Thursday, April 13, 2017

Dreams

 I glance across the car to see him driving while pointing to his elbow mentioning how the doctor said it was a big deal. For a moment I am there with him, seeing him, hearing his voice, loved. He is looking at me.  And then I wake up. The kids and I were talking tonight about how much we forget things. Our activity at Sandcastles was doing a memory jar. It is terrifying how fast I even am forgetting things. The first month I could hear his voice in my head constantly. I would catch his smell randomly on things. I would see him in my head as I expected him to walk through the door. It's been less than 4 months and I realize his voice is fading from my mind. Oh I wish we had recorded one of those books where the person read them, or more video of him talking. How can I be losing him this quickly?  Let it not be. And so I weep. I weep because I had him there with me for even a moment in a dream. I weep because I awake without him. I weep because I am slowly losing him, and I can't bear it. I weep because my children have less than even I. Oh Lord comfort, sustain, and hold us in your hand.

Arise, cry out in the night, as the watches of the night begin; pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord. Lift up your hands to him for the lives of your children. - Lamentations 2:19

2 comments:

  1. Praying Kelly. Praying that God helps you recall sweet moments, and holds you, comforts you with His own presence when those moments you remember aren't enough. I'm sure they never feel enough. Praying God would show you and your kids in a concrete way that He is the one who sustains even in unimaginable heartache. Love you.

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