Answers?

Waiting. Weeks on weeks of waiting for ....Answers? I had prayed that the autopsy would have answers. Would make everything clear and explainable. Cardiomegaly - left ventricular hypertrophy, cardiac chamber dilatation. Words that leave me searching for every last ounce of my AP Biology vocabulary I haven't used since high school. And yet why? There are no good answers for the reason why did he die. Why was the vetricle enlarged? Why did it happen? Why did we not see it coming?

I went to bed last night struggling and woke up this morning struggling even more. I can't blame Caleb too much for having us running into school as the bell was ringing at 9 considering that I only managed to drag myself out of bed at 8:30am. His getting out of bed at 8:40am did little really make us that much later. Thank goodness for quick dressing and granola bars in the car. I wandered through the day, barely holding it together. I managed to make it to work but could hardly function. When I made the call at 2:30pm to see if the autopsy was done, I struggled to focus or think about anything else. Then the answer: cardio blah blah blah... in simple terms- heart attack.  Racing to the Coroner's office to get the report before closing. Leaving half the stuff in my office strewn about and forgetting everything I had to finish this weekend for Monday. Finally getting the report and desperately trying to read and interpret it only to discover the report had no real answers. No answers that satisfy. For what answers could ever satisfy the question of why my love is not with me. Why my husband isn't cuddled by my side. Why my children's father isn't watching their basketball game or cooking them dinner. Why a son isn't calling to see the plans for the weekend.  Why.

The autopsy did not bring the answers, closure or peace that I was longing for. Then again, I am not sure that it would ever have the power to do that. For the answers are perhaps not for me to fully understand. Why did my 36 year old husband die? So I cling to what I do know. God called Josh home. He is alive and well in heaven.  God is still faithful and loving.

Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.- Psalm 139:16

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.- John 14:27

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. - Lamentations 3:22-23

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