Fast forward

I realized today that I hadn’t written in quite some time, mainly because life has felt like it has hit the fast forward button. I feel like life is flying by and I am holding on by the seat of my pants. I should expect this as it happen most every fall, but this one seems especially full as work has been insanely busy with planning college fairs, open houses, PSAT testing, getting seniors ready for college and all th rest. Add to that the girls started their first school season on volleyball and Caleb does Saturday football. Busy but fun things of life. I love seeing them play and be part of a team. I didn’t realize how much your heart gets caught in your throat every time your child goes to serve or gets the ball in the game. I love cheering them on and supporting them.
The big news of the season is that Ed and I got engaged. It’s an odd juxtaposition to on one hand be missing Josh forever and have waves of grief that hit while also feeling joy and happiness spending time with Ed and planning a wedding.  I don’t know if I could have ever fully understood or wrapped my head around the idea that you can love two different men so much at the same time, and yet in such different way. That grief and joy can co-exist, and that is okay. That sometimes God’s timelines and plans can be so different that what I would have every imagined.
While I am super excited to marry Ed, I have not been super excited about planning a wedding. I didn’t exactly enjoy that part the first time and there is no set manual of what to do with a second wedding. But don’t worry, just like widowhood there is a huge list of unwritten rules that people have that you are supposed to know and follow.  No veil, bright white dress is a no no, no shower, small wedding  (just a few people), super simple (backyard prefered), etc., etc, etc,  Is this just life with every decision chained down by the rules of other people?  It’s like a mindfield trying to dodge a mistake that will forever have you be judged as spoiled, greedy, ungrateful, inconsiderate, tasteless, etc. My counselor is forever telling me that I need to live life according to how God is directing me and not according to the many opinions of others.  Wouldn’t it just figure that Bible verse for the day is “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10. Ouch! Are you trying to tell me something God?  
I have been wedding dress shopping over the last few weeks. When you are in your twenties its all magical and feels great. At almost forty I look at myself in the mirror in a wedding dress, and it feels so odd. I never planned to try on another wedding dress, and yet here I stand twirling around in one looking back at the silver haired woman who stands in front of me in the mirror. So much older, so much life lived, hopefully wiser, and definitely not the same as the twenty year old who was so blissfully naive, young and full of dreams. I found a dress that I do love. Even better I found one I love for $300 on extreme clearance!!! Definitely the way to my heart! LOL.
My favorite part of the wedding planning is the pre- marriage counseling classes. I wish every couple had this opprotunity. It has been so wonderful going through extensive counseling over the last couple months. I love getting to know Ed more deeply and to work through with him the challenges that we will inevitably face. As he has started his new job that has more regular hours, we are slowly adjusting to spending more regular time together as we family.  The kids, I and Ed are all adjusting steadily. I am so grateful that the kids and him have known each other their whole life. That he loves to tell them stories about Josh just as much as they love hearing them. That he is not threatened by the fact we all love Josh forever. That he wants Josh’s pictures forever up on the walls and encourages sharing of memories. How did God pick a man who could love Josh and us so much. Who can love a widow and three kids  without reservation. God is most certainly faithful, even in the midst.

14 years...

Today would have been Josh and my 14 year wedding anniversary. So strange to not have him here. Life is so different.  It’s so different than 14 year ago and even so different than last year.  While last year I spent the week prior and the day of crying pretty much non-stop, this year I look upon this day with bitter sweetness. So many happy memories to look back on, and yet the sadness of missing him. It is good to remember our wedding day, and all the anniversaries that followed. I smile as I remember us being pulled over on our way to the hall. Josh was sweating for sure, one because we were being pulled over and two because it was a super hot day. There was no doubt he loved me as he danced with me all night long. Of course everyone knows dancing is one of his favorite pastimes- not!

After a few years of subpar anniversaries where neither of us planned anything, we decided to switch the planning every other year. The goal was to think of the other person when it was our year to plan. This meant that I planned lots of golf trips. He did a great job planning for me. One year was a couples massage and dinner at the melting pot. For our 10 year anniversary he planned a trip to Cabo. Our last year together we spent at Lake Michigan watching the sunset together and getting ice cream.

I am grateful that the memories make me smile while the tears flow. I am blessed that I have all these wonderful memories. I am thankful for the love he always showed me. I am choosing joy in the midst of the tears as I have Caleb singing me happy anniversary, Kayleigh greeting me with morning hugs, and Grace helping me pick and wash apricots.

Those that sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. Psalm 126:5

Summer vacation

My kiddos and I are sooooo excited for summer vacation!!!  We all need a time to reset and take some down time together.  I have said no to a lot of commitments this summer to try to give us all this time. We are just starting this week and we all have been reading, swimming, swinging in the hammock, and playing.  I do realize we do need some structure. This summer the kids are working on their genius hour project (basically researching and reading about a topic of interest and then presenting on it in some way).  They also want to learn Spanish. :)  We are starting with duolingo, which seems to work so far. I love seeing them learn new things. My goals are time for God, exercise, walks, reading, family, and friends. For me this means deleting facebook off my phone, getting up early to have some time for myself to walk and spend with God, and trying to only scheduling one thing a day. 

We have Father's Day coming up quickly. Right now the kids have said they want to bring flowers to the cemetery and go swimming at grandmas. Sounds like a plan to me since its going to be in the 90s! 

Anxiety ....still

As I read back through my last point a few weeks ago, I wish I could say that the anxiety I have been struggling with all melted away. Unfortunately not the case. In fact, it just seems to keep hanging on with a vengeance. I met with my counselor last week and she recommended thinking about taking a medication for anxiety. UGH! No thank you! I hate taking medication for pretty much anything. However she persisted in her insistence that I at least talk to my doctor about the idea. When I protested that I am more anxious now just because its the end of the school year and May is normally crazy and stressful, she reminded me that she remembers hearing me talk about the same things in April, and March, and February, and January, etc. etc. Needless to say she had a point. I have always had a bent towards anxiety and worry, but it seems recently that I just can’t get a handle on it no matter what I do. As she said, “You consistently do every coping strategy that I suggest and the tightness in the chest is still there daily.” I keep thinking I just need to pray more and trust more and exercise more and walk more and relax more and sleep more and.... and ....and....it will all go away, and yet it doesn’t seem to be letting up even with doing all these things. She seems to think that I have some PTSD stuff going on where my body is stuck in fight or flight panic mode ever since Josh died and somehow taking medication will reset my body so it can function normally. I don’t know. I am skeptical. I am also terrified of side effects, not being able to get off it easily, and basically having anything in my system that can affect me. The irrational side of me feels like a failure if I do so. I have worked so hard to do this grief thing right and I still end up a mess. Part of me thinks that I just need to make it the 5 more weeks until summer vacation and then I will be just fine.  The other part of me is starting to feel helpless in this state of seemingly never ending anxiety. I hate how it affects me and my reactions to everyday life. A student who wants to talk and I feel irritated they interrupted me.  I never have felt this way. I can’t handle a parent who is upset. I literally cry after I get off the phone or have them leave my office. I lose my temper with my kids over the stupidest things like spilling juice on the ground or having to ask twice to put away clothes. I am just plain overwhelmed with life and the knot in my chest just never seems to let up. I don’t know what to do.

Cast all your anxiety on him for he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

Do not worry about anything but in everything by prayer and petition present your requests to God and the peace of God that passes all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus our Lord. Philippians 4:6

So do not fear, for  I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. Josh 14:27

I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4

You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Isaiah 26:3

Anxiety

Anxiety has been a constant companion in the last few weeks... and in all honesty in some form for most of my life. However, since Josh died it has been a non-stop battle to not succumb. I work at all the coping mechanisms I know: praying, starting my day in God’s Word, taking daily walks, seeing a counselor bi-weekly... some work better than others. Yet the anxiety comes back with a vengeance daily (and more often nightly). Recently with the added chaos that is spring, it has been especially awful. I drop the ball daily on a million different tasks I am supposed to accomplish from turning in field trip slips and RSVPing to events on time to remembering to take the trash out on Tuesday nights. Anxieties surface regarding how to best parent my children, relationships with family, school demands, and my always present need to please others and do everything perfectly. I want to just not care...to be okay with average.. to let go of the need to please others... to do what I think is best and be confident in that decision.  Some days I can do that. Most days it’s a struggle. Is it any wonder that the first verse I memorized for myself was from Philippians 4, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition present your requests to God and the peace of God that transcends all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus, our Lord.” I know I need to trust God with these life before me, but in all reality Josh’s death rocked my trust in God. I so often trust God with my hands clenched and my heart still racing. Not exactly the model example of trust. So in the meantime I pray, I cling to those scriptures and I take my walks. Extra prayers are always appreciated!

When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul. Psalm 94:19

8th birthday

Caleb is turning 8 today. The missing of a 7 year old turning 8 year old is so raw. Caleb is in so many ways a mini version of Josh. He is soo frank, so honest, and so straightforward to the point of getting himself in trouble for it. He LOVES talking sports stats, playing football and baseball, and will take every opprotunity to do so with others. It would have been the delight of Josh’s heart to share that with him. It rips my heart apart to think they don’t get to do that. The missing of a little boy of his dad just rips the heart apart. Last week he shared yet another

Caleb, “ Mom, I dream of daddy almost every night!.”
What do you dream?
“ I dream that we play baseball and go to Disney and watch football and play golf.”
That must be nice to have those great memories.
“Yeah.... but it doesn’t end nice... daddy always dies of a heart attack at the end of every dream.”

 Cue the flow of tears that doesn’t ever stop. He follows this up by asking to listen to “Blessed be the Name of the Lord”. Cue more tears. Of course that sound ends and he asks next for Josh’s favorite “Uptown Funk”. Cue the laughter.  Gracious, he can get me from tears of sorrow to joy in 5 minutes flat.

Praying for God’s grace this year and the years to follow to comfort the heart of this hurting boy who missing his dad on his birthday.

The missing

Nothing like having a hand made birthday present of a mouse house made out of all my favorite candies to bring a glimpse of joy. My kids decided that was exactly what I wanted. It totally made me laugh and was absolutely adorable and so thoughtful. They also purchased a wooden spoon to give me my birthday spankings! Little stinkers!  After work, we went to mom and dad’s for my favorite mashed potatoes, corn and gravy with pork chops. I feel very blessed to spend the day with so many loved ones.
This month the missing has been something awful. It’s almost like if you don’t have a person around for a little bit the missing is awful but it hasn’t been that long so you survive because other things are busy, but then when it gets too long you just miss that person with an ache that just doesn’t seem to lessen. The knowledge that I will see him again in heaven was helpful, but its just tooo long to wait. I miss him now so desperately. I miss his laugh, his dry sense of humor, his hugs, how he’d sleep with his arms crossed, his snoring even. I hear Caleb talking so excitedly about sports stats and teams, and I just cant help but think about how much joy that would have brought Josh to share with his son a love of sports, and talk all day about games and teams. He LOVED all that fantasy football and sports stuff, and as I see Caleb loving it too, it just makes the ache all that deeper. We went to a hockey game Thursday for birthday celebrations with my mom and I literally start bawling in the middle of the game because all I could think about is how much Josh would have loved to have been there too. Josh was always a laid back person, until there was some kind of sports competition. The thought of not being able to go to a sporting event, golf with him, or watch a football game cuddled up on the coach next to him ever again sends me into fits of tears. It’s funny all the things you love because your spouse loves it.  I miss watching and playing football, going to Spartan games, and playing golf  I even like these things after years of doing them with him (although I don’t think I will ever love watching golf on TV!) It makes me think how much we change because of those we love. How much we love things after awhile because we love doing it with our loved ones, and we did it in the first place because we love them and want to be with them. I am forever changed because of him.

He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

Struggling

I have been struggling. I just can’t seem to get myself out of this depressive funk of one minute being furiously angry to the next being super irritated with everything and everyone to feeling super apathetic.  It’s my birthday- of course one of the most looked forward to days of the year, and instead of waking up happy and excited, I woke up crying. It probably doesn’t help that I haven’t been sleeping well- I hate you 4am.  In any case, I keep trying to do things to help snap out of it, but nothing seems to be working well. Walks, puzzles, praying, reading my Bible... nothing seems to be helping. I’m just sad. I miss Josh. I miss what was my life. I want to wake up to a giant Josh sized bear hug, not just on my birthday, but every day. I miss him so much... and this missing cloaks me in a blanket of sadness and depression, I just can’t seem to peek out of.
Thank the Lord for family, friends and kiddos that always bring joy even in the midst.

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:18

Anger

Parenting is hard. Parenting without Josh feels like an overwhelming weight I cannot bear. There are so many times already in a years time that I think, this isn’t my job. This part is Josh’s job. He isn’t here to do his job. So I am left to do it alone. And I am mad. Overwhelmingly furiously angry. I don’t want to do this without Josh. I am mad there is no one else that loves or knows my children the way a parent knows and loves their child here to parent or make decisions or discipline or love them. I hate parenting alone. I already second guess everything I do and now I don’t have my other half to figure it out together.
I am angry that our future, our dreams, our life that we had and had planned is all gone in an instant. So much of my life is in a moment adrift. I want my husband who dreamed and walked life along with me here. I miss his smile, his laugh, his calm logic, his hugs, his talking me off the ledge, his firm discipline, his love.  The ache to have him here feels like it is ripping my heart in two. This week has been awful, buried under a suffocating blanket of grief. My soul is downcast and my heart is troubled with worries about my children, our future, our present. Pray for us.

Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. Psalm 43:5