Dreams

Nothing like a afternoon, evening and morning of repeatedly typing up letters stating, "My husband, Joshua Fink died on January 2, 2017, please close his account".  Not depressing and overwhelming at all! :(   His official death certificates finally arrived so on I go with yet one more thing that needs to be done and puts yet another nail in the coffin.  I hate all these stupid nails. Each one hurts and tears and brings waves of anguish anew. Each one symbolizes yet another reminder of the reality that Josh is really never coming back. He really is dead.  I really am alone. Every hope and dream we had together will never be. We will never travel the states as he works as a traveling histotech into retirement. We will never go to Hawaii or Rome together on our 20 or 30 year anniversary. We will never travel the east coast. We will never see him walk our girls down the aisle. He will never go camping with our son. All our hopes and dreams for the future will never be.... because there is no future for us. There is only the memories of the past. And we can't live in that past. Josh and all our dreams are dead. And so I weep. So alone. Begging for it not be true.

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from my cries of anguish? My God I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night by find no rest. - Psalm 22:1-2

Be merciful l to me, Lord, for I am in distress; my eye is wasted with sorrow, my soul and body with grief. My life is consumed by anguish.... But I trust in you, Lord; I say, "You are my God."... Let your face shine on your servant; save me in your unfailing love.... Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord- Psalm 31:9-10, 16, 24

Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you. - Psalm 33:20-22

Lord, my Savior cover my children with your love. Even as our dreams have died, grant us a hope and future full of bountiful joy in you beyond anything we could have asked for or imagined. May the Psalms in your Word always move us from despair to hope in You.