8th birthday

Caleb is turning 8 today. The missing of a 7 year old turning 8 year old is so raw. Caleb is in so many ways a mini version of Josh. He is soo frank, so honest, and so straightforward to the point of getting himself in trouble for it. He LOVES talking sports stats, playing football and baseball, and will take every opprotunity to do so with others. It would have been the delight of Josh’s heart to share that with him. It rips my heart apart to think they don’t get to do that. The missing of a little boy of his dad just rips the heart apart. Last week he shared yet another

Caleb, “ Mom, I dream of daddy almost every night!.”
What do you dream?
“ I dream that we play baseball and go to Disney and watch football and play golf.”
That must be nice to have those great memories.
“Yeah.... but it doesn’t end nice... daddy always dies of a heart attack at the end of every dream.”

 Cue the flow of tears that doesn’t ever stop. He follows this up by asking to listen to “Blessed be the Name of the Lord”. Cue more tears. Of course that sound ends and he asks next for Josh’s favorite “Uptown Funk”. Cue the laughter.  Gracious, he can get me from tears of sorrow to joy in 5 minutes flat.

Praying for God’s grace this year and the years to follow to comfort the heart of this hurting boy who missing his dad on his birthday.

The missing

Nothing like having a hand made birthday present of a mouse house made out of all my favorite candies to bring a glimpse of joy. My kids decided that was exactly what I wanted. It totally made me laugh and was absolutely adorable and so thoughtful. They also purchased a wooden spoon to give me my birthday spankings! Little stinkers!  After work, we went to mom and dad’s for my favorite mashed potatoes, corn and gravy with pork chops. I feel very blessed to spend the day with so many loved ones.
This month the missing has been something awful. It’s almost like if you don’t have a person around for a little bit the missing is awful but it hasn’t been that long so you survive because other things are busy, but then when it gets too long you just miss that person with an ache that just doesn’t seem to lessen. The knowledge that I will see him again in heaven was helpful, but its just tooo long to wait. I miss him now so desperately. I miss his laugh, his dry sense of humor, his hugs, how he’d sleep with his arms crossed, his snoring even. I hear Caleb talking so excitedly about sports stats and teams, and I just cant help but think about how much joy that would have brought Josh to share with his son a love of sports, and talk all day about games and teams. He LOVED all that fantasy football and sports stuff, and as I see Caleb loving it too, it just makes the ache all that deeper. We went to a hockey game Thursday for birthday celebrations with my mom and I literally start bawling in the middle of the game because all I could think about is how much Josh would have loved to have been there too. Josh was always a laid back person, until there was some kind of sports competition. The thought of not being able to go to a sporting event, golf with him, or watch a football game cuddled up on the coach next to him ever again sends me into fits of tears. It’s funny all the things you love because your spouse loves it.  I miss watching and playing football, going to Spartan games, and playing golf  I even like these things after years of doing them with him (although I don’t think I will ever love watching golf on TV!) It makes me think how much we change because of those we love. How much we love things after awhile because we love doing it with our loved ones, and we did it in the first place because we love them and want to be with them. I am forever changed because of him.

He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

Struggling

I have been struggling. I just can’t seem to get myself out of this depressive funk of one minute being furiously angry to the next being super irritated with everything and everyone to feeling super apathetic.  It’s my birthday- of course one of the most looked forward to days of the year, and instead of waking up happy and excited, I woke up crying. It probably doesn’t help that I haven’t been sleeping well- I hate you 4am.  In any case, I keep trying to do things to help snap out of it, but nothing seems to be working well. Walks, puzzles, praying, reading my Bible... nothing seems to be helping. I’m just sad. I miss Josh. I miss what was my life. I want to wake up to a giant Josh sized bear hug, not just on my birthday, but every day. I miss him so much... and this missing cloaks me in a blanket of sadness and depression, I just can’t seem to peek out of.
Thank the Lord for family, friends and kiddos that always bring joy even in the midst.

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:18

Anger

Parenting is hard. Parenting without Josh feels like an overwhelming weight I cannot bear. There are so many times already in a years time that I think, this isn’t my job. This part is Josh’s job. He isn’t here to do his job. So I am left to do it alone. And I am mad. Overwhelmingly furiously angry. I don’t want to do this without Josh. I am mad there is no one else that loves or knows my children the way a parent knows and loves their child here to parent or make decisions or discipline or love them. I hate parenting alone. I already second guess everything I do and now I don’t have my other half to figure it out together.
I am angry that our future, our dreams, our life that we had and had planned is all gone in an instant. So much of my life is in a moment adrift. I want my husband who dreamed and walked life along with me here. I miss his smile, his laugh, his calm logic, his hugs, his talking me off the ledge, his firm discipline, his love.  The ache to have him here feels like it is ripping my heart in two. This week has been awful, buried under a suffocating blanket of grief. My soul is downcast and my heart is troubled with worries about my children, our future, our present. Pray for us.

Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. Psalm 43:5

Grief sucks

Grief sucks. You will be going along, doing ok and then suddenly you get sucker punched out of nowhere.  Last night and today have been awful. Last night I passed out on the couch by 8pm exhausted and totally irritated to my very soul for no good reason. Of course, that was followed up with my usual 4am wake up that led to ordering 300 + pictures of Josh and crying like a baby looking through each one. By the time I finished and was calm enough to go back to sleep it was 6am.  Therefore, no 7am walk and no easy Saturday morning. We all slept through our alarms and didn’t wake up until 15 minutes before Caleb’s basketball game. Whoops!  Not the best way to start the day. I am thankful that I was able to spend some time reading my Bible, doing a stretching workout it video, and listening to music once we got back from basketball. I am still a grumpy, irritable, and liable to burst out into tears any moment mess, but at least it gave me a mini- reset. Tonight we are going to a friend’s birthday party and I am praying that I can escape from the grief wave for at least a few hours. Grief waves suck. They hit you out of nowhere, take your feet right out from underneath you and leave you breathless, drowning and praying for air.

I was doing well for awhile with sleeping all night.  The last month or so I am back to my usual 4am wake ups. Along with the obvious grief stuff, I know so much of it is due to anxiety and unresolved issues that I can’t really do anything about at this time. During the day I pray and talk to God and do ok, but it’s so much harder at night. The hard part is that I then start the next day tired and the cycle just continues. Sometimes life just feels so overwhelming. The million books, grief groups and counselor insight tells me that this is normal for the second year: the whole reality really setting in, realizing the full weight of the responsibility of life without Josh, the natural lessening support as I can handle more, and issues that we just glossed over for the last year that are rearing their ugly head again. Parenting suddenly seems soooooo hard. Discipline, boudaries, school work and routines. I am dropping the ball left and right. I feel like I make one step forward in one thing and then three back in some other area of life. I actually started meal planning again a few weeks ago, but then keeping track of permission slips and forms goes out the window.  All this to say, I am working on resetting that joy goal for 2018, or should I say, that I am praying God grants me joy in the midst of the present hard. Hey, at least we are doing better than we were a year ago when every day was a HORRIBLE grief day.

My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials.” James 1:2

I found the following that I posted about a year ago. A great reminder.

Read this today. It reflected the cry of my heart so well that I want to always remember it and have a record of it to look back on.

"Instead of listening to the noise of your worries, listen to the voice of the Lord. We are not to let our joy come from our circumstances, because circumstances change.

The Lord remains the same. The Lord remains loyal, omnipotent, and loving. Allow your joy to come from Christ. Be still, stop paying attention to the storm.

He has already proved that He can calm any storm. Sometimes God allows trials so you can learn to be more dependent on Him. God is saying, “I’m in control.

I can do all things. Stop fearing and trust in me instead.” When your thoughts are running rampant, don’t seek temporary help by watching TV, going on the internet, etc.

Go find a lonely place. A place with no noise. When you stop and focus on the beauty of Christ, you will receive the peace that He has promised you. When you cry out to Him in prayer you will feel His comfort.

Be still and relax in the Lord. He is in control. Remember the times that He has helped you, other believers, and people in Scripture. God promises to help you and never leave you. Talk to Him, trust in Him, be still, and you will hear His calming voice and rest upon His strength."
-post from St Paul Pontiac's page

January is OVER!

Can we just stop for a moment and celebrate that the worst month of the year is OVER because my kids and I certainly did. Full on dance party celebration that it was over.  This horridly long, cold, sick, depressing, no snow day month that took Josh away. At some point we’ve all linked Josh’s death to the month of January to a tangible level. It didn’t help that we spend the first two weeks of the month super sick with the flu or bronchitis or something. It was awful. We all struggled our way through January with tears, angst and fighting, depression and bickering, and pouting and sass galore.  I’ve seen the kids struggle with the expression of their grief more this month than ever before. We are trying to learn better coping skills rather than spewing our grief on those around us with outbursts, sass, anger, or pouting, but dang it’s HARD! It’s hard to be a 10 year old pre-teen and try to work out the big emotions of grief while mom is still making me do chores on a Saturday. It’s hard to be a 7 year old boy who is so angry that his dad died and not flare in anger when made to do his reading log when he wants to just play.  It’s hard to be a calm and patient mom with three grieving children who react with complaining and yelling and arguing with even the simplistic task when said mom is struggling as deeply as the children. There are so many emotions just below the surface all the time that rear their ugly head when struggling so badly. So we are working with my counselor on parenting, on grace, and on healthy coping when we do have a grief day (or month), but dang it’s hard! Pray for us.

But the good news is that January is over. February has come. The overwhelming depression has lifted a bit and with this new month has come with a little sunshine, with a little hope that it will be better with my nephew’s first birthday, with Valentine’s parties my kids are excited about, field trips to the orchestra for my girls, with just relief that it is not January and we are one more step closer to spring. 

As I reflect on where we were a year ago in the throes of overwhelming sorrow to the point on non-stop tears, I can see growth.  We still grieve. We have learned all kinds of new language like grief- bursts, and grief days, and waves of grief, and have lived it out over and over again. We have learned how to live differently slowly but surely. And I grieve that and celebrate that at the same time. I grieve as we are missing Josh and wishing things were the same, but celebrate that we are growing and not where we were a year ago. We are all more independent. My kids pack their own lunches, complete their homework most days independently, and get up and ready for the bus in the morning without prompting. I am so proud of how much they’ve grown and their independence. They will be resilient, strong and capable teens and adults as they grow up.  I am more independent too. I finally feel more secure in who I am now. A year of floundering and trying to figure out who I am without Josh.  I am not the same woman I was a year and a half ago who was secure in her married life. I am more broken but also more confident in whose I am, who I am, what I want, and my own abilities to run my own home. I know with confidence the Lord will carry me and mine through any and every trial. He has walked beside me each step of the way carrying us. He will do so for all my days. I am becoming more confident in my decisions and my choices (don’t worry— still plenty of pro and con debating and praying galore that would drive any sane person crazy), but once the decision is made, I am confident in it. While I fail each day in different ways, I do fairly competently run a household. And yet, I am still sooooo grateful for those who support me when things break, kids need to be watched, tires need rotating, or caring for my littles while I race to my early Monday morning meetings at work. I could never do it without those who fill in the gap every day. Thank you! Overall, we are making it. I even prepped my taxes last night - all by myself!!! Last year I did NONE of it. My mom came and did 99% for me. Thank you mom!  Last year I was such a hot mess, I would start having a panic attack and lose it every time I even thought about it. Don’t get me wrong, it started out with a tear or two at the beginning, but I thankful that I am at a place that I can do it at all. It gives hope. Thank you Lord.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. - Lamentations 3:22-23

One year

We made it through the holidays.... Christmas, New Years Eve New Years. I praise God that even in the midst of the sorrow of missing Josh there was also joy. Isn’t that great!? There is a wonderful grace-from-God joy that comes from celebrating Jesus, and time spent with family and friends.  The kids’ excitement, expectation, and joy is contagious.  Their excitement got us all through Christmas. Even that long and lonely Christmas Eve night as I wrapped last presents and set up the Christmas morning scene with tears flowing, I had some semblance of peace, comfort and joy at the expectation that the next morning would bring joy to my children. For while everything we did and experienced was blanketed in a fog of grief, the joy did peak through. The kids even suprised me at times. On New Years Eve we went to a friend’s house but left early at their request. There is fun in visiting friends, but they were just emotionally exhausted.  Yet when we got home they wanted to ring in the New Year together so we stayed up all cuddled on the couch until midnight.  They, as always, loved the count down and while our night ended within minutes as they all rolled over and fell asleep on the couch, they found a way to bring expectation and joy into a New Year.  For this unexpected joy that God graced us with this season, I am eternally grateful.
And yet today is one year. A year ago today I held the hand of the man I love for the last time. And the horror of that day is haunting for us all. I have a little man in my bed who didn’t make it through the night without tears and needing comfort... and for this night he did get to cuddle with his momma through the wee hours for our hearts ache with the grief of missing our love. I am grateful we have a day of distraction, cuddling and friends planned. The excitement of a trip and being in a new place has helped thus far. While clearly just a bandaid, sometimes the distraction is needed for the weight of this grief so often threatens to suffocate. I’m praying for the grace to make it through and God’s comfort to surround in the midst for we cling to Him.

You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word. Psalm 119:114

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you s the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.  John 14:27

Hiding

I’m in hiding. After three weeks straight of incredible anguish, grief and depression, I am hiding. Hiding from emotions, thoughts, memories, and feelings. The upside is that I get a brief reprieve from the stabbing grief. The downside is that it make all the good moment seem dull too. However, for the moment I will take it. December has been awful. I thought Josh’s birthday was going to be similar to other big days, horrible anticipatory grief leading up the day with a surprisingly ok day on the day of. Unfortunately, December 8 and all the weeks around it was the worse yet.  In all reality we had an ok day. Josh’s mom came and visited for the day. The kids and I played hooky from school (there was NO way that we would have made it through a school day). We made Josh’s favorite spicy molasses cookies. We went and put the grave blanket on at the cemetary.  It was so pretty with blue and silver ribbon that the kids picked out in Lion’s colors.  My sister did a great job making it. The kids wrote happy birthday cards to Josh and we tied them to helium balloons to let go at the cemetery. Family came over for Josh’s favorite pizza dinner and we talked and visited. Overall it was a fine day. Except for the fact that we were all so buried in grief our eyes could barely open properly from the crying. Except for the grief that left us all with little patience or grace for each other. Except for the missing that left us all with a giant hole in our hearts. It was a fine day except for the fact we were celebrating a birthday that never came. December 8 came and went and Josh never turned a year older, would never be 37, was not there to celebrate with us. And for this reason, it left us in pieces.
And now after three weeks of hell, I am trying desperately to hide ... it’s not quite working but I am trying.

I call on you, my God for you will answer me; turn your ear to me and hear my prayer....hide me in the shadow of your wings. Psalm 17:6-8

He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. Psalm 91:4

Sharp edges

How can a heart break over and over again. I don’t know how many nights 4am wakes me up feeling like my soul is being ripped in two.... too many to count. With Josh’s birthday in two days, Christmas quickly approaching and January 2 coming all too soon, the grief overwhelms each night and day. The nights with tears and the days with a haze from lack of sleep and beary eyes. I cringe at my lack of productivity this year in all areas of life: work, Girl Scouts, working with my children on school work, taking care of the house, spending quality time with my children, church..... this list just goes on and on. I try, but I just can’t do it. I am letting so many down. I feel like my whole life has been engulfed in grief and its reach leaves nothing untouched. This week has been the worst yet, which shouldn’t be a surprise.  I can barely function. The ache and pain that has been present this whole year is pierced by a pain that leaves me breathless with its sharpness. So ironic that as I approach one year, I would hope I would have some healing evident and yet I feel worse now than I ever have. Oh Lord I miss him so much. Surround us with your healing, comfort  and love, for you alone can truly provide it.

I found this song that made me both cry and smile a bit. It talks about Christmas without a loved one. Love the perspective of Josh with the son of God, the one we are celebrating during this time of year. If you’d like to hear the song by Craig Aven called “Son of God” click the link below to YouTube.

https://youtu.be/f3browtvP7k

John 14:1 -3  ““Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me.   My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?   And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.”

Romans 15:13  “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”