, Lord, in the time of your favor; in your great love, O God, answer me with your sure salvation. Rescue me from the mire; do not let me sink; do not let the floodwaters engulf me or the depths swallow me up or the pit close its mouth over me. Answer me, Lord, out of the goodness of your love; in your great mercy turn to me.... I will praise God's name in song and gorify him with thanksgiving. This will please the Lord. Psalm 69

A break in the crazy

Who has time to grieve when we are running around at a million miles an hour trying desperately to keep everything straight with the million activities always happening?! Not I that is for sure! And then it hits as I walk by the girls room and hear the soft sobbing of little girls missing their daddy. Oh how it breaks my heart in two. So for a moment we break from the craziness to mourn and remember the daddy who loved us. We share memories and sorrows and good times and bad times. Our hearts break and yet heal as we cry, mourn and laugh together. Oh Lord heal our broken hearts.

The Lord is near to the broken-hearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

prayer

Prayers. The afternoon that Josh's heart stopped beating, I prayed more desperately than I ever had before. I texted, "Josh isn't breathing. Pray" over and over to friends and family. I held my children as we prayed that God would heal their daddy and that they would "cast all their anxiety on God because he cares for you". And they believed without a doubt that it would happen. They came to that hospital room with full confidence that their daddy would be fine believing with child-like faith that of course God would heal their daddy. God is the healer. God can do anything. Nothing is impossible for God. God hears our prayers. God answers prayers. Why wouldn't God answer their prayers. He is a good father. He cares for them. He loves them. And yet, as my eyes bore into the doctor's black watch on his right wrist, I heard from a distance that my prayers were not answered.  Or I guesss they were answered,  just answered not with the yes, that I had desperately begged for, but with a resounding NO. "No, I will not heal. He is dead."  I had to bring my children into a room where their daddy lay dead on the table and tell them that there prayers were not answered. Their daddy was dead. The unbelief that God would not save their daddy was slow to take. It wasn't until they held his cold hands that I so desperately tired to keep warm, and they saw his swollen face, that they believed that their prayers had been denied. "But why mom? We prayed he was going to be ok." Oh Lord Jesus, how we prayed.  How to explain to children that sometimes God answers no even when I can't fathom why God would say no to healing Josh.  How to believe he is a good Father even when he says no. How to instill faith that they, that we, that I still pray believing that God is going to answer and listen. How to trust his answer that I hate so much is what is best for my family. Oh Lord help me. I believe; help my unbelief. Do I believe God answers prayer? Yes. I believe; help my unbelief.  Do I believe God is working for the best for my children and I?  Yes. I believe; help my unbelief. Do I believe in miracles? Yes. I believe; help my unbelief.  Do I trust even when the answer is no? I believe; help my unbelief.  Do I believe that God will do them in my life....  I believe; help my unbelief.

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him from bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will you give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him." Matthew 7:7-11

Have faith in God, Jesus answered. "Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain. 'Go throw yourself into the sea,' and does not double in their heart but believers that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believer that you have received it, and it will be yours. - Mark 11:22-24

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him. - Romans 8:28

clothes

The girls were home today from school with strep throat so I unexpectedly had an entire afternoon home. I didn't plan to but suddenly I found myself going through Josh's clothes. I had been thinking about and dreading this task for months, and then I just randomly did it. More than a few tears were shed, but I was unexpectedly ok. I made three catergories. The first pile, a donate to good will pile of random never worn things, was easy. I decided to keep a drawer in his actual dresser for our very favorites. The ties that Caleb can wear someday, the blue berry scrubs, the worn out yellow shirt he wore 24-7 for years, his favorite MSU sweatshirt, pants he wore all the time so the kids can see how tall their daddy was, my favorite so soft and worn blue t-shirts that I hug and  feel wrapped in his embrace again....  The drawer of our treasures that remind us of him and we can sneak in and grab when we need to. I then made a third pile that ended up being 3 big bins of clothes, jackets, and shoes that remind me of Josh and I just can't let go of. I don't want to make decisions on those things yet.  I figure that if his family wants to look through and pick things they can, and we can keep the rest.  If we decide someday to let those things go, we can or we can keep them around forever. For now they are in the storage room. And that is good for now. I am grateful for this. Grateful that while I cried all the way through it, I also smiled at the memories associated with so many of those clothes. The MSU game we went to in that green MSU hoodie, the hug I gave him in the blue t-shirt just days before we died, the blue scrubs that I would tease him made him look like a blueberry, the yellow shirt that remind me of when we first met all those years ago. Oh how I miss him, but I am so blessed by the memories we made. I treasure the clothes, but mainly because they remind me of all the ways he cared for the kids and I, the faith he shared with us, the memories we made together, the joy and loved we shared. Those are what I value the most.

Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither  moths nor rust destroy and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.  Matthew 6:18

ROUGH!

Today was just a plan awful day! Kay woke up crying with a horrid sore throat. After taking one look at her tonsils, I immediately made her a doctor's appointment.  She was miserable. I ran the other two to school and grabbed some work from school. The intersection right where my school is was randomly closed on the way to school and I didn't realize it. Anyways, as I tried to figure out how to get around it and get to school, I get pulled over for not heeding the sign that the road was closed, and pulling down the sub street.  Nothing like a ticket to start the day. At the last minute I decided to grab Grace from school even though she felt completely fine because with those two, once one gets sick the other one has it within a day. Good thing I did because they tested her too and they both tested positive for Strep!  So glad I am not having to head back to the doctor's again tomorrow. The bad news is that is another day home sick tomorrow. UGH! My poor girls have had a rough month! Pray for healing for our family.

I had another counseling appointment. As rough as the first one went, the last two have been really helpful. In some ways it becomes one of the places I can just let the grief flow, which needs to happen and yet is so hard to do when life is going a million miles an hour. And let me tell the grief didn't just flow it burst forth in hiccups, sobs, and a gushing dam of words. My eyes still hurt from the overflow of emotion.  Of course it just continued the rest of the night.  The kids and I talked some about the upcoming Father's Day projects that naturally happen in classes, church, and all around.  I didn't get two words out before I glanced at Caleb, saw a tear, and started bawling. All of us were a sobbing mess within seconds. It was long overdue. It was helpful to open the discussion on how to do some of these days. I don't want them blindsided. Ugh- I hate all of this. Seeing my kids hurt so horribly breaks me anew each day.  I fail so many times losing my temper, not spending enough time with them 1-1, not giving them my full attention, just wanting to be by myself and hide. I hide behind letting them play on the IPad or watch TV because I just don't want to care for anyone else for an hour or just want to be alone for a bit. I know they are desperate for attention, affection, love and stability. I feel so inadequate to provide all they need.  Praying God would meet their every need as I fail repeatedly. Praying that God would heal their hearts and comfort their souls. Praying they turn to God to fill the gap. Praying they grow in trust and love for God. Praying I can mother well and love them well and be who they need. Praying God has an extra measure of grace for us all. Praying that they learn from me to love God well and not learn my impatience and failures. Praying I model and show them how much God loves them.  Praying I can faithfully teach them about God. Praying they follow Him all the days of their lives.

And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. Deuteronomy 6:6-7

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; They are new every morning; Great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23

Growing old

There was a video that I saw today that was of an older couple reflecting on their life and years together.  They were so sweet as they shared their love for each other that grew over time. I made me think of how Josh and I dreamed of growing old together. We planned to retire and Josh would work contingent as a traveling histotech to allow us to go all over the country for weeks at a time to explore. Doesn't that sound wonderful? It hit me today just how much we lost. Not just the immediate needs but the hopes and dreams of years to come. I can never get that back.  Needless to say all this thinking and mourning left me with a giant headache for most of the afternoon. UGH! No fun!

Rain rain go away

I am blaming it on the rain. Never mind the grief stuff. It's all the rains fault for this horrible no good very foul mood I am in. Okay maybe add in a bit of grief, with a whole lot of 2 hours on the phone with AAA and my bank to fix their mistake (still not fixed), a dash of angst and worrying about the future, and a pinch of I forgot to RSVP to every event in the next month and the allergy appointment I was supposed to go to today. Whoops. But in all, I am just going to blame it on the rain which stopped me from taking my walk... oh how I need that walk/run/ music blasting/ prayer time.  Yet none for me today because of this dumb rain. It's hard on days like this. I don't quite know what to do with myself.  I don't want to spread my foul mood to others so I try to keep it to myself. Who wants to be around a big whiner.  I am just miserable. In some ways it makes me miss Josh all the more. It would be him I'd call to vent about this stupid insurance company screwing things up.  And it would be then he would wrap his arms around me and give me a great big hug. Goodness I miss his hugs. I miss being safe and warm and small and loved.

He will cover you with his fathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. Psalm 91:4

National Widows day

Whoops. Somehow this got saved instead of posting yesterday.  So anyways, yesterday was national widow's day, not today.

Today is national widow's day. Isn't that lovely! Who makes a day for widows?! Who wants a day for widows?! I don't want one that is for sure. I don't even like the word widow. All I can think of is a black widow spider. Ewww and Yuck! And yet, as I shared my consernation with friends they managed to make the day one filled with joy instead of angst. I came home from work to a home filled with delicious cupcakes, my favorite strawberries, a BEAUTIFUL blue hydrangea, and all kinds of delightful gifts. The card was my favorite, filled with love and encouragement. Thank you ladies! You made a day that started with sadness be filled with joy and thankfulness instead.

I watched a video today about Psalm 23. It talked about what green pastures were like in Israel. How the 23rd Psalms descriptions of green pastures were actually little tufts of grass along rocks that the sheep had to walk to get every few steps. He described God not providing a lush meadow full of grass where you could stay in one place and eat forever, but instead a meadow where there was grass just enough for that day. I liked that. Jesus, Our Shepherd,  wants us to depend on him, walk along with him, and be satisfied with just what he provides for this day. He will worry about tomorrow and the needs of that day. For today he asks us to trust him and walk with him.

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths for his name's sake.
Psalm 23: 1-3

The good, the bad, and the puke

Highlight real from the week....
First off my mom's 60th birthday. I am grateful beyond belief for my mother, am eternally thankful for how much support she has provided over these years and months, and am so happy to celebrate with her. Unfortunately, it had to be a record for one of the worst birthdays ever for my poor mother. My uncle is really sick so she ended up running behind leaving the hospital and feeling pretty sad. This left the rest of us at the restaurant waiting for 45 minutes. No biggie as we ordered for her so the food would be ready when she arrived. Unfortunately just as she arrives, Benjamin poops up the back of his outfit leaving Katie to pull off a head to toe clean up and outfit change. Meanwhile, while I wasn't looking the waitress kept refilling my children's apple juice cups before we received any food. As dinner is brought out suddenly Grace starts crying she doesn't feel well (no kidding after three glasses of apple juice on an empty stomach!). She stands up and promptly starts vomiting all over the dining room floor. Philip tries to save her by putting a tiny plastic cup in front of her to puke in. Clearly not cutting it, we dash to the bathroom. This is promptly followed by Caleb sitting up and smacking his head on the table. At this point I, very inappropriately, start laughing so hard I am crying. Like come on, you can't make this stuff up! Needless to say, we left before everyone else, I got five bites of dinner, and they took the cake to go!

In other news, I had another counseling appointment. One of the things that has been bugging me is how I don't always fit what everything seems to tell me I am supposed to feel and be like. I have really bad days definitely. I have moments of overwhelming sadness, despair, questioning, angst and tears. And yet, I always have times and days filled with lots of joyful moments too. I can genuinely laugh. Not fake laughing but real laughing. I can enjoy an auction out with friends and a day playing with my kids. Now don't get me wrong, the reality is always in the back of my mind, but for those moments or hours, I really am having fun. And then I feel like I am doing this grief thing all wrong because of this. So anyways, we talked a lot about how thinking of the past, future, and present. The past brings sadness because even when thinking of the good times, they are all tainted by the loss of what once was and will never be again. The future brings anxiety with all the unknowns and uncertainty. The black hole of what is to come is overwhelming. But the present. The here and now. In the present God grants grace to allow joy to squeeze in between the cracks of grief. It is here in the now, I can survive in Christ's arms because when I am in the moment, I am with, and am where I am. Not in the past, not in the future, but I am living in what I am experiencing at this moment. And there is joy and laughter to be found even in this season of mourning.

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under the heaven;
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek and a time to lose....

Ecclesiastes 3

Rough day

Today was a rough one, and of course it just happened to be one of the very first days I have worn mascara in the last four months! Come on now! I don't think even one hour passed without tears of some sort. Today was a day of tears. Tears for the pain of others I love. Tears for the hearts that ache. Tears for those who are lost. Tears for those who mourn. Tears for dreams lost. Tears for broken hearts. Tears for so many.. .. so much pain, sorrow, angst, and hopelessness.... and then began the prayers. Prayers for healing. Prayers for wholeness. Prayers for redemption. Prayers for comfort. Prayers for new dreams. Prayers for restoration. Prayers for so many. Prayers that God would restore, redeem, heal, comfort, and make whole. Oh faithful and merciful Lord please.

Listen to my prayer, O God, do not ignore my plea; hear me and answer me. My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught...  My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death have fallen on me. Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me. I said, "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest. I would flee far away and stay in the desert; I would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm. .... As for me, I cry to God, and the Lord saves me. Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice.... Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let his righteous be shaken. ... But as for me, I trust in you.  Psalm 55