While 99% of me is a rule follower, a small part of me is a rebel. As in deciding to just go grey at 34 and like it, deciding to buy a house in Pontiac even though everyone looked at us like we were insane when we did it, and my newest one in breaking the "Don't make any decisions for a year" one. My newest rebellion against those unwritten rules of society, landed me with a new to me van, and I LOVE it! Yes, it took me hours, days, weeks, months to finally make a decision. In all reality Josh and I had been saving and planning to buy a new van for over a year. The Town and Country we had purchased when my 9 year old girls were just babes was now creeping near to 200k miles and was getting in a habit of randomly shutting down in the middle of roads. I must confess that the doors failing to open or close without me physically closing them every time for the kids, combined with that fact that more often than not we just ended up driving around with them not really shut all the way was the last straw. I called Mike and said, "I think it's time. Find me one!" Of course he did it in record time, and then I hemmed and hawed back and forth for two days frozen with indecision and fear of making the wrong choice. My rule follower side almost was ready to wait another 6 months until one quick conversation with my dad convinced me my current van may not actually make that 6 month mark. Whoops. I guess that is a consideration. So with that I committed to a beauty of a van that will drive my children and I around the state safely. My favorite part continues to be the stow and go seats, however the built in blue tooth connection to my phone may be a close second. So cool!!
Isn't it interesting though that with every new beginnning there is an end. I sudddenly look at my old beat up mini van and can't help but see us on our first road trip with my babes, Ana and Memo touring Michigan. I see our trip to see Lois in Mississippi, Gaitlinburg with family trying not to get sick on the curvy mountain roads, Washington DC visiting friends, bringing our son home from the hospital as a baby, and the many, many trips home from Vicksburg praying and talking until we got to 94 and then napping in the passenger seat while Josh drove us safely home. Some of my very last memories of Josh are sitting there talking to him about our Christmas weekend, reflecting about how great 2016 really was for our family, praying for his family, him touching his stomach and saying how he felt like he was still being stabbed in the stomach from all the puking from the day before. My heart aches at those memories. Aches that I won't ever be riding in the passenger seat again looking across at that face that I love so much. It is hard to process that as I welcome the new, I have yet another moment of mourning how much we lost. Yet while I mourn the loss, I must look forward and celebrate the new blessings God has brought in my life for there is growth, hope, joy and goodness in the new too.
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance... Ecclesiastes 3:1-4
Sitting here crying for you and missing Josh. Some days I still can't believe he's really gone. I'm glad you were able to get a car you like and needed. Your safety is important! It's good to see the '1year rule' as a general guideline, but that you are living your life and if you need to make a big decision, or change, you should feel the freedom to do so! You're doing good Kelly.
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ReplyDeleteYes. I echo anne!you are doing good. And most days it still feels like a bad dream, even though it's so real. And yes, there is a time for everything, even when it's confusing. Love friend. Trusting His faithfulness and goodness, and loving you.
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