slow weekend

It was a delectably slow weekend. Good in some ways and hard in others. The pace of the last month has been so breakneck that it was good to have two days where we didn't have much to do. I won't lie though, the thought of having TOO much time at home just us four made me a little panicky. Weekends in some ways are always the hardest. It's when missing Josh often hits the most for us all since it is when he was around the most. Even little things like finding a shirt of his in the bottom of the laundry did me in. Caleb found me as I pulled it out and we both cried and hugged it and each other. Overall though it was good to slow down after a whirlwind Friday. I actually took the day off on Friday and by noon has completed my first Kroger click list pick up, completed a workout class, got a hair cut, and got my taxes turned in! On the way back my mom ended up in a fender bender but which put a dent in our plans, but she is all well so I will take it for ok day! We capped it off hanging out with school friends. So fun to have new and old friends.  Saturday we all slept in, did chores, and read. Pretty much a lazy Saturday morning.  We capped off the day with a visit with IV friends. It is so nice sometimes to be around friends that have known both Josh and me since we all were fresh faced college kids. I love their shared memories of us. I love that they know and lived the past with me and I know they will live the future with me too.  Today started with my favorite- church. I seriously love going each week. I love the fellowship, the worship, the time to stop and praise God with other that love Him too. Seriously one of my week highlights always.  Although stopping the bickering of my children as they elbow each other for who can sit nearest to me is not my favorite part- talk about claustrophobic and irritating!
Probably the most surprising part of this grief journey is the randomness of it. How one minute I can be overall doing just fine and the next I am in a puddle on the ground trying just to breath. A shirt can send me to tears, and a random text can send me to laughter.  How a song can bring joy and pain all at once. How there can be such sorrow for the lost future we dreamed of, and yet a distant glimmer of hope that we can have a future that is so different than the one we'd imagined, but still can be called good someday.  Please Lord heal my family.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11